I know. [He knew, but it was hard to follow through on. He didn't like to pry. After all if there were thing Steve kept back it was possible because it was too painful, too difficult to talk about.
And Suzaku knew that feeling very well.]
Is Bucky alright? [It wasn't quite the question that he wanted to ask but it was close, a stepping stone.]
[Steve paused and then finished serving them both.]
I assume he's fine. I mean, in general. There doesn't seem to be a disaster in progress at the moment, so it's pretty safe to assume he's healthy. But I'm guessing that's not really what you mean?
[He sighed and poked at his food.]
It's complicated. I make it complicated. I also make it awkward. I'm . . . I'm kind of a problem, but I'm trying to do better. It really is all my fault.
[It wasn't really what he meant no, and he was already regretting asking the question. He hadn't meant to pry, if this was something Steve didn't want to talk about.
But at the words he frowned, looking at his plate for a moment.] You're not a problem. I doubt it is all your fault.
[Steve was strangely nice, and he could see why someone like Bucky would struggle with that, same as Suzaku himself did. But that wasn't exactly something bad, something Steve should feel guilt for.]
[Steve gave a soft huff of a laugh and actually took a bite of food.]
No, it's pretty much all me. And it really is complicated, from my side. And Bucky's just not the type to push, especially when he sees I'm struggling with something. I need to talk more to him, but half the time I don't even really know the problem . . .
[He sighed. Steve was doing better with that. And they had talked and cleared some things up, he just wasn't sure he'd gone far enough. Not that Suzaku was in any way to blame! He looked up at the boy with a sheepish smile.]
Sorry. That still doesn't explain a damn thing. Just know it's nothing you've ever done or could do. And I'm sure Bucky likes you just fine. He's such a sweetheart, just like you.
[Steve really has a unique way of seeing people. Suzaku would not call Bucky a sweetheart. He was kind, he was similar to Steve in that and he was loyal. But sweetheart?
Suzaku definitely wouldn't consider himself such either.]
You don't have to explain. But if you... If you ever want to talk about it I can listen, even if I don't understand all of the situation.
[He was not the best conversationalist but he could listen and sometimes having someone to vent to helped.]
[Steve just sat there looking happy as he started to clean his plate.]
Were you always so formal Suzaku? I mean, when you were a little kid, did you still sit so straight and proper?
[He was teasing, but only a little. Mostly Steve was just curious. At the moment it felt safe to try and ask questions, so he did. It might be a mistake, but he had to try.]
[He was quiet for a moment, as he finished the mouthful he was eating. But he had made a promise to try and be more open and it wasn't like anything about his past was a secret. On the contrary there was so much that people back on his world knew about him already, that he never had to explain.]
Yes. [He nodded.] My father was the Prime Minister of Japan until his death at the start of the war. There was a level of formality expected from me even when I was small. [Even before the army.
Not that there hadn't been many times when he had been not formal at all as a child, he had been trouble in many ways.]
You stole a car? Seriously? Even me and Bucky never managed that! We did get a joyride on a horsecart once though. Probably one of the last in New York, but we managed to ah . . . borrow it for a few minutes. Boy did we get whipped for it too!
[It was a happy memory, one of the ones he cherished, and Steve smiled.]
We got into a lot of trouble for it. The car was one of my fathers, we... borrowed it from the garage. I had played some racing video games and so I believed I knew how to drive. [He can imagine a younger Steve and Bucky grabbing a horsecart.]
As long as you didn't kill anyone, I'd say it was a success. Who else was there with you?
[Steve flushed and ducked his head for a moment.]
We were holy terrors. Did all kinds of things we shouldn't, but it was all in good fun. We were brothers and I dragged Bucky into some of the stupidest things . . .
A... friend of mine. His name was Lelouch. He and his sister were sent to live with us. They were Britannian royalty and they were sent as... hostages. A promise that Britannia wouldn't invade. It was a lie though, they invaded anyways, they didn't care about a disgraced prince and princess.
[He shook his head.] We clashed at first but then we became friends. It didn't matter to us, all of those adult politics. I never spent much time around other kids so it was nice to have someone my age.
Yes. Just a few months... [The final few months of childhood, a friendship strong and intense, made even more so with their attempts to escape the invading forces.]
