[There was another strained, watery laugh of pained empathy from Setsuna.] You know...when Kira came back as Lucifer, I thought he had been turned, brainwashed, by the guy were were fighting against. That he was being used like that. He killed so many people. But in the end, he was just Lucifer. [Brief pause while Setsuna tries to set aside that pain. He reaches to hold Steve's hand.]
I never thought about it before, how much going through all of that might mess up someone's mind. I've only been taken over by a couple of people, and forced to do stuff I didn't want to. I can only imagine if it was for a long time, and to kill like that. He probably needs a lot of time to heal. Be his own person again.
[He switches from sweet and concerned to frustrated quickly.]
It is mine. Give it back. [It only occurs to him after that his demanding tone is probably a bad idea. When Steve's upset fully registers in Setsuna's brain, he takes a deep breath and answers with a bit more respect in his own voice.]
Yes. I've been smoking. It's been me this whole time.
[He just nodded. Steve had said all he could about Bucky for the moment. Anything else was beyond him. Steve squeezed the boy's hand, longing to pull him close again but fighting the urge. He'd have to let the kid go one day after all. Just because it made him feel better, like he was helping in some way, didn't mean he had the right to completely monopolize the kid's time.
The anger and the hurt in his eyes had to be obvious to Setsuna as he held the boy's gaze. Steve had never smoked before the serum simply because it would probably have killed him. Granted, he and Bucky had once or twice managed to steal a cigar or two to try, but it had made them both horribly sick. Actual smoking, however, had never been his thing. Even after the serum he hadn't bothered more than the occasional celebratory few puffs with his team. Back then, no one was told how damaging it was, or what their lives would be like years down the line. But to see his brother doing the same filthy thing that had done so much harm . . .]
[Steve did finally crush the cigarette, letting the dusty bits fall to the floor with a defiant gleam in his eye.]
I see. In that case, I suggest you reassess the situation. I won't let you kill yourself that way Setsuna. I'm like a bloodhound. I'll smell the damn things out if you every bring them near me, and I'll search your room too. I'll find any you try to hide. I'll make it so much work to smoke you won't have any choice but to give it up.
[Setsuna's breath caught, hung up on the look in Steve's eyes - he interpreted it as disappointment. His eyes widened at every word. And as much as some part of Setsuna wanted to just nod his head in agreement, while part of him knew it was the smart thing to do, he still got snippy. Even as tears filled his eyes, he tried to stand as tall as he could.]
I don't need a stalker! I barely even smoke! Certainly not enough to kill me. You're overreacting, Steve.
[Despite his own defiance, there was still a tremble to his bottom lip, and his eyes stayed open wide.]
[He saw the tears, and he also saw the courage. And he was overreacting. But he was so scared of Setsuna becoming dependent, cutting his already short life even shorter. What would happen if he leaned on them like the crutch they so often became? Steve forced himself to keep his hands away even though all he wanted was to apologize and make the fight as if it had never been.]
Well then it's tough that you have one, isn't it? I won't let you poison yourself Setsuna. I won't let you develop a habit for those filthy things! Promise you won't smoke!
[The worst part, to Setsuna, is how he almost wanted to just promise, especially if it means Steve no longer seemed mad at him. Any anger or snappiness to his demeanor and tone deflated, leaving him troubled, despite his words.]
They're not a habit. And you can't watch me every waking moment, or know everything. I won't always be here, and you won't always be here, either.
That's a decision I have to make on my own. But... [But...that face. The thought that if he walked away like this, and this was the last conversation he had with Steve? Talking about Kira hit him in more ways than one.] But I'll stop, okay? I choose to. If puts you at ease.
[The anger melted away leaving only worry and pain. Steve caught the boy and pulled him into a tight hug, voice strained and choked.]
