[Once on the couch, Setsuna curls up right next to Steve. He has no plans of going anywhere else, at least not right then. When asked about his well-being, Setsuna is in the same position. As much as he wants to tell Steve everything's okay, his eyes brim over again.]
No. It [he hates giving the event an actual name or talking about it] brought back a lot of bad memories. [He's still not aware how hyper aware he is, or how much he's afraid of being taken again.]
Fuck. [It's a quiet curse, but he's annoyed he can't even spare Steve his melodramatics. And changing the subject in this situation likely wouldn't do them any good. Both were probably going to learn some things, today.]
[There's a deep frown to Steve's situation and concerns.]
Is that normal? For people to go missing? You could tell me what they look like, and I could help you search.
[Once Setsuna was snuggled up against his side, Steve was able to relax a little. He looped one arm around the boy, drawing him in tight, his other hand sifting through Setsuna's hair in a constant, soothing motion. It calmed him at least as much as he hoped it worked on the kid, allowing him to be a little more clear-minded. He didn't even object to the profanity, giving Setsuna a pass because of the outrageous circumstances.]
Yeah. It has. I doubt you're the only one who's suffering kiddo. I know I've been having nightmares. When I can even drift off at all. But you can stay with me for a while if you want. I always do sleep better with someone else in the bed.
[As soon as he said it, Steve's cheeks went red, but at least the kid couldn't easily see that. Honestly, how could he be so crude? Yes, it was true, but he generally only slept with James or Loki nearby, or wrapped in his arms. Grown men who were . . . grown men! He'd made it sound dirty, having Setsuna in his bed, which it absolutely wasn't. Steve was grateful for the subject change and pounced on it eagerly. Not that is was so much less awkward . . .]
Normal, no. Not for this length of time. No one has seen them, or saw them get taken. They just . . . vanished. And no one has a clue where they went. Do you know the Kirks, Setsuna? They look like brothers, but one has a scar on his cheek. You couldn't miss either of them if you saw 'em. Tall, dirty-blond hair cut pretty short. Muscular. They're almost twins and they usually spend a lot of time together. James has the scar and he's . . . he's ah . . . Jim is really nice and friendly, someone people gravitate towards. James is . . . mn.
[Steve wanted to confess to any number of things about James, but none were appropriate, especially not to tell Setsuna. He waved a hand vaguely, enduring the pain of the potion in favor of saying too much.]
[There's a little voice in his mind that tells him this is a horrible idea, but his throat burns, his mouth twitches, and he gives in and admits.]
Even Lucifer seemed like he's having a rough time. At least he did when I talk to him.
[Uncomfortable after that, Setsuna switches the subject back to sleeping.] I used to be able to sleep alone, but here, I think it might be best. I can probably stay here for a bit. Why not? [For Setsuna, after spending the night with Kira multiple times, and sleeping in his best friend's bed, the offer feels purely platonic. And now this his mind switching gears he couldn't stop himself, it was either say it or choke on his pain. ]
I...I used to stay with my best friend all the time. [He manages a sort of sad smile to that. He hasn't really brought up Kira, or Katou, since arriving, trying to avoid the pain that comes with mentioning them. It's contest for which pain is worse - the pain of Kira's memories, or the pain that builds from silence.]
[Setsuna listens, then shakes his head.] No, don't know them. But I could still help look. [He notices Steve struggling so he tries to think of either something to say, or ask.]
Did you just say you talked to him? What the hell for?! I . . . sorry. Sorry.
[The words and tone were angry, but Steve squashed it immediately, never loosening his hold on the boy as he squeezed his eyes shut. He counted his breaths and listened to the other things the boy had to say, reminding himself that someone Setsuna's age, despite having suffered so much, often didn't understand the dangers they put themselves in. For all his traumas, Setsuna was still so damned innocent . . .
The choked confession had him snuggling Setsuna tighter, nuzzling the boy's temple as he spoke.]
Shh, it's ok. Like I said, you stay here as long as you want. I'm glad to have you. And I used to sleep with my best friend too. Er, in the same bed I mean. When we were kids mostly, not as often when we got older. But I know what you mean. It's comforting, sleeping with someone you trust. Someone you love.
[Steve met Setsuna's eyes, his own dark and haunted, and shook his head a little. He didn't want the kid out looking, maybe asking the wrong question and getting snatched as well. His own safety was immaterial. He would find the men, no matter what it took.]
No, I haven't asked anyone else. I don't wanna risk more people getting snatched. That means you too. No asking questions or going looking. You can keep an eye out, but if I hear you've been trying to talk to people . . .
[An empty threat. He might be angry for a while, but Steve would never deny Setsuna his love and attention. Or his care. The kid was so painfully vulnerable . . .]
[Even if Steve apologized, Setsuna was only left confused by the apology, and his eyebrows furrowed together as Setsuna looked up with large eyes. He was used to people getting upset with him, and it just being his fault.]
You don't need to be sorry. Especially.... [Setsuna clamped his mouth shut, barely in time. It didn't matter, the pain his silence resulted in was enough to make his face go red. Before he knew it, Setsuna let his mouth run.] Especially since we did more than just talk. We met up and talked in person. And I talked to him because I, I, well, I, wanted to.
[Considering what he just blurted out, and Steve's invitation, Setsuna bit his bottom lip and nodded his head.] If you really don't mind, then, yeah, I'll stick around here. I want to.
[Thanks to Kira, Setsuna was accustomed to empty threats, and he thought of Steve as nothing but a big teddy-bear. However, Kira used to at least give definite threats, an open-ended one left Setsuna's mind unconsciously filling in the blanks.]
But if you don't ask people, how can we find out what happened?
[He jerked in surprise to hear just how reckless the kid had been, but he was starting to think that was not only just a part of Setsuna's basic make-up, but that there might be something about Lucifer himself the kid couldn't resist. Setsuna had seen God, fought angels, no doubt devils as well. Maybe Lucifer, any incarnation of Lucifer, held a special fascination?
