Well, we'll make sure you live a really long time then! And . . . and after you're gone I . . . I guess I'll get to know Alexiel. I mean, at least I'll know it's still you, in some ways . . .
[The smile he offered was crooked as he bent to press his forehead to Setsuna's. Steve left it there while he thought over the kid's question, giving a soft huff of laughter. Who hadn't he lost?]
Everyone kid. I've lost everyone at some point. But I . . . I had a brother once. Not by blood, but he was as much my brother as he could be despite that. Or maybe because of it? Anyway, his name was Bucky. Er, James I guess actually. James Buchanan Barnes, but everyone called him Bucky. We'd know each other practically forever, lived a few houses apart, not that it ever mattered. We were always together, you know? Which house we were in made no difference. He was my best friend. He was everything, you know? Especially after my ma died . . .
[Steve would never mind talking about Bucky, but it did hurt. His eyes prickled with unshed tears, but he didn't want to cry all over poor Setsuna, especially when the kid shoved him for the little joke. It startled a laugh out of him and gave him an excuse to be sillier. Steve started to tickle the boy, eyes gleaming with laughter.]
Really big jerk huh? Lets see how big a jerk I can be! When's the last time you met the Tickle Monster?
I.... I don't know about that. With Kira and Lucifer- [He stops short, only for his throat to burn, again.] When I die, that's it.
[His throat continued to burn, but that isn't why his eyesight blurred over and tears started to fall. Just hearing Steve talk about Bucky, he put his hand to his heart and tried to refrain, but his tears turned to sobs and he had to hug Steve, tightly.]
[When he was a bit calmer he managed to whisper.] Me too. I lost my best friend, too. [He wiped his cheeks and spoke with a stronger voice.] Sakuya Kira. Kira...he.... He came back as Lucifer. Same face, same voice. [He can't quite look at Steve, but wants to share his pain in any way he can, even if it's just with hugs and stories.] But my best friend is gone. Because of that, I know when I die...it's not gonna be the same.
[The tickling took him completely off guard. He wasn't terribly ticklish, but it was enough he started to dissolve into laughter. In between, he had tried to shout out words while he squirmed with the attempt to get out of Steve's arms.]
STT-OOP! No one! Ever tri-! N-n-never! [He should have given up, but he kept trying to blurt the same useless words out.]
Even if it's all in my head, I won't stop trying to spend time with Setsuna. When it happens, if it happens, I'll stick around Alexiel. I promise. I won't leave my baby brother. Ever.
[He made a sound of protest when Setsuna started to cry, but he just clung to the boy when he burrowed closer. Steve hadn't meant to upset the kid! He rocked Setsuna a little as the boy cried, kissing Setsuna's hair while he mumbled soothing nothings, smiling at the boy when he finally looked up.]
Shh, it's ok. I didn't mean to make you cry sweetheart, and I absolutely didn't mean to make you remember such a sad thing. You wanna tell me more about Kira? I think you've mentioned him before. What did he look like? Did you two get into trouble together?
[He wanted to know. The potion made him more open as well, but Steve was actively ignoring the prompting for the most part. Setsuna seemed especially susceptible to it though. Steve knew he shouldn't push but . . .
He laughed along with the kid as he acted like a typical big brother, making Setsuna suffer and laugh until he almost peed. Because the kid should have at least a few good memories to cling to.]
...that's almost as sad as what Kira did. Following Alexiel's lives for as long as he did, looking for her in them. Even in me. Only, with you it would be the other way.
[As for Steve's comforting words, and soothing tone, Setsuna settled into it, even though he still couldn't help the tears. They were slower and at least he could speak, now.] It's not your fault. I couldn't help it when you talked about Bucky.
[Setsuna smiles, though it's a sad, hollow smile.] Losing him was really hard on me. Sounds like you and Bucky were friends longer, but I stayed with Kira a lot. It was better than being home by myself.
Bastard was abnormally tall for Japanese. Six-one. Slender. Brown hair down to his shoulders. He used to read all the time. But yeah.... He'd drag me out to skip school, especially if I was in a bad mood. Used to drag me off to parties all the time.
