I'm sorry for that. I don't mean to make you feel that way. Can you tell me what it is you want? That's a good way to start, right?
[He'd finally eaten all he could and pushed his bowl aside, devoting all his attention to Yoon. The last thing he wanted to do was say what he wanted because he had a feeling that Yoon would just agree with anything he said, and that wouldn't help the boy feel secure and heard.]
[ He fidgets. Folding and unfolding his arms, plucking at the rim of his shirt, shifting in his chair. It's true that he doesn't know what to say, but is that really an answer? Maybe if he just -- lays it all out on the table, the other man would understand?.. He sighs, glancing up at Steve and then at the table in front of him again. ]
I-I really like you. And I really like being friends. A-and I'm afraid I'll mess up what we have... but... [ His cheeks are turning red. ] But I also... want you...
[ His arms are folded again, pressed up so hard against him his knuckles are almost white. He's so scared, or maybe embarrassed, or maybe both, but he's still talking, still trying to make his heart known. ]
I want to be able to-- touch you w-without worrying what's "appropriate"... [ He finally looks up again, searching Steve's face. His expression is so worried, so fragile, a single rejection could probably shatter him. ] But I also don't-- I don't want you to pity me, or-- or feel like you need to do something you... don't want.
[ He takes a deep breath. ]
You said, before, that there's-- many people you love... I-I thought about it, and I'm-- okay with that...
[ Mostly because he's realized he's much in the same boat here, but it might take him a moment to admit it. He still thinks, for some reason, that Steve would not be okay with it. ]
[Steve watched and listened, offering a reassuring smile any time Yoon glanced up at him. It was what he'd expected the kid to say, and he was proud of Yoon for finally finding the nerve, but he did wince at the last part. He leaned on the table, holding out a hand for one of Yoon's]
I want that too Yoon. I want to be closer. I want you to feel confident about touching me, about asking or showing me what you need. And I'm sorry about this place. Back home . . . back home things aren't so complicated. Being with just one person would be easy there. Here . . . I don't want to hurt you Yoon. So I won't lie. You wouldn't be the only one I care about, but I'd never talk about someone else with you.
[ It definitely helps, those receptive expressions, even if Bum still kind of feels like he wants to sink through the floor and disappear, somehow still anticipating rejection even though Steve had assured him multiple times it wasn't the case. He just... wasn't used to being assertive about anything, so actually having to speak his mind... well, it's terrifying. And embarrassing. But he wants this so badly. ]
[ He bites his lip and nods slowly. ]
I-- I know that. I had... someone... back home, too. [ Not someone good, exactly, but someone he wanted to stay faithful to. Here, though... Is it really so terrible if he wants to have something he can look forward to in this awful place? If he wants as much of it as he can get? ] And-- I met nice people here... [ He probably doesn't need to go into much detail there. Steve is one such person... and he wants to tell him about another one, but he's scared he might not like it, and things are going so well right now. ] What-- what I'm saying is, I understand... and it's okay...
[Steve continued to hold out his hand, waiting for Yoon to have the nerve to take it. He smiled at the boy, nodding a little.]
Did you? Someone you cared about? What were they like Yoon? What did you like best about them?
[He wasn't trying to pry, but Steve longed to know more about the boy. Nice things preferably. He knew too much about the horror poor Yoon had had to endure.]
[ He hadn't even noticed it at first, but at those questions, his gaze darts down to the table again and he finally realizes the quiet offer. He exhales shakily and sneaks one hand into Steve's, though still not looking at him. ]
[ It's... complicated. Yes, there were things about Sangwoo that he deeply cherished, but did it make up for all the darkness? A while ago, he would be unsure. Now, he can firmly say that no, it did not. It did not at all, Bum did not deserve what happened to him. ]
[ But... he doesn't know if he wants to open up to Steve that much just yet. And it's really difficult to separate the good and the bad for anything else. ]
Y-yeah... [ He thinks, considers, swallows. ] He-- wasn't a good person, but... he was the only one who ever stood up for me... and... he was kind...