I'm glad you have those memories Suzaku. I'm so happy you had that connection with someone. I just wish I could help you find something similar.
[Maybe if he could find someone that Suzaku connected to like that, the kid would be able to relax. To enjoy life between the hellish things the hotel did to them. Steve couldn't help thinking his young friend was miserable, even if he didn't say so.]
I have friends here. [It's almost defensive. He has connections.
Maybe not as strong and complete as that long ago summer, but he was not ten years old anymore. The world with all the pain, war and suffering had changed him, as it had changed everyone.]
I... [He stared down at his food.] I care for you. [It's humiliating to have to spell it out, but Steve always required him to use words.
[He frowned at that, but he already knew that Steve thought him a far better person than he actually was.
Even after he had betrayed him and left him to die. Steve was very strange.
He blinked as his hand was taken, but squeezed back, nervously.]
You've always been very kind and... [He trailed off, figuring how best to put this. In a way that wouldn't be insulting.
And in a way that gets even a part of what he is feeling across.] I'm not a child, you're a soldier... I understand that better than I understand... I don't have much common with a lot of people my age. [Not that that prevented friendship, but...]
I'm sorry. I know you're an adult. I know you've been through wars. I just . . . You seem so young sometimes, so innocent. I know you don't really need to be protected. I know that. Hell, we've fought side by side before. But sometimes I just . . .
[He shook his head again. Sometimes he had trouble with words too.]
You seem so sad. You never really relax or smile or seem to have any fun. It makes me want to fix it somehow. So I treat you more like a kid, trying to coax you into something fun. Because I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry Suzaku. I'm sorry.
You have no need to apologise. [Why was this so difficult? He stared at his food again.
Steve had been one of the first people he had met in hell. His kindness had been confusing then and it still was. He always went out of his way to make sure Suzaku was comfortable and it was far far more than Suzaku deserved.
Especially when he clearly was so bad at reciprocating.]
I try... [He really did. That was why this was so frustrating. He tried his best to relax and be comfortable around Steve. He even thought he was doing an okay job.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-07-05 03:32 am (UTC)And Suzaku knew that feeling very well.]
Is Bucky alright? [It wasn't quite the question that he wanted to ask but it was close, a stepping stone.]
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Date: 2022-07-10 11:36 pm (UTC)I assume he's fine. I mean, in general. There doesn't seem to be a disaster in progress at the moment, so it's pretty safe to assume he's healthy. But I'm guessing that's not really what you mean?
[He sighed and poked at his food.]
It's complicated. I make it complicated. I also make it awkward. I'm . . . I'm kind of a problem, but I'm trying to do better. It really is all my fault.
[Which was probably as clear as mud.]
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Date: 2022-07-11 03:51 am (UTC)But at the words he frowned, looking at his plate for a moment.] You're not a problem. I doubt it is all your fault.
[Steve was strangely nice, and he could see why someone like Bucky would struggle with that, same as Suzaku himself did. But that wasn't exactly something bad, something Steve should feel guilt for.]
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Date: 2022-07-14 06:10 pm (UTC)No, it's pretty much all me. And it really is complicated, from my side. And Bucky's just not the type to push, especially when he sees I'm struggling with something. I need to talk more to him, but half the time I don't even really know the problem . . .
[He sighed. Steve was doing better with that. And they had talked and cleared some things up, he just wasn't sure he'd gone far enough. Not that Suzaku was in any way to blame! He looked up at the boy with a sheepish smile.]
Sorry. That still doesn't explain a damn thing. Just know it's nothing you've ever done or could do. And I'm sure Bucky likes you just fine. He's such a sweetheart, just like you.
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Date: 2022-07-16 07:04 am (UTC)Suzaku definitely wouldn't consider himself such either.]
You don't have to explain. But if you... If you ever want to talk about it I can listen, even if I don't understand all of the situation.
[He was not the best conversationalist but he could listen and sometimes having someone to vent to helped.]
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Date: 2022-07-17 09:43 pm (UTC)Thanks Suzaku. It means a lot. Now, eat your food, hmm? We can talk between bites.
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Date: 2022-07-18 09:55 am (UTC)He begins to eat, it really is delicious, Steve's food always was.]
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Date: 2022-07-24 10:29 pm (UTC)Were you always so formal Suzaku? I mean, when you were a little kid, did you still sit so straight and proper?