[He can't help the rambling, or the way his chest tightens every time Kira is brought back up. This time, he has to take a deep breath as he can picture Kira standing in front of him.] So...what was Bucky like?
[The tickling, though, Setsuna wasn't sure he could handle much more.]
Kn-knock it off! I-AHA!! Stop! I'll ha-AVE - to kick you!
[He hung his head. It wouldn't be the first time he'd done something stupidly pathetic. Torturing himself with visits to Peggy even though half the time she couldn't remember him. Touring the exhibit to gaze on the public face of his own life. Wandering the streets looking for familiar faces he knew he'd never see again . . . The idea of getting to know someone who could at least talk about Setsuna with him seemed pretty sane by comparison.]
I'm gonna live an awful long time Setsuna. To be honest, I'm gonna lose everyone eventually. If I end up following around an angel when remembers you like I do . . . At least we can remember you together. That's something.
[He sighed and cupped Setsuna's cheek, wishing he could take all that pain and unhappiness away. But he couldn't. The kid's life was so miserable, and somehow he still looked so happy! It was amazing!]
Bucky was . . . amazing. I was a shrimp when I was a kid. Sickly and skinny and washed out, and always getting beat up since I never could back down from a fight. Bucky was everything I always wanted to be. He was tall and handsome and strong. He was popular too, which always made me wonder why he bothered with me. He grew up to be a soldier you know? He was a war hero too even before we all got together. He . . . mn. I lost him during a mission. Literally. I just couldn't reach him and he . . . he fell . . .
[God it hurt! He could see the memory so clearly . . . Steve shut his eyes against the tears and took a moment, swallowing hard. Although he treasured those memories, they sure could cut.
Steve was breathless before he finally let the kid go, eyes sparkling at the way Setsuna was finally looking a little happier. It was just so cute!]
[Sounds like Steve and Kira could get on quite well, too. But, well, Lucifer....]
[He can't get himself to even speak hearing Steve's fate. He's already seen enough people to die, the thought of being aware as Alexiel, would be similar enough. Sympathetic, he presses his face into Steve's hand, then leans in to hug Steve tightly, again.]
[When Steve talks more about Bucky, Setsuna starts to cry again, but this time he starts to laugh, too.]
I wanted to be like Kira, too. I always looked up to him, because he was so laid-back and charming. He saved my ass a few times. I was always getting in fights. [He leans his head on Steve's shoulder and mildly smiles.] If it wasn't for him, I'd've been dead. Several times over.
Even I wondered why someone like that wasted time with me, when he was older, and it was clear I was just a hindrance to him, sometimes. [And then his smile fell completely.] He died protecting me.
[His voice drops to a near whisper as he turns to Steve's ear.] I'm so sorry, Steve. I don't think this conversation is easy for either of us.
[Setsuna sighs with relief. Instead of pushing away, he clings to Steve even more, once he's done tickling him.]
You know, I think I might like this Kira of yours. Although I wouldn't change a thing about you personally. Well, maybe have you be a little less reckless, but nothing else. And same for me. When were younger, Bucky got me out of so many fights where I'd've been dead otherwise, I lost count. And then on the field too . . .
[He hugged Setsuna tightly, understanding and offering the comfort of someone that really did get it. He spoke against the kid's hair, his own voice tight.]
So did Bucky. They were shooting at me, but it was him that fell . . . And I don't care if it hurts to talk Setsuna. I want someone else to know how great and brave my Bucky was, just like you want me to know your Kira. That makes it all worthwhile.
[Steve caught his breath, holding Setsuna against his chest, still chuckling.]
You were laughing. That makes it fun, not weird. You really never had someone play Tickle Monster with you? Not ever? I mean, I know it's usually done with little kids but . . . It's still fun.
And I would like Bucky. [He's completely certain of that. Someone protected Steve...that person was worth knowing on that alone.] I wish you could meet him...but.... [He didn't need to finish that. He was gone, that's all there was to it.]
[Setsuna settled into the warmth of Steve's arms as he held him, clinging back as he slowed his breathing and tried to keep the images from returning to his mind.] Again, I'm sorry, Steve. Bucky sounds like a pretty amazing person.