[ When he wasn't trying to kill him, anyway. He can probably skip that part. Right? ]
[Steve's smile warmed a few degrees as he closed his hand around Yoon's small one and gave it a gentle squeeze. Physical connections really were everything to him.]
Sometimes we fall for the wrong people. It's nothing to be ashamed of Yoon. Very few people are all good or all bad. Most of us have lots of both, and finding the good in someone is a blessing, especially when most other people would only see the bad.
[His thumb stroked over the back of Yoon's hand slowly, over and over.]
I'm a little jealous. I never had the chance to do the relationship thing back home. The few long-term things I've tried since leaving have been . . . awkward. At best.
[ He smiles back shyly, turning his hand a little so he can close his fingers around Steve's hand in return. The man's words are comforting but he has to wonder, just how far would his understanding really go. ]
[ What would he think if Bum confessed that he was finding the good in a serial killer who routinely abused him? Would he think less of him? Would he be horrified? Judgemental? Pitying? Would he still want anything to do with him? ]
I... I guess...
[ No, he doesn't need to know the whole story. Not yet. Not until it's pried out of him like several things so far have been. ]
[ He raises his face to look at Steve in surprise when he admits he never had a relationship at home, though. How was that possible? He was such a catch in all meanings of the word. ]
Really? [ He even forgets to stutter, so floored by that revelation. ] Never?
[Steve knew Yoon was holding back, the kid always did. But so did he. When the boy was ready, he'd speak up. Until then, Steve would take the crumbs he could get.]
Really really. I think I've mentioned I didn't always look like this? Back before the serum no one wanted me because I was five breaths away from dying. After the serum, everyone wanted me, but I didn't want something casual and meaningless. There was a lady once, someone who saw me before the serum, but I ended up in the ice before we could see where it would go.
[He sighed with a soft smile.]
When I woke up, it was like starting all over again, but with the worst handicap ever. I never really felt at home, you know?
...I see. [ He looks down, smiling sadly. It's not a problem he can relate to, but he certainly understands. ] You couldn't know i-if they were genuine... afterwards... right?..
[ It honestly sounds like the opposite of a problem to him, being wanted by everybody. But he supposes it could get pretty lonely if you wanted someone to like you for you. Maybe Sangwoo felt that way too. He squeezes Steve's hand a little. ]
I'm sorry you lost her...
[ He had planned to maybe crown this whole confession thing with a kiss, but right now, the mood seems to be taking a nosedive, and he's not sure if it would be appreciated as a distraction. ]
[He gave the kid's hand another squeeze. Steve wasn't upset by talking about the past. It gave him a twinge now and then, but it wasn't horribly painful.]
I am too. Apparently one of my iterations went back in time and married her. I can't say I really approve of that though. I can understand it, but I don't think he should have taken advantage like that.
[Steve's smile was rueful. He couldn't imagine abandoning his world like that, leaving everyone to just muddle through when having him there might have made a difference? And to deprive Peggy of a real and fulfilling life with someone she loved? No. That had been the most selfish thing that Steve could possibly do. He squeezed Yoon's hand again.]
Lonely. I always want more time with people than I can get, so I'm always a little lonely. But I have a lot of friends now, and that helps. What about you? Are you adjusting ok?
[ They're just going to continue communicating in hand squishes, it seems like. Bum doesn't mind. It serves as a nice reminder that he's there. He smiles a little awkwardly; it's probably meant to be reassuring. ]
Well... all is fair in love, right?..
[ He has no judgement for that other Steve. If he was in that situation, he probably would have done the same thing. But his Steve does not look too happy about it, so he'll do his best to support him however he needs it. ]
Y-yeah, I'm... doing better. [ He sighs, looks away, then back to Steve hopefully. It's now or never. ] I... I also made a new friend! [ The bubbliness just breaks through without him intending it to; he's clearly excited, both about the fact and to share the news with Steve. He'd never thought he'd be capable of something like this! ] Her name is Monika, and s-she runs the book club... we had a lot of-- similar favorites. And-- she saved me on the boat on the w-way back here...
[He looked thoughtful. He'd put days worth of thought into things after he learned what that Steve had done. It was bad enough to deprive Peggy of a different life, but he'd allowed the world to suffer when he might have made a difference. That was truly unforgivable.]