Steve ran his fingers through the kid's hair, soothed by both the motion and the fact that Setsuna saw him as safe. At least the boy knew he could come to Steve, no matter what, and he'd be protected. Or he hoped Setsuna knew that. He'd tried to make it clear . . .]
Setsuna . . . I wish you wouldn't take risks like that, meeting that madman in person, but you're always welcome here. There's nothing you can do that would make me mad enough to turn my back on you. Nothing. No matter what you do, or what you get into, you can come to me. I'll help you. That's a forever promise kiddo. They think back home I'll live at least another hundred-fifty years, if not more, so you're stuck with me for life and then some.
[He tried not to think too much about his theoretical immortality. It was true that he was aging, but he wasn't aging normally by any means, and no one really had a clue how long it might take to get to a point when his body and the serum just . . . stopped. It could be tomorrow, or three thousand years in the future. No one knew. But it sure as hell hurt knowing he'd be outliving everyone he cared for over and over for the rest of his life. He'd already done it once and it had sucked.
Steve sighed and shifted, pulling Setsuna into a more comfortable position, murmuring against the kid's temple.]
I said you don't ask. Please Setsuna. I can't stand losing anyone else. I'm barely holding together as it is. If I lost you too . . . You'll help most by staying safe.
[Steve was fairly close to both truths; Setsuna's nature made it difficult for him to see most people in a negative light for long, and he was naturally drawn to Lucifer, and other celestial beings. At Steve's concern, Setsuna looked increasingly uncomfortable. He swallowed, but that didn't help.]
I don't think he's a madman. He cuddled with me. And I'm not so sure he likes being the bad guy, here. [He looked away, ashamed as he admitted all of this, especially with Steve's sincere and sweet offers. He bit his bottom lip and rubbed one foot with the other.]
Thank you. I don't want to take advantage of your kindness, though. [He listened to Steve, and tried to stay quiet, especially since what he was about to say was in relation to someone else.]
If...if it was like before. When I died, I would just reincarnate. Then you could find me again. Like my best friend did. He followed me from life to life. [At that, Setsuna's hands tightened into fists and he shook his head, trying to hide his face away. Until Steve clarified his request.]
But what about you? What if something happens to you if you go around asking? [The question was asked with a slight frown.]
Hey. If he's nice to you, that's good. And it's always your choice Setsuna. Just because I don't like something doesn't mean I can just tell you "no" and that's the end. I'm your brother, your friend. I care, and I have opinions, but I'm not not your owner or something. I just . . . worry. He's dangerous. As for taking advantage of me . . .
[Steve nuzzled Setsuna's temple, murmuring near the kid's ear softly.]
You have full permission to come and take advantage of me constantly. You're never a burden. You're a pleasure. I mean, there might be times the door's locked, but really, if you needed me, I'd be there for you. All you ever need to do is ask.
[He chuckled softly at the idea he could keep finding Setsuna, but it was to hold back the tears and devoid of humor. He hugged the kid a little tighter, as if afraid Setsuna would vanish in the next few moments.]
Would you remember me? Would you remember yourself? Of course I'd look for you Setsuna, but I'd rather you just didn't die. I've never enjoyed saying goodbye. As for me . . . Doesn't seem likely I'll get taken out anytime soon. I can be stopped temporarily, but no one yet's been able to hold me for long. Even the arctic ice had to give me up eventually. I'm fairly sure I'll be safe enough. I've run recon missions too many times to count. I also move fast enough to dodge bullets.
[Maybe. If he had warning, and a visual. And a hell of a lot of luck . . .]
[Setsuna frowned at Steve saying Lucifer was dangerous. What if he was putting Steve in danger by talking with that guy? But so far, Lucifer hadn't singled out any one person, and nothing seemed personal here, at all. But it's clear he's still uncomfortable, and all it takes is for Steve to dislike it. But that's for later.]
No, I wouldn't remember, at first. [Setsuna was honest about it, eyes wide as he looked up at Steve.] I didn't remember things at first. And I don't think I'm going to reincarnate anymore, anyway. Next time I'll just wake up Alexiel, and cease to exist. [It was a sad admission, but Setsuna had tried to not think about it. His whole plan was to just not die again until he lived a long life with Sara. But here? In Hell? The outlook wasn't very good. He listened to Steve's rundown, which might have been bragging from anyone else, but Setsuna's mouth was open in a small 'o' of awe. And yet....]
That's cool and all, but you really underestimate me, you know. [Setsuna gave Steve a snarky grin after.]
[Steve nearly squeezed the life out of the boy for a moment before he realized how tightly he was holding the kid. He relaxed it back into something bearable immediately, but his eyes sought Setsuna's, pain and worry clear in his gaze.]
Setsuna, I don't want Alexiel, I want you. I want my little brother. I don't care if you never remembered me, I'd hang around and bother you anyway! But don't just vanish Setsuna. You're my brother. I couldn't . . . I couldn't stand losing another brother . . .
[Bucky. Thinking about the man brought as much pain as pleasure now. he wanted to be close to the man again, desperately, but there was a distance he had yet to branch. The idea of losing anyone else, after already losing his original friends and family, and the new ones, and everyone on the island. He just . . . couldn't. Steve wasn't sure he could deal with anyone else vanishing and never coming back. He really might end up permanently broken.
The injection of humor was welcome and he sniffled a little, shoving back the tears, and grinned down at Setsuna, glad the kid could see some humor even when things were grim.]
I try not to. But look at you kiddo. You're such a shrimp!
[Even if it was mildly uncomfortable for a second, Setsuna nuzzled against Steve's shoulder, ignoring the rest of the world while in his arms. Just for a little bit longer.]
[When he mentioned not wanting Alexiel, Setsuna's eyes trailed down, unable to look anymore at Steve's, not when he could read so much emotion and turmoil in them as he told Steve the cold-hard truth.] That's the thing. Next time I die, that's exactly who I become. I can't avoid it. Not anymore.
Another? [The kid's spirit dampens and his eyes stay down. Part of him doesn't want to ask, knowing Steve might not be able to stop himself from answering. But for the same reason, Setsuna had trouble avoiding the question.] Who did you lose, Steve?