[As for ticking. Setsuna crossed his arms and managed a mock glare at Steve.] It was still weird! And no. No one ever did anything like that. [He goes a bit more somber.] My mother...didn't touch me nicely anymore after the accident we were in, when I was really little.
[Either it's all of the talk of Kira, the memories coming to the surface, his empathy for Steve and Bucky, or the memory of how empty his childhood was, Setsuna wanted to pull out that last cigarette of his. He pushed back from Steve just a little and pulled it out to stick it in his mouth.]
He's here. Bucky I mean. A version of him anyway. There was one on the island too, but he wasn't . . . He couldn't be with me. I'm not sure why, he never sat still long enough for me to ask. He just . . . kept running away. The one that's here isn't that same Bucky though. He's talked to me, a little. But it's not . . . not quite like . . . before . . .
[He sighed and shrugged, unable to go farther. It was so deeply confusing and complicated. It was easier to talk about the tickling, which Steve was starting to wonder about. Had it really been a good idea? He didn't know what else he could have done to try and cheer up the kid, especially when he started talking about his mother. That someone supposedly meant to love and care for him to be so cruel . . . Steve just couldn't understand how a person did that and he couldn't find words to help either.
Of course, the sudden appearance of a cigarette had Steve's full attention. He plucked it from Setsuna's fingers with a scowl, tempted to just crush it.]
[Setsuna perked up.] If he's here, can I meet him? But what do you mean not like before...? [He dampened to that, remembering when Lucifer appeared.] Is he okay?
[For Setsuna, it was easier to talk about tickling, too, but it was so hard to control where the conversation went, or what he blabbered and admitted to Steve. He didn't want to talk about his mother, either. There was a strange sense of relief when Steve didn't ask anything about her. Yeah, he'd rather be tickled.]
Hey! That's mine. [Setsuna started off sounding irate, but when he caught Steve's expression he did duck his head down, a little, and softened his tone.] I found a carton downstairs in the basement.
He is but . . . but I . . . mn. It's complicated kiddo. A lot of things happened to Bucky after I thought he was dead. It turns out he . . . he didn't die when he fell from the train. He got kidnapped by the enemy and experimented on and frozen. They turned him into a monster, an assassin, and they used him like a tool. For decades. He's . . . he's not the same man Setsuna. I think he's trying to be, but . . .
[Steve shrugged a little, too choked up to say more. It was the most he'd said to anyone, but Setsuna deserved to know. They already shared so much, he wanted to share everything.
He continued to hold the cigarette, although smashing it would have been ridiculously satisfying. He wasn't complete unreasonable, just mostly. Steve had smelled smoke on the boy before, but he'd chalked it up to a roommate or a friend, simply because he couldn't believe the kid could be so stupid. Everyone knew how dangerous it was!]
If you found it, it doesn't really sound much like it's yours Setsuna. And why did you take them in the first place? Don't tell me you actively smoke!? I know you don't do it often, you'd reek if you did, but I thought it was just a roommate or a friend . . . It's been you this whole time? Really?
[There was another strained, watery laugh of pained empathy from Setsuna.] You know...when Kira came back as Lucifer, I thought he had been turned, brainwashed, by the guy were were fighting against. That he was being used like that. He killed so many people. But in the end, he was just Lucifer. [Brief pause while Setsuna tries to set aside that pain. He reaches to hold Steve's hand.]
I never thought about it before, how much going through all of that might mess up someone's mind. I've only been taken over by a couple of people, and forced to do stuff I didn't want to. I can only imagine if it was for a long time, and to kill like that. He probably needs a lot of time to heal. Be his own person again.
[He switches from sweet and concerned to frustrated quickly.]
It is mine. Give it back. [It only occurs to him after that his demanding tone is probably a bad idea. When Steve's upset fully registers in Setsuna's brain, he takes a deep breath and answers with a bit more respect in his own voice.]
Yes. I've been smoking. It's been me this whole time.
[He just nodded. Steve had said all he could about Bucky for the moment. Anything else was beyond him. Steve squeezed the boy's hand, longing to pull him close again but fighting the urge. He'd have to let the kid go one day after all. Just because it made him feel better, like he was helping in some way, didn't mean he had the right to completely monopolize the kid's time.