Once I would have said yes, but I just don't agree with him. I mean, he went back in time, but he didn't help, he just lived like a normal person. He was in hiding. He let all those terrible things happen, and did nothing to stop them. That's the biggest issue I have with what he did.
[That other Steve could have done almost anything other than the nothing that he apparently chose. Even if he wanted to give up, he could have given Howard the right coordinates to find the version of him asleep in the ice. Then there would have been a Steve. But that hadn't happened.
Steve grinned at the kid.]
That's wonderful! I'm so happy you have a new friend Yoon! And of course it's ok with me! She sounds lovely.
Oh. [ He doesn't know all the details, but he can put two and two together from history classes and everything Steve had told him before. All the bad things that were happening, the battles Steve fought, the reason he ended up frozen in ice. To know that another version of you was there and let it all happen anyway... ] I'm sorry...
[ He wants to distract him, to cheer him up, but he's not sure how. ]
O-oh! I'm glad! [ He's not sure if he has the words to explain exactly why he was worried, and if he did, he's not sure he wants to. Steve is fine with it! That's what matters! ]
[ ...in fact, he's going to celebrate that by scooting closer. And closer. And closer, until their arms are practically touching, before glancing briefly at the empty plate in front of the other man. ]
It's ok. I won't make those choices even if I do go back home.
[He just gave Yoon a soft smile. It was all a moot point for him. He wouldn't make that choice. He didn't plan to make any of the same choices those other Steve's had. He saw things differently.
Steve watched the boy slide closer with an indulgent expression. The last thing he was going to complain about was being closer.]
Yeah. I think if had another bite I'd explode. Did you have something in mind?
[ He reaches out to stroke the man's arm comfortingly. He doesn't answer the question that follows, though, just sort of nods, a hint of apprehension. ]
[ And then he carefully lifts himself off his chair so he can straddle Steve's instead, holding eye contact all the while but pausing once their lips are close enough to feel a ghost of a nervous breath coming through. ]
[His eyes slowly got wider as Yoon moved to straddle his lap, but he didn't make any moves to stop the boy. When he stopped they were close enough to kiss, but he continued to stare into Yoon's eyes, hands braced on the table just in case.]
As long as you're happy, I'm not going to be complaining to have you close Yoon. Even with all that stew in you, I can barely feel your weight on my lap. You can relax on me if you want. You'll never be too heavy.
[ He looks a little flustered. He's glad that Steve isn't stopping him, but also, being close is not the only reason he's doing this! Did he really think that maybe-confession would be the end of it without getting properly commemorated? ]
[ And so... he leans forward, closing the rest of that miniscule space between them, and presses his lips to Steve's. It's soft, somewhat chaste even, but an unmistakeable kiss rather than a friendly peck, especially with how long he holds it, hands on the other man's shoulders. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-02-27 03:26 am (UTC)[He'd finally eaten all he could and pushed his bowl aside, devoting all his attention to Yoon. The last thing he wanted to do was say what he wanted because he had a feeling that Yoon would just agree with anything he said, and that wouldn't help the boy feel secure and heard.]
this is what you get for being nice to him Steve,
Date: 2023-03-01 12:01 am (UTC)[ He fidgets. Folding and unfolding his arms, plucking at the rim of his shirt, shifting in his chair. It's true that he doesn't know what to say, but is that really an answer? Maybe if he just -- lays it all out on the table, the other man would understand?.. He sighs, glancing up at Steve and then at the table in front of him again. ]
I-I really like you. And I really like being friends. A-and I'm afraid I'll mess up what we have... but... [ His cheeks are turning red. ] But I also... want you...
[ His arms are folded again, pressed up so hard against him his knuckles are almost white. He's so scared, or maybe embarrassed, or maybe both, but he's still talking, still trying to make his heart known. ]
I want to be able to-- touch you w-without worrying what's "appropriate"... [ He finally looks up again, searching Steve's face. His expression is so worried, so fragile, a single rejection could probably shatter him. ] But I also don't-- I don't want you to pity me, or-- or feel like you need to do something you... don't want.