[Finally, his eyes move, and Setsuna looks Steve up and down, mouth wide - more because he wasn't expecting that from Steve, of all people.]
And you're a really big jerk! [This is said with an attempt at a playful shove to Steve's shoulder.]
Well, we'll make sure you live a really long time then! And . . . and after you're gone I . . . I guess I'll get to know Alexiel. I mean, at least I'll know it's still you, in some ways . . .
[The smile he offered was crooked as he bent to press his forehead to Setsuna's. Steve left it there while he thought over the kid's question, giving a soft huff of laughter. Who hadn't he lost?]
Everyone kid. I've lost everyone at some point. But I . . . I had a brother once. Not by blood, but he was as much my brother as he could be despite that. Or maybe because of it? Anyway, his name was Bucky. Er, James I guess actually. James Buchanan Barnes, but everyone called him Bucky. We'd know each other practically forever, lived a few houses apart, not that it ever mattered. We were always together, you know? Which house we were in made no difference. He was my best friend. He was everything, you know? Especially after my ma died . . .
[Steve would never mind talking about Bucky, but it did hurt. His eyes prickled with unshed tears, but he didn't want to cry all over poor Setsuna, especially when the kid shoved him for the little joke. It startled a laugh out of him and gave him an excuse to be sillier. Steve started to tickle the boy, eyes gleaming with laughter.]
Really big jerk huh? Lets see how big a jerk I can be! When's the last time you met the Tickle Monster?
I.... I don't know about that. With Kira and Lucifer- [He stops short, only for his throat to burn, again.] When I die, that's it.
[His throat continued to burn, but that isn't why his eyesight blurred over and tears started to fall. Just hearing Steve talk about Bucky, he put his hand to his heart and tried to refrain, but his tears turned to sobs and he had to hug Steve, tightly.]
[When he was a bit calmer he managed to whisper.] Me too. I lost my best friend, too. [He wiped his cheeks and spoke with a stronger voice.] Sakuya Kira. Kira...he.... He came back as Lucifer. Same face, same voice. [He can't quite look at Steve, but wants to share his pain in any way he can, even if it's just with hugs and stories.] But my best friend is gone. Because of that, I know when I die...it's not gonna be the same.
[The tickling took him completely off guard. He wasn't terribly ticklish, but it was enough he started to dissolve into laughter. In between, he had tried to shout out words while he squirmed with the attempt to get out of Steve's arms.]
STT-OOP! No one! Ever tri-! N-n-never! [He should have given up, but he kept trying to blurt the same useless words out.]
Even if it's all in my head, I won't stop trying to spend time with Setsuna. When it happens, if it happens, I'll stick around Alexiel. I promise. I won't leave my baby brother. Ever.
[He made a sound of protest when Setsuna started to cry, but he just clung to the boy when he burrowed closer. Steve hadn't meant to upset the kid! He rocked Setsuna a little as the boy cried, kissing Setsuna's hair while he mumbled soothing nothings, smiling at the boy when he finally looked up.]
Shh, it's ok. I didn't mean to make you cry sweetheart, and I absolutely didn't mean to make you remember such a sad thing. You wanna tell me more about Kira? I think you've mentioned him before. What did he look like? Did you two get into trouble together?
[He wanted to know. The potion made him more open as well, but Steve was actively ignoring the prompting for the most part. Setsuna seemed especially susceptible to it though. Steve knew he shouldn't push but . . .
He laughed along with the kid as he acted like a typical big brother, making Setsuna suffer and laugh until he almost peed. Because the kid should have at least a few good memories to cling to.]
...that's almost as sad as what Kira did. Following Alexiel's lives for as long as he did, looking for her in them. Even in me. Only, with you it would be the other way.
[As for Steve's comforting words, and soothing tone, Setsuna settled into it, even though he still couldn't help the tears. They were slower and at least he could speak, now.] It's not your fault. I couldn't help it when you talked about Bucky.
[Setsuna smiles, though it's a sad, hollow smile.] Losing him was really hard on me. Sounds like you and Bucky were friends longer, but I stayed with Kira a lot. It was better than being home by myself.
Bastard was abnormally tall for Japanese. Six-one. Slender. Brown hair down to his shoulders. He used to read all the time. But yeah.... He'd drag me out to skip school, especially if I was in a bad mood. Used to drag me off to parties all the time.
[He can't help the rambling, or the way his chest tightens every time Kira is brought back up. This time, he has to take a deep breath as he can picture Kira standing in front of him.] So...what was Bucky like?
[The tickling, though, Setsuna wasn't sure he could handle much more.]
Kn-knock it off! I-AHA!! Stop! I'll ha-AVE - to kick you!
[He hung his head. It wouldn't be the first time he'd done something stupidly pathetic. Torturing himself with visits to Peggy even though half the time she couldn't remember him. Touring the exhibit to gaze on the public face of his own life. Wandering the streets looking for familiar faces he knew he'd never see again . . . The idea of getting to know someone who could at least talk about Setsuna with him seemed pretty sane by comparison.]
I'm gonna live an awful long time Setsuna. To be honest, I'm gonna lose everyone eventually. If I end up following around an angel when remembers you like I do . . . At least we can remember you together. That's something.
[He sighed and cupped Setsuna's cheek, wishing he could take all that pain and unhappiness away. But he couldn't. The kid's life was so miserable, and somehow he still looked so happy! It was amazing!]
Bucky was . . . amazing. I was a shrimp when I was a kid. Sickly and skinny and washed out, and always getting beat up since I never could back down from a fight. Bucky was everything I always wanted to be. He was tall and handsome and strong. He was popular too, which always made me wonder why he bothered with me. He grew up to be a soldier you know? He was a war hero too even before we all got together. He . . . mn. I lost him during a mission. Literally. I just couldn't reach him and he . . . he fell . . .
[God it hurt! He could see the memory so clearly . . . Steve shut his eyes against the tears and took a moment, swallowing hard. Although he treasured those memories, they sure could cut.
Steve was breathless before he finally let the kid go, eyes sparkling at the way Setsuna was finally looking a little happier. It was just so cute!]