I know I won't always have you. I know it. Everyone leaves eventually one way or another. But I damn well want you for as long as I can have you. I need you Setsuna. I need you in my life, and I think you like being needed, hmm? I always wanted a younger brother, someone I could protect and teach and love. Someone I could share things with. I . . . I know they don't seem like a big deal, but what if someone poisoned them? What if this place drugged them? Any habit is dangerous Setsuna, even a once-in-a-while habit. Please. Please understand why I'm asking for this. Please . . .
[Any of Setsuna's anger and frustration dissipated like water on a hot side-walk in summer. When Steve hugged him again, Setsuna broke into tears.]
I'm sorry. [He cringed.] I didn't think of any of that.
[As for need, the only thing he can do is nod his head. He never considered that, or understood that might be why he was constantly drawn back to Steve - but he loved this, the feel of not just being needed, but wanted.] I-I do.... I like being needed. [He pulled back to look up at Steve.] And, I promise, I won't touch them anymore. I gave the rest of the carton away to Cain, anyway.
Shhh . . . shh Setsuna! Don't cry! Please don't cry love! I know you didn't mean any harm, I know that! And I wouldn't expect you to think about drugs and poison. That's something I worry about. Normal people don't need to. It's just that this place . . . This place doesn't treat anyone fairly, especially someone like you. It's so cruel to you Setsuna . . .
[He gave a slight chuckle at the mention of Cain, not surprised in the least the man had been the beneficiary of Setsuna's largess. He cuddled the kid close, more than willing to offer all the love and care he had to the boy. Steve sighed and there was a resigned note in his voice when spoke again, not loosening his hold.]
If you wanna smoke Setsuna, come to me, ok? I'll get a supply of cigarettes, ones I can at least try to vet, and you can have one there. I'm sure I can bribe Spike for some with a meal or two. I don't like it, but . . . but it is your life. If you wanna smoke . . .
[He couldn't help the slight sniffs, but he calmed quickly and snuggled into Steve's chest.]
It doesn't treat anyone fairly. [He could agree to that fully, usually. To Steve's generous offer, Setsuna shook his head.]
I'm good. [Because he already associated them with Kira and Katou, who were both dead, and now that look Steve had given him earlier. He wouldn't be able to get rid of it long enough to manage, not anytime soon.] I don't want them, not anymore.
If you're sure Setsuna? I promise I won't complain about you drinking. That should sweeten the deal hmm? And maybe you could invite Peter over for a little party sometime. I'd be sure to get the best liquor the hotel provides . . .
[It was absolutely a joke and he smiled at Setsuna, no little damp-eyed himself. He knew he'd played unfairly with a stacked deck. The kid was so used to being yelled at and left behind, he'd do anything to stop that happening. The fact that he'd manipulated Setsuna a little for his own good didn't make it right, and he had a feeling that sin was going to show up on his list sooner rather than later. But he'd been living with crushing guilt for years. What was a little more?]
I'm sure. [Setsuna gave Steve a dead serious, determined nod. He hadn't considered for a second Steve would manipulate him. He was just too happy everything seemed okay again.]
Food sounds good. [He reached for Steve's hand and gave it a squeeze, happy to do something where they were both happy again.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 01:30 am (UTC)I never thought about it before, how much going through all of that might mess up someone's mind. I've only been taken over by a couple of people, and forced to do stuff I didn't want to. I can only imagine if it was for a long time, and to kill like that. He probably needs a lot of time to heal. Be his own person again.
[He switches from sweet and concerned to frustrated quickly.]
It is mine. Give it back. [It only occurs to him after that his demanding tone is probably a bad idea. When Steve's upset fully registers in Setsuna's brain, he takes a deep breath and answers with a bit more respect in his own voice.]
Yes. I've been smoking. It's been me this whole time.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:02 am (UTC)The anger and the hurt in his eyes had to be obvious to Setsuna as he held the boy's gaze. Steve had never smoked before the serum simply because it would probably have killed him. Granted, he and Bucky had once or twice managed to steal a cigar or two to try, but it had made them both horribly sick. Actual smoking, however, had never been his thing. Even after the serum he hadn't bothered more than the occasional celebratory few puffs with his team. Back then, no one was told how damaging it was, or what their lives would be like years down the line. But to see his brother doing the same filthy thing that had done so much harm . . .]