[ He takes a deep breath. ]
You said, before, that there's-- many people you love... I-I thought about it, and I'm-- okay with that...
[ Mostly because he's realized he's much in the same boat here, but it might take him a moment to admit it. He still thinks, for some reason, that Steve would not be okay with it. ]
like he plans to leave XD
Date: 2023-03-12 03:01 am (UTC)I want that too Yoon. I want to be closer. I want you to feel confident about touching me, about asking or showing me what you need. And I'm sorry about this place. Back home . . . back home things aren't so complicated. Being with just one person would be easy there. Here . . . I don't want to hurt you Yoon. So I won't lie. You wouldn't be the only one I care about, but I'd never talk about someone else with you.
well good then!
Date: 2023-03-13 04:05 pm (UTC)[ He bites his lip and nods slowly. ]
I-- I know that. I had... someone... back home, too. [ Not someone good, exactly, but someone he wanted to stay faithful to. Here, though... Is it really so terrible if he wants to have something he can look forward to in this awful place? If he wants as much of it as he can get? ] And-- I met nice people here... [ He probably doesn't need to go into much detail there. Steve is one such person... and he wants to tell him about another one, but he's scared he might not like it, and things are going so well right now. ] What-- what I'm saying is, I understand... and it's okay...
no subject
Date: 2023-03-19 09:13 am (UTC)Did you? Someone you cared about? What were they like Yoon? What did you like best about them?
[He wasn't trying to pry, but Steve longed to know more about the boy. Nice things preferably. He knew too much about the horror poor Yoon had had to endure.]
no subject
Date: 2023-03-19 04:49 pm (UTC)[ It's... complicated. Yes, there were things about Sangwoo that he deeply cherished, but did it make up for all the darkness? A while ago, he would be unsure. Now, he can firmly say that no, it did not. It did not at all, Bum did not deserve what happened to him. ]
[ But... he doesn't know if he wants to open up to Steve that much just yet. And it's really difficult to separate the good and the bad for anything else. ]
Y-yeah... [ He thinks, considers, swallows. ] He-- wasn't a good person, but... he was the only one who ever stood up for me... and... he was kind...
[ When he wasn't trying to kill him, anyway. He can probably skip that part. Right? ]
no subject
Date: 2023-03-19 08:42 pm (UTC)Sometimes we fall for the wrong people. It's nothing to be ashamed of Yoon. Very few people are all good or all bad. Most of us have lots of both, and finding the good in someone is a blessing, especially when most other people would only see the bad.
[His thumb stroked over the back of Yoon's hand slowly, over and over.]
I'm a little jealous. I never had the chance to do the relationship thing back home. The few long-term things I've tried since leaving have been . . . awkward. At best.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-19 09:43 pm (UTC)[ What would he think if Bum confessed that he was finding the good in a serial killer who routinely abused him? Would he think less of him? Would he be horrified? Judgemental? Pitying? Would he still want anything to do with him? ]
I... I guess...
[ No, he doesn't need to know the whole story. Not yet. Not until it's pried out of him like several things so far have been. ]
[ He raises his face to look at Steve in surprise when he admits he never had a relationship at home, though. How was that possible? He was such a catch in all meanings of the word. ]
Really? [ He even forgets to stutter, so floored by that revelation. ] Never?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-19 10:08 pm (UTC)Really really. I think I've mentioned I didn't always look like this? Back before the serum no one wanted me because I was five breaths away from dying. After the serum, everyone wanted me, but I didn't want something casual and meaningless. There was a lady once, someone who saw me before the serum, but I ended up in the ice before we could see where it would go.
[He sighed with a soft smile.]
When I woke up, it was like starting all over again, but with the worst handicap ever. I never really felt at home, you know?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-19 10:27 pm (UTC)[ It honestly sounds like the opposite of a problem to him, being wanted by everybody. But he supposes it could get pretty lonely if you wanted someone to like you for you. Maybe Sangwoo felt that way too. He squeezes Steve's hand a little. ]
I'm sorry you lost her...