[Sounds like Steve and Kira could get on quite well, too. But, well, Lucifer....]
[He can't get himself to even speak hearing Steve's fate. He's already seen enough people to die, the thought of being aware as Alexiel, would be similar enough. Sympathetic, he presses his face into Steve's hand, then leans in to hug Steve tightly, again.]
[When Steve talks more about Bucky, Setsuna starts to cry again, but this time he starts to laugh, too.]
I wanted to be like Kira, too. I always looked up to him, because he was so laid-back and charming. He saved my ass a few times. I was always getting in fights. [He leans his head on Steve's shoulder and mildly smiles.] If it wasn't for him, I'd've been dead. Several times over.
Even I wondered why someone like that wasted time with me, when he was older, and it was clear I was just a hindrance to him, sometimes. [And then his smile fell completely.] He died protecting me.
[His voice drops to a near whisper as he turns to Steve's ear.] I'm so sorry, Steve. I don't think this conversation is easy for either of us.
[Setsuna sighs with relief. Instead of pushing away, he clings to Steve even more, once he's done tickling him.]
You know, I think I might like this Kira of yours. Although I wouldn't change a thing about you personally. Well, maybe have you be a little less reckless, but nothing else. And same for me. When were younger, Bucky got me out of so many fights where I'd've been dead otherwise, I lost count. And then on the field too . . .
[He hugged Setsuna tightly, understanding and offering the comfort of someone that really did get it. He spoke against the kid's hair, his own voice tight.]
So did Bucky. They were shooting at me, but it was him that fell . . . And I don't care if it hurts to talk Setsuna. I want someone else to know how great and brave my Bucky was, just like you want me to know your Kira. That makes it all worthwhile.
[Steve caught his breath, holding Setsuna against his chest, still chuckling.]
You were laughing. That makes it fun, not weird. You really never had someone play Tickle Monster with you? Not ever? I mean, I know it's usually done with little kids but . . . It's still fun.
And I would like Bucky. [He's completely certain of that. Someone protected Steve...that person was worth knowing on that alone.] I wish you could meet him...but.... [He didn't need to finish that. He was gone, that's all there was to it.]
[Setsuna settled into the warmth of Steve's arms as he held him, clinging back as he slowed his breathing and tried to keep the images from returning to his mind.] Again, I'm sorry, Steve. Bucky sounds like a pretty amazing person.
[As for ticking. Setsuna crossed his arms and managed a mock glare at Steve.] It was still weird! And no. No one ever did anything like that. [He goes a bit more somber.] My mother...didn't touch me nicely anymore after the accident we were in, when I was really little.
[Either it's all of the talk of Kira, the memories coming to the surface, his empathy for Steve and Bucky, or the memory of how empty his childhood was, Setsuna wanted to pull out that last cigarette of his. He pushed back from Steve just a little and pulled it out to stick it in his mouth.]
He's here. Bucky I mean. A version of him anyway. There was one on the island too, but he wasn't . . . He couldn't be with me. I'm not sure why, he never sat still long enough for me to ask. He just . . . kept running away. The one that's here isn't that same Bucky though. He's talked to me, a little. But it's not . . . not quite like . . . before . . .
[He sighed and shrugged, unable to go farther. It was so deeply confusing and complicated. It was easier to talk about the tickling, which Steve was starting to wonder about. Had it really been a good idea? He didn't know what else he could have done to try and cheer up the kid, especially when he started talking about his mother. That someone supposedly meant to love and care for him to be so cruel . . . Steve just couldn't understand how a person did that and he couldn't find words to help either.
Of course, the sudden appearance of a cigarette had Steve's full attention. He plucked it from Setsuna's fingers with a scowl, tempted to just crush it.]
[Setsuna perked up.] If he's here, can I meet him? But what do you mean not like before...? [He dampened to that, remembering when Lucifer appeared.] Is he okay?
[For Setsuna, it was easier to talk about tickling, too, but it was so hard to control where the conversation went, or what he blabbered and admitted to Steve. He didn't want to talk about his mother, either. There was a strange sense of relief when Steve didn't ask anything about her. Yeah, he'd rather be tickled.]
Hey! That's mine. [Setsuna started off sounding irate, but when he caught Steve's expression he did duck his head down, a little, and softened his tone.] I found a carton downstairs in the basement.
He is but . . . but I . . . mn. It's complicated kiddo. A lot of things happened to Bucky after I thought he was dead. It turns out he . . . he didn't die when he fell from the train. He got kidnapped by the enemy and experimented on and frozen. They turned him into a monster, an assassin, and they used him like a tool. For decades. He's . . . he's not the same man Setsuna. I think he's trying to be, but . . .
[Steve shrugged a little, too choked up to say more. It was the most he'd said to anyone, but Setsuna deserved to know. They already shared so much, he wanted to share everything.
He continued to hold the cigarette, although smashing it would have been ridiculously satisfying. He wasn't complete unreasonable, just mostly. Steve had smelled smoke on the boy before, but he'd chalked it up to a roommate or a friend, simply because he couldn't believe the kid could be so stupid. Everyone knew how dangerous it was!]
If you found it, it doesn't really sound much like it's yours Setsuna. And why did you take them in the first place? Don't tell me you actively smoke!? I know you don't do it often, you'd reek if you did, but I thought it was just a roommate or a friend . . . It's been you this whole time? Really?
[There was another strained, watery laugh of pained empathy from Setsuna.] You know...when Kira came back as Lucifer, I thought he had been turned, brainwashed, by the guy were were fighting against. That he was being used like that. He killed so many people. But in the end, he was just Lucifer. [Brief pause while Setsuna tries to set aside that pain. He reaches to hold Steve's hand.]
I never thought about it before, how much going through all of that might mess up someone's mind. I've only been taken over by a couple of people, and forced to do stuff I didn't want to. I can only imagine if it was for a long time, and to kill like that. He probably needs a lot of time to heal. Be his own person again.
[He switches from sweet and concerned to frustrated quickly.]
It is mine. Give it back. [It only occurs to him after that his demanding tone is probably a bad idea. When Steve's upset fully registers in Setsuna's brain, he takes a deep breath and answers with a bit more respect in his own voice.]
