Then I won't let them find out! [Bucky's voice rose on that one, frustration building.]
Why can't you at least let me try? [Because Steve sounded like he spoke from experience, and if that was the case, Bucky can't allow him to get caught again.]
[Steve spun away and put a few steps between them, hands opening and closing as he trembled with the need to destroy something. He didn't, but it was a real battle. The anger and the fear were overwhelming and he had to get a grip.]
I can't lose you Buck! I can't go through that again! I can't watch someone I love get tortured! I can't lose you!
[Steve's reaction should have been indication Bucky should keep his distance, but instead, he walked to close the distance between them.]
I'm not going to get caught and tortured. You're not going to lose me.
[At least if Bucky was tortured, he would still be alive. Telling Steve had clearly been a mistake. And all he wanted to do was inform Steve, tell him, not shut him out.]
[Feeling the man close in on him made Steve whip around, backing up into the wall to keep his distance.]
They caught me Bucky! They caught me and hurt me and I still have nightmares and flashbacks! They hurt so many people . . . They'll hurt you too dammit! You think I wanna see that? You think I want you to know what that's like up close and personal? I know you wanna help but it's too dangerous!
"No!" Steve slashed his arm through the arm, not aiming to hit Bucky, just unable to stay still, "Dammit Buck no!" His eyes were pleading, voice broken.
"Haven't we been through enough!? Haven't we fought and lost more than most people? Don't we deserve a little happiness!?" He shook his head, "I know this is hell and all we do is suffer, but you're here! You're here and I can touch you!" Steve reached for Bucky, tears in his eyes, "Don't we deserve to be just a little selfish? Just once?"
Bucky worried his bottom lip, sucked it in and bit on it while Steve talked. A pained look flickered across his face.
"Of course we do. You, above everyone, deserve to be selfish," he promised Steve, reaching out to take his face in his hands.
"But I can't.... I can't just stand by and watch things happen when I might be able to do something about it." There was a pained note in Bucky's voice, something tight and uncomfortable. "I feel like you used to get that. You of all people should know what that's like."
He wasn't sure when they diverged from that path, but he can't go down that direction, not when it could endanger everyone he cares about, and especially Steve. To protect him, to keep him safe, Bucky would be whatever he has to be.
He turned his face into Bucky's hands, kissing the man's palms as he fought tears, "I wanna help people too Buck, but not like this. Not where you risk everything. It's not like what we normally do! They don't wanna fight, they wanna take prisoners. It's not a straight forward battle!"
Steve didn't want anyone to suffer, but he couldn't stand the idea of Bucky getting caught and tortured. He'd lose his mind and then everyone would be at risk. Why couldn't the man understand that? "There's other things we can do Buck! So many other ways to help!"
Bucky was, without fail, far more direct. This is exactly the sort of operation that he's weak at, but it didn't matter. He hated to see Steve so upset, so worried, but he couldn't just give up, either.
"This is the only way I can help right now, Steve. Please."
Dissolving into tears sounded really good at the moment, but he didn't. He fisted his hands in the man's shirt, hanging on tight as he buried his face in Bucky's shoulder. It was a long moment before he managed to find his voice.
"I can't stop you. I can plead with you, but I can't stop you." He lifted his head to meet Bucky;s eyes, "Come back to me. Promise. Promise you'll come back."
He almost laughed, a little of the anguish lifting from his eyes, "Yeah, but you don't always remember me. Try not to forget again, ok? And call me Buck. If you need an out, call me. I'll be there in a heartbeat."
Steve didn't try to avoid Bucky's mouth, though for a moment her was stiff. Then he was pulled Bucky close and kissing back hard. When they broke apart he had tears in his eyes, but Steve didn't plan to let them fall.
"Just come back to me. I can't lose you again." He would never agree that Bucky should be the one playing spy, but he also wouldn't try to tie the man to a chair, which he knew wouldn't work. If he didn't have so many problems with everything related to the Order, Steve would be out there doing the same thing. But he couldn't be objective and he knew he'd never be able to pull anything off. He'd never forgive himself if Bucky got hurt though.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-07-28 01:35 am (UTC)Why can't you at least let me try? [Because Steve sounded like he spoke from experience, and if that was the case, Bucky can't allow him to get caught again.]
Better me than you, again!
no subject
Date: 2023-07-30 11:37 pm (UTC)[Steve spun away and put a few steps between them, hands opening and closing as he trembled with the need to destroy something. He didn't, but it was a real battle. The anger and the fear were overwhelming and he had to get a grip.]
I can't lose you Buck! I can't go through that again! I can't watch someone I love get tortured! I can't lose you!
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 12:17 am (UTC)I'm not going to get caught and tortured. You're not going to lose me.
[At least if Bucky was tortured, he would still be alive. Telling Steve had clearly been a mistake. And all he wanted to do was inform Steve, tell him, not shut him out.]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 12:51 am (UTC)They caught me Bucky! They caught me and hurt me and I still have nightmares and flashbacks! They hurt so many people . . . They'll hurt you too dammit! You think I wanna see that? You think I want you to know what that's like up close and personal? I know you wanna help but it's too dangerous!
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 02:26 am (UTC)"Don't I have every right to make sure I give them back what they gave you." It wasn't really a question.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 02:49 am (UTC)"Haven't we been through enough!? Haven't we fought and lost more than most people? Don't we deserve a little happiness!?" He shook his head, "I know this is hell and all we do is suffer, but you're here! You're here and I can touch you!" Steve reached for Bucky, tears in his eyes, "Don't we deserve to be just a little selfish? Just once?"
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 05:51 pm (UTC)"Of course we do. You, above everyone, deserve to be selfish," he promised Steve, reaching out to take his face in his hands.
"But I can't.... I can't just stand by and watch things happen when I might be able to do something about it." There was a pained note in Bucky's voice, something tight and uncomfortable. "I feel like you used to get that. You of all people should know what that's like."
He wasn't sure when they diverged from that path, but he can't go down that direction, not when it could endanger everyone he cares about, and especially Steve. To protect him, to keep him safe, Bucky would be whatever he has to be.
"Steve, please, let me do this?"
no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 09:48 pm (UTC)Steve didn't want anyone to suffer, but he couldn't stand the idea of Bucky getting caught and tortured. He'd lose his mind and then everyone would be at risk. Why couldn't the man understand that? "There's other things we can do Buck! So many other ways to help!"
no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 10:40 pm (UTC)"This is the only way I can help right now, Steve. Please."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 10:51 pm (UTC)"I can't stop you. I can plead with you, but I can't stop you." He lifted his head to meet Bucky;s eyes, "Come back to me. Promise. Promise you'll come back."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 11:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 11:37 pm (UTC)Wrap?
Date: 2023-08-07 12:00 am (UTC)"I will." So he said. The chance Bucky would put Steve into the same danger he was in, not very likely.
He leaned in to take a kiss, if Steve would allow it.
yup!
Date: 2023-08-07 12:23 am (UTC)"Just come back to me. I can't lose you again." He would never agree that Bucky should be the one playing spy, but he also wouldn't try to tie the man to a chair, which he knew wouldn't work. If he didn't have so many problems with everything related to the Order, Steve would be out there doing the same thing. But he couldn't be objective and he knew he'd never be able to pull anything off. He'd never forgive himself if Bucky got hurt though.