[ He had planned to maybe crown this whole confession thing with a kiss, but right now, the mood seems to be taking a nosedive, and he's not sure if it would be appreciated as a distraction. ]
How... how do you feel now?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-19 10:57 pm (UTC)[He gave the kid's hand another squeeze. Steve wasn't upset by talking about the past. It gave him a twinge now and then, but it wasn't horribly painful.]
I am too. Apparently one of my iterations went back in time and married her. I can't say I really approve of that though. I can understand it, but I don't think he should have taken advantage like that.
[Steve's smile was rueful. He couldn't imagine abandoning his world like that, leaving everyone to just muddle through when having him there might have made a difference? And to deprive Peggy of a real and fulfilling life with someone she loved? No. That had been the most selfish thing that Steve could possibly do. He squeezed Yoon's hand again.]
Lonely. I always want more time with people than I can get, so I'm always a little lonely. But I have a lot of friends now, and that helps. What about you? Are you adjusting ok?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-19 11:15 pm (UTC)Well... all is fair in love, right?..
[ He has no judgement for that other Steve. If he was in that situation, he probably would have done the same thing. But his Steve does not look too happy about it, so he'll do his best to support him however he needs it. ]
Y-yeah, I'm... doing better. [ He sighs, looks away, then back to Steve hopefully. It's now or never. ] I... I also made a new friend! [ The bubbliness just breaks through without him intending it to; he's clearly excited, both about the fact and to share the news with Steve. He'd never thought he'd be capable of something like this! ] Her name is Monika, and s-she runs the book club... we had a lot of-- similar favorites. And-- she saved me on the boat on the w-way back here...
[ Then he suddenly looks worried. ]
Is... is that okay with you?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-26 11:54 pm (UTC)Once I would have said yes, but I just don't agree with him. I mean, he went back in time, but he didn't help, he just lived like a normal person. He was in hiding. He let all those terrible things happen, and did nothing to stop them. That's the biggest issue I have with what he did.
[That other Steve could have done almost anything other than the nothing that he apparently chose. Even if he wanted to give up, he could have given Howard the right coordinates to find the version of him asleep in the ice. Then there would have been a Steve. But that hadn't happened.
Steve grinned at the kid.]
That's wonderful! I'm so happy you have a new friend Yoon! And of course it's ok with me! She sounds lovely.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-27 12:39 am (UTC)[ He wants to distract him, to cheer him up, but he's not sure how. ]
O-oh! I'm glad! [ He's not sure if he has the words to explain exactly why he was worried, and if he did, he's not sure he wants to. Steve is fine with it! That's what matters! ]
[ ...in fact, he's going to celebrate that by scooting closer. And closer. And closer, until their arms are practically touching, before glancing briefly at the empty plate in front of the other man. ]
Um... you're done eating now, right?..
no subject
Date: 2023-03-27 12:53 am (UTC)[He just gave Yoon a soft smile. It was all a moot point for him. He wouldn't make that choice. He didn't plan to make any of the same choices those other Steve's had. He saw things differently.
Steve watched the boy slide closer with an indulgent expression. The last thing he was going to complain about was being closer.]
Yeah. I think if had another bite I'd explode. Did you have something in mind?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-27 01:20 am (UTC)[ He reaches out to stroke the man's arm comfortingly. He doesn't answer the question that follows, though, just sort of nods, a hint of apprehension. ]
[ And then he carefully lifts himself off his chair so he can straddle Steve's instead, holding eye contact all the while but pausing once their lips are close enough to feel a ghost of a nervous breath coming through. ]
I-is... is this okay?..
no subject
Date: 2023-03-27 02:11 am (UTC)As long as you're happy, I'm not going to be complaining to have you close Yoon. Even with all that stew in you, I can barely feel your weight on my lap. You can relax on me if you want. You'll never be too heavy.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-27 11:09 am (UTC)[ And so... he leans forward, closing the rest of that miniscule space between them, and presses his lips to Steve's. It's soft, somewhat chaste even, but an unmistakeable kiss rather than a friendly peck, especially with how long he holds it, hands on the other man's shoulders. ]
[ Was this okay, too? He was about to find out. ]