[Steve did finally crush the cigarette, letting the dusty bits fall to the floor with a defiant gleam in his eye.]
I see. In that case, I suggest you reassess the situation. I won't let you kill yourself that way Setsuna. I'm like a bloodhound. I'll smell the damn things out if you every bring them near me, and I'll search your room too. I'll find any you try to hide. I'll make it so much work to smoke you won't have any choice but to give it up.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:14 am (UTC)I don't need a stalker! I barely even smoke! Certainly not enough to kill me. You're overreacting, Steve.
[Despite his own defiance, there was still a tremble to his bottom lip, and his eyes stayed open wide.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:31 am (UTC)Well then it's tough that you have one, isn't it? I won't let you poison yourself Setsuna. I won't let you develop a habit for those filthy things! Promise you won't smoke!
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:38 am (UTC)They're not a habit. And you can't watch me every waking moment, or know everything. I won't always be here, and you won't always be here, either.
That's a decision I have to make on my own. But... [But...that face. The thought that if he walked away like this, and this was the last conversation he had with Steve? Talking about Kira hit him in more ways than one.] But I'll stop, okay? I choose to. If puts you at ease.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:47 am (UTC)I know I won't always have you. I know it. Everyone leaves eventually one way or another. But I damn well want you for as long as I can have you. I need you Setsuna. I need you in my life, and I think you like being needed, hmm? I always wanted a younger brother, someone I could protect and teach and love. Someone I could share things with. I . . . I know they don't seem like a big deal, but what if someone poisoned them? What if this place drugged them? Any habit is dangerous Setsuna, even a once-in-a-while habit. Please. Please understand why I'm asking for this. Please . . .
Wrapping up?
Date: 2019-11-11 02:57 am (UTC)I'm sorry. [He cringed.] I didn't think of any of that.
[As for need, the only thing he can do is nod his head. He never considered that, or understood that might be why he was constantly drawn back to Steve - but he loved this, the feel of not just being needed, but wanted.] I-I do.... I like being needed. [He pulled back to look up at Steve.] And, I promise, I won't touch them anymore. I gave the rest of the carton away to Cain, anyway.
Yes! Go Us!
Date: 2019-11-11 03:04 am (UTC)[He gave a slight chuckle at the mention of Cain, not surprised in the least the man had been the beneficiary of Setsuna's largess. He cuddled the kid close, more than willing to offer all the love and care he had to the boy. Steve sighed and there was a resigned note in his voice when spoke again, not loosening his hold.]
If you wanna smoke Setsuna, come to me, ok? I'll get a supply of cigarettes, ones I can at least try to vet, and you can have one there. I'm sure I can bribe Spike for some with a meal or two. I don't like it, but . . . but it is your life. If you wanna smoke . . .
\o/ YES! Ending
Date: 2019-11-11 03:11 am (UTC)It doesn't treat anyone fairly. [He could agree to that fully, usually. To Steve's generous offer, Setsuna shook his head.]
I'm good. [Because he already associated them with Kira and Katou, who were both dead, and now that look Steve had given him earlier. He wouldn't be able to get rid of it long enough to manage, not anytime soon.] I don't want them, not anymore.
End!
Date: 2019-11-11 03:19 am (UTC)[It was absolutely a joke and he smiled at Setsuna, no little damp-eyed himself. He knew he'd played unfairly with a stacked deck. The kid was so used to being yelled at and left behind, he'd do anything to stop that happening. The fact that he'd manipulated Setsuna a little for his own good didn't make it right, and he had a feeling that sin was going to show up on his list sooner rather than later. But he'd been living with crushing guilt for years. What was a little more?]
Come on kiddo. Let's find some food.
Wrapping the End
Date: 2019-11-11 03:24 am (UTC)Food sounds good. [He reached for Steve's hand and gave it a squeeze, happy to do something where they were both happy again.]