The anger and the hurt in his eyes had to be obvious to Setsuna as he held the boy's gaze. Steve had never smoked before the serum simply because it would probably have killed him. Granted, he and Bucky had once or twice managed to steal a cigar or two to try, but it had made them both horribly sick. Actual smoking, however, had never been his thing. Even after the serum he hadn't bothered more than the occasional celebratory few puffs with his team. Back then, no one was told how damaging it was, or what their lives would be like years down the line. But to see his brother doing the same filthy thing that had done so much harm . . .]
[Steve did finally crush the cigarette, letting the dusty bits fall to the floor with a defiant gleam in his eye.]
I see. In that case, I suggest you reassess the situation. I won't let you kill yourself that way Setsuna. I'm like a bloodhound. I'll smell the damn things out if you every bring them near me, and I'll search your room too. I'll find any you try to hide. I'll make it so much work to smoke you won't have any choice but to give it up.
[Setsuna's breath caught, hung up on the look in Steve's eyes - he interpreted it as disappointment. His eyes widened at every word. And as much as some part of Setsuna wanted to just nod his head in agreement, while part of him knew it was the smart thing to do, he still got snippy. Even as tears filled his eyes, he tried to stand as tall as he could.]
I don't need a stalker! I barely even smoke! Certainly not enough to kill me. You're overreacting, Steve.
[Despite his own defiance, there was still a tremble to his bottom lip, and his eyes stayed open wide.]
[He saw the tears, and he also saw the courage. And he was overreacting. But he was so scared of Setsuna becoming dependent, cutting his already short life even shorter. What would happen if he leaned on them like the crutch they so often became? Steve forced himself to keep his hands away even though all he wanted was to apologize and make the fight as if it had never been.]
Well then it's tough that you have one, isn't it? I won't let you poison yourself Setsuna. I won't let you develop a habit for those filthy things! Promise you won't smoke!
[The worst part, to Setsuna, is how he almost wanted to just promise, especially if it means Steve no longer seemed mad at him. Any anger or snappiness to his demeanor and tone deflated, leaving him troubled, despite his words.]
They're not a habit. And you can't watch me every waking moment, or know everything. I won't always be here, and you won't always be here, either.
That's a decision I have to make on my own. But... [But...that face. The thought that if he walked away like this, and this was the last conversation he had with Steve? Talking about Kira hit him in more ways than one.] But I'll stop, okay? I choose to. If puts you at ease.
[The anger melted away leaving only worry and pain. Steve caught the boy and pulled him into a tight hug, voice strained and choked.]
I know I won't always have you. I know it. Everyone leaves eventually one way or another. But I damn well want you for as long as I can have you. I need you Setsuna. I need you in my life, and I think you like being needed, hmm? I always wanted a younger brother, someone I could protect and teach and love. Someone I could share things with. I . . . I know they don't seem like a big deal, but what if someone poisoned them? What if this place drugged them? Any habit is dangerous Setsuna, even a once-in-a-while habit. Please. Please understand why I'm asking for this. Please . . .
[Any of Setsuna's anger and frustration dissipated like water on a hot side-walk in summer. When Steve hugged him again, Setsuna broke into tears.]
I'm sorry. [He cringed.] I didn't think of any of that.
[As for need, the only thing he can do is nod his head. He never considered that, or understood that might be why he was constantly drawn back to Steve - but he loved this, the feel of not just being needed, but wanted.] I-I do.... I like being needed. [He pulled back to look up at Steve.] And, I promise, I won't touch them anymore. I gave the rest of the carton away to Cain, anyway.
Shhh . . . shh Setsuna! Don't cry! Please don't cry love! I know you didn't mean any harm, I know that! And I wouldn't expect you to think about drugs and poison. That's something I worry about. Normal people don't need to. It's just that this place . . . This place doesn't treat anyone fairly, especially someone like you. It's so cruel to you Setsuna . . .
[He gave a slight chuckle at the mention of Cain, not surprised in the least the man had been the beneficiary of Setsuna's largess. He cuddled the kid close, more than willing to offer all the love and care he had to the boy. Steve sighed and there was a resigned note in his voice when spoke again, not loosening his hold.]