Yes. I've been smoking. It's been me this whole time.
[He just nodded. Steve had said all he could about Bucky for the moment. Anything else was beyond him. Steve squeezed the boy's hand, longing to pull him close again but fighting the urge. He'd have to let the kid go one day after all. Just because it made him feel better, like he was helping in some way, didn't mean he had the right to completely monopolize the kid's time.
The anger and the hurt in his eyes had to be obvious to Setsuna as he held the boy's gaze. Steve had never smoked before the serum simply because it would probably have killed him. Granted, he and Bucky had once or twice managed to steal a cigar or two to try, but it had made them both horribly sick. Actual smoking, however, had never been his thing. Even after the serum he hadn't bothered more than the occasional celebratory few puffs with his team. Back then, no one was told how damaging it was, or what their lives would be like years down the line. But to see his brother doing the same filthy thing that had done so much harm . . .]
[Steve did finally crush the cigarette, letting the dusty bits fall to the floor with a defiant gleam in his eye.]
I see. In that case, I suggest you reassess the situation. I won't let you kill yourself that way Setsuna. I'm like a bloodhound. I'll smell the damn things out if you every bring them near me, and I'll search your room too. I'll find any you try to hide. I'll make it so much work to smoke you won't have any choice but to give it up.
[Setsuna's breath caught, hung up on the look in Steve's eyes - he interpreted it as disappointment. His eyes widened at every word. And as much as some part of Setsuna wanted to just nod his head in agreement, while part of him knew it was the smart thing to do, he still got snippy. Even as tears filled his eyes, he tried to stand as tall as he could.]
I don't need a stalker! I barely even smoke! Certainly not enough to kill me. You're overreacting, Steve.
[Despite his own defiance, there was still a tremble to his bottom lip, and his eyes stayed open wide.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-09-29 07:10 pm (UTC)No. It [he hates giving the event an actual name or talking about it] brought back a lot of bad memories. [He's still not aware how hyper aware he is, or how much he's afraid of being taken again.]
Fuck. [It's a quiet curse, but he's annoyed he can't even spare Steve his melodramatics. And changing the subject in this situation likely wouldn't do them any good. Both were probably going to learn some things, today.]
[There's a deep frown to Steve's situation and concerns.]
Is that normal? For people to go missing? You could tell me what they look like, and I could help you search.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-30 11:44 pm (UTC)Yeah. It has. I doubt you're the only one who's suffering kiddo. I know I've been having nightmares. When I can even drift off at all. But you can stay with me for a while if you want. I always do sleep better with someone else in the bed.
[As soon as he said it, Steve's cheeks went red, but at least the kid couldn't easily see that. Honestly, how could he be so crude? Yes, it was true, but he generally only slept with James or Loki nearby, or wrapped in his arms. Grown men who were . . . grown men! He'd made it sound dirty, having Setsuna in his bed, which it absolutely wasn't. Steve was grateful for the subject change and pounced on it eagerly. Not that is was so much less awkward . . .]
Normal, no. Not for this length of time. No one has seen them, or saw them get taken. They just . . . vanished. And no one has a clue where they went. Do you know the Kirks, Setsuna? They look like brothers, but one has a scar on his cheek. You couldn't miss either of them if you saw 'em. Tall, dirty-blond hair cut pretty short. Muscular. They're almost twins and they usually spend a lot of time together. James has the scar and he's . . . he's ah . . . Jim is really nice and friendly, someone people gravitate towards. James is . . . mn.
[Steve wanted to confess to any number of things about James, but none were appropriate, especially not to tell Setsuna. He waved a hand vaguely, enduring the pain of the potion in favor of saying too much.]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-03 01:48 am (UTC)Even Lucifer seemed like he's having a rough time. At least he did when I talk to him.
[Uncomfortable after that, Setsuna switches the subject back to sleeping.] I used to be able to sleep alone, but here, I think it might be best. I can probably stay here for a bit. Why not? [For Setsuna, after spending the night with Kira multiple times, and sleeping in his best friend's bed, the offer feels purely platonic. And now this his mind switching gears he couldn't stop himself, it was either say it or choke on his pain. ]
I...I used to stay with my best friend all the time. [He manages a sort of sad smile to that. He hasn't really brought up Kira, or Katou, since arriving, trying to avoid the pain that comes with mentioning them. It's contest for which pain is worse - the pain of Kira's memories, or the pain that builds from silence.]
[Setsuna listens, then shakes his head.] No, don't know them. But I could still help look. [He notices Steve struggling so he tries to think of either something to say, or ask.]
You got anyone else help you looking?
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Date: 2019-10-11 01:41 am (UTC)[The words and tone were angry, but Steve squashed it immediately, never loosening his hold on the boy as he squeezed his eyes shut. He counted his breaths and listened to the other things the boy had to say, reminding himself that someone Setsuna's age, despite having suffered so much, often didn't understand the dangers they put themselves in. For all his traumas, Setsuna was still so damned innocent . . .
The choked confession had him snuggling Setsuna tighter, nuzzling the boy's temple as he spoke.]
Shh, it's ok. Like I said, you stay here as long as you want. I'm glad to have you. And I used to sleep with my best friend too. Er, in the same bed I mean. When we were kids mostly, not as often when we got older. But I know what you mean. It's comforting, sleeping with someone you trust. Someone you love.
[Steve met Setsuna's eyes, his own dark and haunted, and shook his head a little. He didn't want the kid out looking, maybe asking the wrong question and getting snatched as well. His own safety was immaterial. He would find the men, no matter what it took.]
No, I haven't asked anyone else. I don't wanna risk more people getting snatched. That means you too. No asking questions or going looking. You can keep an eye out, but if I hear you've been trying to talk to people . . .
[An empty threat. He might be angry for a while, but Steve would never deny Setsuna his love and attention. Or his care. The kid was so painfully vulnerable . . .]