[He was teasing, but only a little. Mostly Steve was just curious. At the moment it felt safe to try and ask questions, so he did. It might be a mistake, but he had to try.]
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Date: 2022-07-25 07:00 am (UTC)Yes. [He nodded.] My father was the Prime Minister of Japan until his death at the start of the war. There was a level of formality expected from me even when I was small. [Even before the army.
Not that there hadn't been many times when he had been not formal at all as a child, he had been trouble in many ways.]
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Date: 2022-08-02 02:15 am (UTC)[That was . . . so sad.]
So what did you do for fun back home? Before the war? I mean, I assume you did have at least a little fun?
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Date: 2022-08-04 07:58 pm (UTC)[It feels so long ago, that summer.]
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Date: 2022-08-07 10:25 pm (UTC)[It was a happy memory, one of the ones he cherished, and Steve smiled.]
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Date: 2022-08-09 03:39 am (UTC)It sounds like you were quite the pair.
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Date: 2022-08-14 02:21 am (UTC)[Steve flushed and ducked his head for a moment.]
We were holy terrors. Did all kinds of things we shouldn't, but it was all in good fun. We were brothers and I dragged Bucky into some of the stupidest things . . .
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Date: 2022-08-14 07:51 am (UTC)[He shook his head.] We clashed at first but then we became friends. It didn't matter to us, all of those adult politics. I never spent much time around other kids so it was nice to have someone my age.
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Date: 2022-08-30 02:26 am (UTC)[He assumed their family took the kids back once they invaded, since there wouldn't be a need even for false impressions at that point.]
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Date: 2022-09-03 02:37 pm (UTC)[A long warm summer of friendship, before their world was changed forever.]
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Date: 2022-09-03 09:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-04 08:15 am (UTC)I was very lucky.
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Date: 2022-09-15 12:41 am (UTC)[Maybe if he could find someone that Suzaku connected to like that, the kid would be able to relax. To enjoy life between the hellish things the hotel did to them. Steve couldn't help thinking his young friend was miserable, even if he didn't say so.]
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Date: 2022-09-19 06:11 pm (UTC)Maybe not as strong and complete as that long ago summer, but he was not ten years old anymore. The world with all the pain, war and suffering had changed him, as it had changed everyone.]
I... [He stared down at his food.] I care for you. [It's humiliating to have to spell it out, but Steve always required him to use words.
As hard as those words may be.]
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Date: 2022-09-22 02:21 am (UTC)Good. You never talk about anyone, so I guess I wondered. I mean, you're so nice Suzaku. I just know people would like you if you gave them a chance.
[His heart broke and he reached for the boy's hand, squeezing it lightly.]
Oh Suzaku. I care about you too. You're family. I just . . . I just don't want to keep you from being happy somehow. I'm not exactly your age . . .
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Date: 2022-09-22 03:46 am (UTC)Even after he had betrayed him and left him to die. Steve was very strange.
He blinked as his hand was taken, but squeezed back, nervously.]
You've always been very kind and... [He trailed off, figuring how best to put this. In a way that wouldn't be insulting.
And in a way that gets even a part of what he is feeling across.] I'm not a child, you're a soldier... I understand that better than I understand... I don't have much common with a lot of people my age. [Not that that prevented friendship, but...]
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Date: 2022-09-22 03:57 am (UTC)I'm sorry. I know you're an adult. I know you've been through wars. I just . . . You seem so young sometimes, so innocent. I know you don't really need to be protected. I know that. Hell, we've fought side by side before. But sometimes I just . . .
[He shook his head again. Sometimes he had trouble with words too.]
You seem so sad. You never really relax or smile or seem to have any fun. It makes me want to fix it somehow. So I treat you more like a kid, trying to coax you into something fun. Because I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry Suzaku. I'm sorry.
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Date: 2022-09-22 04:45 am (UTC)Steve had been one of the first people he had met in hell. His kindness had been confusing then and it still was. He always went out of his way to make sure Suzaku was comfortable and it was far far more than Suzaku deserved.
Especially when he clearly was so bad at reciprocating.]
I try... [He really did. That was why this was so frustrating. He tried his best to relax and be comfortable around Steve. He even thought he was doing an okay job.
But clearly not.]
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