If you wanna smoke Setsuna, come to me, ok? I'll get a supply of cigarettes, ones I can at least try to vet, and you can have one there. I'm sure I can bribe Spike for some with a meal or two. I don't like it, but . . . but it is your life. If you wanna smoke . . .
[He couldn't help the slight sniffs, but he calmed quickly and snuggled into Steve's chest.]
It doesn't treat anyone fairly. [He could agree to that fully, usually. To Steve's generous offer, Setsuna shook his head.]
I'm good. [Because he already associated them with Kira and Katou, who were both dead, and now that look Steve had given him earlier. He wouldn't be able to get rid of it long enough to manage, not anytime soon.] I don't want them, not anymore.
If you're sure Setsuna? I promise I won't complain about you drinking. That should sweeten the deal hmm? And maybe you could invite Peter over for a little party sometime. I'd be sure to get the best liquor the hotel provides . . .
[It was absolutely a joke and he smiled at Setsuna, no little damp-eyed himself. He knew he'd played unfairly with a stacked deck. The kid was so used to being yelled at and left behind, he'd do anything to stop that happening. The fact that he'd manipulated Setsuna a little for his own good didn't make it right, and he had a feeling that sin was going to show up on his list sooner rather than later. But he'd been living with crushing guilt for years. What was a little more?]
I'm sure. [Setsuna gave Steve a dead serious, determined nod. He hadn't considered for a second Steve would manipulate him. He was just too happy everything seemed okay again.]
Food sounds good. [He reached for Steve's hand and gave it a squeeze, happy to do something where they were both happy again.]
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2019-11-10 09:30 pm (UTC)[The smile he offered was crooked as he bent to press his forehead to Setsuna's. Steve left it there while he thought over the kid's question, giving a soft huff of laughter. Who hadn't he lost?]
Everyone kid. I've lost everyone at some point. But I . . . I had a brother once. Not by blood, but he was as much my brother as he could be despite that. Or maybe because of it? Anyway, his name was Bucky. Er, James I guess actually. James Buchanan Barnes, but everyone called him Bucky. We'd know each other practically forever, lived a few houses apart, not that it ever mattered. We were always together, you know? Which house we were in made no difference. He was my best friend. He was everything, you know? Especially after my ma died . . .
[Steve would never mind talking about Bucky, but it did hurt. His eyes prickled with unshed tears, but he didn't want to cry all over poor Setsuna, especially when the kid shoved him for the little joke. It startled a laugh out of him and gave him an excuse to be sillier. Steve started to tickle the boy, eyes gleaming with laughter.]
Really big jerk huh? Lets see how big a jerk I can be! When's the last time you met the Tickle Monster?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-10 10:02 pm (UTC)[His throat continued to burn, but that isn't why his eyesight blurred over and tears started to fall. Just hearing Steve talk about Bucky, he put his hand to his heart and tried to refrain, but his tears turned to sobs and he had to hug Steve, tightly.]
[When he was a bit calmer he managed to whisper.] Me too. I lost my best friend, too. [He wiped his cheeks and spoke with a stronger voice.] Sakuya Kira. Kira...he.... He came back as Lucifer. Same face, same voice. [He can't quite look at Steve, but wants to share his pain in any way he can, even if it's just with hugs and stories.] But my best friend is gone. Because of that, I know when I die...it's not gonna be the same.
[The tickling took him completely off guard. He wasn't terribly ticklish, but it was enough he started to dissolve into laughter. In between, he had tried to shout out words while he squirmed with the attempt to get out of Steve's arms.]
STT-OOP! No one! Ever tri-! N-n-never! [He should have given up, but he kept trying to blurt the same useless words out.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-10 10:32 pm (UTC)[He made a sound of protest when Setsuna started to cry, but he just clung to the boy when he burrowed closer. Steve hadn't meant to upset the kid! He rocked Setsuna a little as the boy cried, kissing Setsuna's hair while he mumbled soothing nothings, smiling at the boy when he finally looked up.]