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Date: 2019-10-12 05:01 am (UTC)You don't need to be sorry. Especially.... [Setsuna clamped his mouth shut, barely in time. It didn't matter, the pain his silence resulted in was enough to make his face go red. Before he knew it, Setsuna let his mouth run.] Especially since we did more than just talk. We met up and talked in person. And I talked to him because I, I, well, I, wanted to.
[Considering what he just blurted out, and Steve's invitation, Setsuna bit his bottom lip and nodded his head.] If you really don't mind, then, yeah, I'll stick around here. I want to.
[Thanks to Kira, Setsuna was accustomed to empty threats, and he thought of Steve as nothing but a big teddy-bear. However, Kira used to at least give definite threats, an open-ended one left Setsuna's mind unconsciously filling in the blanks.]
But if you don't ask people, how can we find out what happened?
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Date: 2019-10-16 03:14 am (UTC)Steve ran his fingers through the kid's hair, soothed by both the motion and the fact that Setsuna saw him as safe. At least the boy knew he could come to Steve, no matter what, and he'd be protected. Or he hoped Setsuna knew that. He'd tried to make it clear . . .]
Setsuna . . . I wish you wouldn't take risks like that, meeting that madman in person, but you're always welcome here. There's nothing you can do that would make me mad enough to turn my back on you. Nothing. No matter what you do, or what you get into, you can come to me. I'll help you. That's a forever promise kiddo. They think back home I'll live at least another hundred-fifty years, if not more, so you're stuck with me for life and then some.
[He tried not to think too much about his theoretical immortality. It was true that he was aging, but he wasn't aging normally by any means, and no one really had a clue how long it might take to get to a point when his body and the serum just . . . stopped. It could be tomorrow, or three thousand years in the future. No one knew. But it sure as hell hurt knowing he'd be outliving everyone he cared for over and over for the rest of his life. He'd already done it once and it had sucked.
Steve sighed and shifted, pulling Setsuna into a more comfortable position, murmuring against the kid's temple.]
I said you don't ask. Please Setsuna. I can't stand losing anyone else. I'm barely holding together as it is. If I lost you too . . . You'll help most by staying safe.
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Date: 2019-10-19 02:47 am (UTC)I don't think he's a madman. He cuddled with me. And I'm not so sure he likes being the bad guy, here. [He looked away, ashamed as he admitted all of this, especially with Steve's sincere and sweet offers. He bit his bottom lip and rubbed one foot with the other.]
Thank you. I don't want to take advantage of your kindness, though. [He listened to Steve, and tried to stay quiet, especially since what he was about to say was in relation to someone else.]
If...if it was like before. When I died, I would just reincarnate. Then you could find me again. Like my best friend did. He followed me from life to life. [At that, Setsuna's hands tightened into fists and he shook his head, trying to hide his face away. Until Steve clarified his request.]
But what about you? What if something happens to you if you go around asking? [The question was asked with a slight frown.]
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Date: 2019-10-20 11:44 pm (UTC)[Steve nuzzled Setsuna's temple, murmuring near the kid's ear softly.]
You have full permission to come and take advantage of me constantly. You're never a burden. You're a pleasure. I mean, there might be times the door's locked, but really, if you needed me, I'd be there for you. All you ever need to do is ask.
[He chuckled softly at the idea he could keep finding Setsuna, but it was to hold back the tears and devoid of humor. He hugged the kid a little tighter, as if afraid Setsuna would vanish in the next few moments.]
Would you remember me? Would you remember yourself? Of course I'd look for you Setsuna, but I'd rather you just didn't die. I've never enjoyed saying goodbye. As for me . . . Doesn't seem likely I'll get taken out anytime soon. I can be stopped temporarily, but no one yet's been able to hold me for long. Even the arctic ice had to give me up eventually. I'm fairly sure I'll be safe enough. I've run recon missions too many times to count. I also move fast enough to dodge bullets.
[Maybe. If he had warning, and a visual. And a hell of a lot of luck . . .]
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Date: 2019-10-21 02:03 am (UTC)No, I wouldn't remember, at first. [Setsuna was honest about it, eyes wide as he looked up at Steve.] I didn't remember things at first. And I don't think I'm going to reincarnate anymore, anyway. Next time I'll just wake up Alexiel, and cease to exist. [It was a sad admission, but Setsuna had tried to not think about it. His whole plan was to just not die again until he lived a long life with Sara. But here? In Hell? The outlook wasn't very good. He listened to Steve's rundown, which might have been bragging from anyone else, but Setsuna's mouth was open in a small 'o' of awe. And yet....]
That's cool and all, but you really underestimate me, you know. [Setsuna gave Steve a snarky grin after.]
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Date: 2019-10-25 04:20 am (UTC)[Steve nearly squeezed the life out of the boy for a moment before he realized how tightly he was holding the kid. He relaxed it back into something bearable immediately, but his eyes sought Setsuna's, pain and worry clear in his gaze.]
Setsuna, I don't want Alexiel, I want you. I want my little brother. I don't care if you never remembered me, I'd hang around and bother you anyway! But don't just vanish Setsuna. You're my brother. I couldn't . . . I couldn't stand losing another brother . . .
[Bucky. Thinking about the man brought as much pain as pleasure now. he wanted to be close to the man again, desperately, but there was a distance he had yet to branch. The idea of losing anyone else, after already losing his original friends and family, and the new ones, and everyone on the island. He just . . . couldn't. Steve wasn't sure he could deal with anyone else vanishing and never coming back. He really might end up permanently broken.
The injection of humor was welcome and he sniffled a little, shoving back the tears, and grinned down at Setsuna, glad the kid could see some humor even when things were grim.]
I try not to. But look at you kiddo. You're such a shrimp!
Just a reminder - THIS is the truth potion thread
Date: 2019-10-26 08:06 pm (UTC)[When he mentioned not wanting Alexiel, Setsuna's eyes trailed down, unable to look anymore at Steve's, not when he could read so much emotion and turmoil in them as he told Steve the cold-hard truth.] That's the thing. Next time I die, that's exactly who I become. I can't avoid it. Not anymore.
Another? [The kid's spirit dampens and his eyes stay down. Part of him doesn't want to ask, knowing Steve might not be able to stop himself from answering. But for the same reason, Setsuna had trouble avoiding the question.] Who did you lose, Steve?