Shh, it's ok. I didn't mean to make you cry sweetheart, and I absolutely didn't mean to make you remember such a sad thing. You wanna tell me more about Kira? I think you've mentioned him before. What did he look like? Did you two get into trouble together?
[He wanted to know. The potion made him more open as well, but Steve was actively ignoring the prompting for the most part. Setsuna seemed especially susceptible to it though. Steve knew he shouldn't push but . . .
He laughed along with the kid as he acted like a typical big brother, making Setsuna suffer and laugh until he almost peed. Because the kid should have at least a few good memories to cling to.]
Raaaaaaaaaaaarh! Tickle Monster! I'll never stop!
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Date: 2019-11-10 10:48 pm (UTC)[As for Steve's comforting words, and soothing tone, Setsuna settled into it, even though he still couldn't help the tears. They were slower and at least he could speak, now.] It's not your fault. I couldn't help it when you talked about Bucky.
[Setsuna smiles, though it's a sad, hollow smile.] Losing him was really hard on me. Sounds like you and Bucky were friends longer, but I stayed with Kira a lot. It was better than being home by myself.
Bastard was abnormally tall for Japanese. Six-one. Slender. Brown hair down to his shoulders. He used to read all the time. But yeah.... He'd drag me out to skip school, especially if I was in a bad mood. Used to drag me off to parties all the time.
[He can't help the rambling, or the way his chest tightens every time Kira is brought back up. This time, he has to take a deep breath as he can picture Kira standing in front of him.] So...what was Bucky like?
[The tickling, though, Setsuna wasn't sure he could handle much more.]
Kn-knock it off! I-AHA!! Stop! I'll ha-AVE - to kick you!
no subject
Date: 2019-11-10 11:17 pm (UTC)I'm gonna live an awful long time Setsuna. To be honest, I'm gonna lose everyone eventually. If I end up following around an angel when remembers you like I do . . . At least we can remember you together. That's something.
[He sighed and cupped Setsuna's cheek, wishing he could take all that pain and unhappiness away. But he couldn't. The kid's life was so miserable, and somehow he still looked so happy! It was amazing!]
Bucky was . . . amazing. I was a shrimp when I was a kid. Sickly and skinny and washed out, and always getting beat up since I never could back down from a fight. Bucky was everything I always wanted to be. He was tall and handsome and strong. He was popular too, which always made me wonder why he bothered with me. He grew up to be a soldier you know? He was a war hero too even before we all got together. He . . . mn. I lost him during a mission. Literally. I just couldn't reach him and he . . . he fell . . .
[God it hurt! He could see the memory so clearly . . . Steve shut his eyes against the tears and took a moment, swallowing hard. Although he treasured those memories, they sure could cut.
Steve was breathless before he finally let the kid go, eyes sparkling at the way Setsuna was finally looking a little happier. It was just so cute!]
Ok ok! I'll stop. But admit it. That was fun!
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Date: 2019-11-10 11:35 pm (UTC)[He can't get himself to even speak hearing Steve's fate. He's already seen enough people to die, the thought of being aware as Alexiel, would be similar enough. Sympathetic, he presses his face into Steve's hand, then leans in to hug Steve tightly, again.]
[When Steve talks more about Bucky, Setsuna starts to cry again, but this time he starts to laugh, too.]
I wanted to be like Kira, too. I always looked up to him, because he was so laid-back and charming. He saved my ass a few times. I was always getting in fights. [He leans his head on Steve's shoulder and mildly smiles.] If it wasn't for him, I'd've been dead. Several times over.
Even I wondered why someone like that wasted time with me, when he was older, and it was clear I was just a hindrance to him, sometimes. [And then his smile fell completely.] He died protecting me.
[His voice drops to a near whisper as he turns to Steve's ear.] I'm so sorry, Steve. I don't think this conversation is easy for either of us.
[Setsuna sighs with relief. Instead of pushing away, he clings to Steve even more, once he's done tickling him.]
It was not fun! It was weird!
no subject
Date: 2019-11-10 11:53 pm (UTC)[He hugged Setsuna tightly, understanding and offering the comfort of someone that really did get it. He spoke against the kid's hair, his own voice tight.]