[Finally, his eyes move, and Setsuna looks Steve up and down, mouth wide - more because he wasn't expecting that from Steve, of all people.]
And you're a really big jerk! [This is said with an attempt at a playful shove to Steve's shoulder.]
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Date: 2019-11-10 09:30 pm (UTC)[The smile he offered was crooked as he bent to press his forehead to Setsuna's. Steve left it there while he thought over the kid's question, giving a soft huff of laughter. Who hadn't he lost?]
Everyone kid. I've lost everyone at some point. But I . . . I had a brother once. Not by blood, but he was as much my brother as he could be despite that. Or maybe because of it? Anyway, his name was Bucky. Er, James I guess actually. James Buchanan Barnes, but everyone called him Bucky. We'd know each other practically forever, lived a few houses apart, not that it ever mattered. We were always together, you know? Which house we were in made no difference. He was my best friend. He was everything, you know? Especially after my ma died . . .
[Steve would never mind talking about Bucky, but it did hurt. His eyes prickled with unshed tears, but he didn't want to cry all over poor Setsuna, especially when the kid shoved him for the little joke. It startled a laugh out of him and gave him an excuse to be sillier. Steve started to tickle the boy, eyes gleaming with laughter.]
Really big jerk huh? Lets see how big a jerk I can be! When's the last time you met the Tickle Monster?
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Date: 2019-11-10 10:02 pm (UTC)[His throat continued to burn, but that isn't why his eyesight blurred over and tears started to fall. Just hearing Steve talk about Bucky, he put his hand to his heart and tried to refrain, but his tears turned to sobs and he had to hug Steve, tightly.]
[When he was a bit calmer he managed to whisper.] Me too. I lost my best friend, too. [He wiped his cheeks and spoke with a stronger voice.] Sakuya Kira. Kira...he.... He came back as Lucifer. Same face, same voice. [He can't quite look at Steve, but wants to share his pain in any way he can, even if it's just with hugs and stories.] But my best friend is gone. Because of that, I know when I die...it's not gonna be the same.
[The tickling took him completely off guard. He wasn't terribly ticklish, but it was enough he started to dissolve into laughter. In between, he had tried to shout out words while he squirmed with the attempt to get out of Steve's arms.]
STT-OOP! No one! Ever tri-! N-n-never! [He should have given up, but he kept trying to blurt the same useless words out.]
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Date: 2019-11-10 10:32 pm (UTC)[He made a sound of protest when Setsuna started to cry, but he just clung to the boy when he burrowed closer. Steve hadn't meant to upset the kid! He rocked Setsuna a little as the boy cried, kissing Setsuna's hair while he mumbled soothing nothings, smiling at the boy when he finally looked up.]
Shh, it's ok. I didn't mean to make you cry sweetheart, and I absolutely didn't mean to make you remember such a sad thing. You wanna tell me more about Kira? I think you've mentioned him before. What did he look like? Did you two get into trouble together?
[He wanted to know. The potion made him more open as well, but Steve was actively ignoring the prompting for the most part. Setsuna seemed especially susceptible to it though. Steve knew he shouldn't push but . . .
He laughed along with the kid as he acted like a typical big brother, making Setsuna suffer and laugh until he almost peed. Because the kid should have at least a few good memories to cling to.]
Raaaaaaaaaaaarh! Tickle Monster! I'll never stop!
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Date: 2019-11-10 10:48 pm (UTC)[As for Steve's comforting words, and soothing tone, Setsuna settled into it, even though he still couldn't help the tears. They were slower and at least he could speak, now.] It's not your fault. I couldn't help it when you talked about Bucky.
[Setsuna smiles, though it's a sad, hollow smile.] Losing him was really hard on me. Sounds like you and Bucky were friends longer, but I stayed with Kira a lot. It was better than being home by myself.
Bastard was abnormally tall for Japanese. Six-one. Slender. Brown hair down to his shoulders. He used to read all the time. But yeah.... He'd drag me out to skip school, especially if I was in a bad mood. Used to drag me off to parties all the time.
[He can't help the rambling, or the way his chest tightens every time Kira is brought back up. This time, he has to take a deep breath as he can picture Kira standing in front of him.] So...what was Bucky like?
[The tickling, though, Setsuna wasn't sure he could handle much more.]
Kn-knock it off! I-AHA!! Stop! I'll ha-AVE - to kick you!
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Date: 2019-11-10 11:17 pm (UTC)I'm gonna live an awful long time Setsuna. To be honest, I'm gonna lose everyone eventually. If I end up following around an angel when remembers you like I do . . . At least we can remember you together. That's something.
[He sighed and cupped Setsuna's cheek, wishing he could take all that pain and unhappiness away. But he couldn't. The kid's life was so miserable, and somehow he still looked so happy! It was amazing!]
Bucky was . . . amazing. I was a shrimp when I was a kid. Sickly and skinny and washed out, and always getting beat up since I never could back down from a fight. Bucky was everything I always wanted to be. He was tall and handsome and strong. He was popular too, which always made me wonder why he bothered with me. He grew up to be a soldier you know? He was a war hero too even before we all got together. He . . . mn. I lost him during a mission. Literally. I just couldn't reach him and he . . . he fell . . .
[God it hurt! He could see the memory so clearly . . . Steve shut his eyes against the tears and took a moment, swallowing hard. Although he treasured those memories, they sure could cut.
Steve was breathless before he finally let the kid go, eyes sparkling at the way Setsuna was finally looking a little happier. It was just so cute!]
Ok ok! I'll stop. But admit it. That was fun!
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Date: 2019-11-10 11:35 pm (UTC)[He can't get himself to even speak hearing Steve's fate. He's already seen enough people to die, the thought of being aware as Alexiel, would be similar enough. Sympathetic, he presses his face into Steve's hand, then leans in to hug Steve tightly, again.]
[When Steve talks more about Bucky, Setsuna starts to cry again, but this time he starts to laugh, too.]