So did Bucky. They were shooting at me, but it was him that fell . . . And I don't care if it hurts to talk Setsuna. I want someone else to know how great and brave my Bucky was, just like you want me to know your Kira. That makes it all worthwhile.
[Steve caught his breath, holding Setsuna against his chest, still chuckling.]
You were laughing. That makes it fun, not weird. You really never had someone play Tickle Monster with you? Not ever? I mean, I know it's usually done with little kids but . . . It's still fun.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 12:05 am (UTC)[Setsuna settled into the warmth of Steve's arms as he held him, clinging back as he slowed his breathing and tried to keep the images from returning to his mind.] Again, I'm sorry, Steve. Bucky sounds like a pretty amazing person.
[As for ticking. Setsuna crossed his arms and managed a mock glare at Steve.] It was still weird! And no. No one ever did anything like that. [He goes a bit more somber.] My mother...didn't touch me nicely anymore after the accident we were in, when I was really little.
[Either it's all of the talk of Kira, the memories coming to the surface, his empathy for Steve and Bucky, or the memory of how empty his childhood was, Setsuna wanted to pull out that last cigarette of his. He pushed back from Steve just a little and pulled it out to stick it in his mouth.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 12:29 am (UTC)[Steve was quiet for a little while, thinking.]
He's here. Bucky I mean. A version of him anyway. There was one on the island too, but he wasn't . . . He couldn't be with me. I'm not sure why, he never sat still long enough for me to ask. He just . . . kept running away. The one that's here isn't that same Bucky though. He's talked to me, a little. But it's not . . . not quite like . . . before . . .
[He sighed and shrugged, unable to go farther. It was so deeply confusing and complicated. It was easier to talk about the tickling, which Steve was starting to wonder about. Had it really been a good idea? He didn't know what else he could have done to try and cheer up the kid, especially when he started talking about his mother. That someone supposedly meant to love and care for him to be so cruel . . . Steve just couldn't understand how a person did that and he couldn't find words to help either.
Of course, the sudden appearance of a cigarette had Steve's full attention. He plucked it from Setsuna's fingers with a scowl, tempted to just crush it.]
Setsuna! Where did you get a cigarette from?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 12:38 am (UTC)[For Setsuna, it was easier to talk about tickling, too, but it was so hard to control where the conversation went, or what he blabbered and admitted to Steve. He didn't want to talk about his mother, either. There was a strange sense of relief when Steve didn't ask anything about her. Yeah, he'd rather be tickled.]
Hey! That's mine. [Setsuna started off sounding irate, but when he caught Steve's expression he did duck his head down, a little, and softened his tone.] I found a carton downstairs in the basement.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 01:05 am (UTC)[Steve shrugged a little, too choked up to say more. It was the most he'd said to anyone, but Setsuna deserved to know. They already shared so much, he wanted to share everything.
He continued to hold the cigarette, although smashing it would have been ridiculously satisfying. He wasn't complete unreasonable, just mostly. Steve had smelled smoke on the boy before, but he'd chalked it up to a roommate or a friend, simply because he couldn't believe the kid could be so stupid. Everyone knew how dangerous it was!]
If you found it, it doesn't really sound much like it's yours Setsuna. And why did you take them in the first place? Don't tell me you actively smoke!? I know you don't do it often, you'd reek if you did, but I thought it was just a roommate or a friend . . . It's been you this whole time? Really?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 01:30 am (UTC)I never thought about it before, how much going through all of that might mess up someone's mind. I've only been taken over by a couple of people, and forced to do stuff I didn't want to. I can only imagine if it was for a long time, and to kill like that. He probably needs a lot of time to heal. Be his own person again.
[He switches from sweet and concerned to frustrated quickly.]
It is mine. Give it back. [It only occurs to him after that his demanding tone is probably a bad idea. When Steve's upset fully registers in Setsuna's brain, he takes a deep breath and answers with a bit more respect in his own voice.]