I wanted to be like Kira, too. I always looked up to him, because he was so laid-back and charming. He saved my ass a few times. I was always getting in fights. [He leans his head on Steve's shoulder and mildly smiles.] If it wasn't for him, I'd've been dead. Several times over.
Even I wondered why someone like that wasted time with me, when he was older, and it was clear I was just a hindrance to him, sometimes. [And then his smile fell completely.] He died protecting me.
[His voice drops to a near whisper as he turns to Steve's ear.] I'm so sorry, Steve. I don't think this conversation is easy for either of us.
[Setsuna sighs with relief. Instead of pushing away, he clings to Steve even more, once he's done tickling him.]
It was not fun! It was weird!
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Date: 2019-11-10 11:53 pm (UTC)[He hugged Setsuna tightly, understanding and offering the comfort of someone that really did get it. He spoke against the kid's hair, his own voice tight.]
So did Bucky. They were shooting at me, but it was him that fell . . . And I don't care if it hurts to talk Setsuna. I want someone else to know how great and brave my Bucky was, just like you want me to know your Kira. That makes it all worthwhile.
[Steve caught his breath, holding Setsuna against his chest, still chuckling.]
You were laughing. That makes it fun, not weird. You really never had someone play Tickle Monster with you? Not ever? I mean, I know it's usually done with little kids but . . . It's still fun.
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Date: 2019-11-11 12:05 am (UTC)[Setsuna settled into the warmth of Steve's arms as he held him, clinging back as he slowed his breathing and tried to keep the images from returning to his mind.] Again, I'm sorry, Steve. Bucky sounds like a pretty amazing person.
[As for ticking. Setsuna crossed his arms and managed a mock glare at Steve.] It was still weird! And no. No one ever did anything like that. [He goes a bit more somber.] My mother...didn't touch me nicely anymore after the accident we were in, when I was really little.
[Either it's all of the talk of Kira, the memories coming to the surface, his empathy for Steve and Bucky, or the memory of how empty his childhood was, Setsuna wanted to pull out that last cigarette of his. He pushed back from Steve just a little and pulled it out to stick it in his mouth.]
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Date: 2019-11-11 12:29 am (UTC)[Steve was quiet for a little while, thinking.]
He's here. Bucky I mean. A version of him anyway. There was one on the island too, but he wasn't . . . He couldn't be with me. I'm not sure why, he never sat still long enough for me to ask. He just . . . kept running away. The one that's here isn't that same Bucky though. He's talked to me, a little. But it's not . . . not quite like . . . before . . .
[He sighed and shrugged, unable to go farther. It was so deeply confusing and complicated. It was easier to talk about the tickling, which Steve was starting to wonder about. Had it really been a good idea? He didn't know what else he could have done to try and cheer up the kid, especially when he started talking about his mother. That someone supposedly meant to love and care for him to be so cruel . . . Steve just couldn't understand how a person did that and he couldn't find words to help either.
Of course, the sudden appearance of a cigarette had Steve's full attention. He plucked it from Setsuna's fingers with a scowl, tempted to just crush it.]
Setsuna! Where did you get a cigarette from?
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Date: 2019-11-11 12:38 am (UTC)[For Setsuna, it was easier to talk about tickling, too, but it was so hard to control where the conversation went, or what he blabbered and admitted to Steve. He didn't want to talk about his mother, either. There was a strange sense of relief when Steve didn't ask anything about her. Yeah, he'd rather be tickled.]
Hey! That's mine. [Setsuna started off sounding irate, but when he caught Steve's expression he did duck his head down, a little, and softened his tone.] I found a carton downstairs in the basement.
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Date: 2019-11-11 01:05 am (UTC)[Steve shrugged a little, too choked up to say more. It was the most he'd said to anyone, but Setsuna deserved to know. They already shared so much, he wanted to share everything.
He continued to hold the cigarette, although smashing it would have been ridiculously satisfying. He wasn't complete unreasonable, just mostly. Steve had smelled smoke on the boy before, but he'd chalked it up to a roommate or a friend, simply because he couldn't believe the kid could be so stupid. Everyone knew how dangerous it was!]
If you found it, it doesn't really sound much like it's yours Setsuna. And why did you take them in the first place? Don't tell me you actively smoke!? I know you don't do it often, you'd reek if you did, but I thought it was just a roommate or a friend . . . It's been you this whole time? Really?
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Date: 2019-11-11 01:30 am (UTC)I never thought about it before, how much going through all of that might mess up someone's mind. I've only been taken over by a couple of people, and forced to do stuff I didn't want to. I can only imagine if it was for a long time, and to kill like that. He probably needs a lot of time to heal. Be his own person again.
[He switches from sweet and concerned to frustrated quickly.]
It is mine. Give it back. [It only occurs to him after that his demanding tone is probably a bad idea. When Steve's upset fully registers in Setsuna's brain, he takes a deep breath and answers with a bit more respect in his own voice.]
Yes. I've been smoking. It's been me this whole time.
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Date: 2019-11-11 02:02 am (UTC)The anger and the hurt in his eyes had to be obvious to Setsuna as he held the boy's gaze. Steve had never smoked before the serum simply because it would probably have killed him. Granted, he and Bucky had once or twice managed to steal a cigar or two to try, but it had made them both horribly sick. Actual smoking, however, had never been his thing. Even after the serum he hadn't bothered more than the occasional celebratory few puffs with his team. Back then, no one was told how damaging it was, or what their lives would be like years down the line. But to see his brother doing the same filthy thing that had done so much harm . . .]
[Steve did finally crush the cigarette, letting the dusty bits fall to the floor with a defiant gleam in his eye.]
I see. In that case, I suggest you reassess the situation. I won't let you kill yourself that way Setsuna. I'm like a bloodhound. I'll smell the damn things out if you every bring them near me, and I'll search your room too. I'll find any you try to hide. I'll make it so much work to smoke you won't have any choice but to give it up.
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Date: 2019-11-11 02:14 am (UTC)I don't need a stalker! I barely even smoke! Certainly not enough to kill me. You're overreacting, Steve.
[Despite his own defiance, there was still a tremble to his bottom lip, and his eyes stayed open wide.]
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