Yes. I've been smoking. It's been me this whole time.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:02 am (UTC)The anger and the hurt in his eyes had to be obvious to Setsuna as he held the boy's gaze. Steve had never smoked before the serum simply because it would probably have killed him. Granted, he and Bucky had once or twice managed to steal a cigar or two to try, but it had made them both horribly sick. Actual smoking, however, had never been his thing. Even after the serum he hadn't bothered more than the occasional celebratory few puffs with his team. Back then, no one was told how damaging it was, or what their lives would be like years down the line. But to see his brother doing the same filthy thing that had done so much harm . . .]
[Steve did finally crush the cigarette, letting the dusty bits fall to the floor with a defiant gleam in his eye.]
I see. In that case, I suggest you reassess the situation. I won't let you kill yourself that way Setsuna. I'm like a bloodhound. I'll smell the damn things out if you every bring them near me, and I'll search your room too. I'll find any you try to hide. I'll make it so much work to smoke you won't have any choice but to give it up.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:14 am (UTC)I don't need a stalker! I barely even smoke! Certainly not enough to kill me. You're overreacting, Steve.
[Despite his own defiance, there was still a tremble to his bottom lip, and his eyes stayed open wide.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:31 am (UTC)Well then it's tough that you have one, isn't it? I won't let you poison yourself Setsuna. I won't let you develop a habit for those filthy things! Promise you won't smoke!
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:38 am (UTC)They're not a habit. And you can't watch me every waking moment, or know everything. I won't always be here, and you won't always be here, either.
That's a decision I have to make on my own. But... [But...that face. The thought that if he walked away like this, and this was the last conversation he had with Steve? Talking about Kira hit him in more ways than one.] But I'll stop, okay? I choose to. If puts you at ease.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:47 am (UTC)I know I won't always have you. I know it. Everyone leaves eventually one way or another. But I damn well want you for as long as I can have you. I need you Setsuna. I need you in my life, and I think you like being needed, hmm? I always wanted a younger brother, someone I could protect and teach and love. Someone I could share things with. I . . . I know they don't seem like a big deal, but what if someone poisoned them? What if this place drugged them? Any habit is dangerous Setsuna, even a once-in-a-while habit. Please. Please understand why I'm asking for this. Please . . .
Wrapping up?
Date: 2019-11-11 02:57 am (UTC)I'm sorry. [He cringed.] I didn't think of any of that.
[As for need, the only thing he can do is nod his head. He never considered that, or understood that might be why he was constantly drawn back to Steve - but he loved this, the feel of not just being needed, but wanted.] I-I do.... I like being needed. [He pulled back to look up at Steve.] And, I promise, I won't touch them anymore. I gave the rest of the carton away to Cain, anyway.
Yes! Go Us!
Date: 2019-11-11 03:04 am (UTC)[He gave a slight chuckle at the mention of Cain, not surprised in the least the man had been the beneficiary of Setsuna's largess. He cuddled the kid close, more than willing to offer all the love and care he had to the boy. Steve sighed and there was a resigned note in his voice when spoke again, not loosening his hold.]
If you wanna smoke Setsuna, come to me, ok? I'll get a supply of cigarettes, ones I can at least try to vet, and you can have one there. I'm sure I can bribe Spike for some with a meal or two. I don't like it, but . . . but it is your life. If you wanna smoke . . .
\o/ YES! Ending
Date: 2019-11-11 03:11 am (UTC)It doesn't treat anyone fairly. [He could agree to that fully, usually. To Steve's generous offer, Setsuna shook his head.]
I'm good. [Because he already associated them with Kira and Katou, who were both dead, and now that look Steve had given him earlier. He wouldn't be able to get rid of it long enough to manage, not anytime soon.] I don't want them, not anymore.
End!
Date: 2019-11-11 03:19 am (UTC)[It was absolutely a joke and he smiled at Setsuna, no little damp-eyed himself. He knew he'd played unfairly with a stacked deck. The kid was so used to being yelled at and left behind, he'd do anything to stop that happening. The fact that he'd manipulated Setsuna a little for his own good didn't make it right, and he had a feeling that sin was going to show up on his list sooner rather than later. But he'd been living with crushing guilt for years. What was a little more?]
Come on kiddo. Let's find some food.
Wrapping the End
Date: 2019-11-11 03:24 am (UTC)Food sounds good. [He reached for Steve's hand and gave it a squeeze, happy to do something where they were both happy again.]