He sat calmly, wearing a mask of calm is almost second nature to him, his uncomfort is only shown in the way he stares at their hands, too intently.
And the blush that rose on his face. But mostly it is guilt. He likes Steve. The man has been nothing but kind to him since the moment they met and really, that's part of the problem.
He's too nice, nice in a way that Suzaku doesn't deserve and so it's hard to accept anything. It feels like taking advantage.
But did he want the marriage dissolved? Did he want to be married to Steve? He doesn't know. Honestly. If Steve had suggested he didn't want to be stuck with him he would have agreed to dissolve it in a heartbeat but it doesn't seem that Steve does want that.
"I don't know." It's complicated. It's gotten a lot more complicated these last month or so. "I apologise... If you got the impression..."
He looked up, trying for some confidence at least. "I'm not very good. At intimacy."
Steve smiled at the boy, "Really? I never would have guessed." It was a gentle tease, but the smile faded quickly, "Suzaku, can we talk? Seriously I mean. Would it be prying if I asked more about your life? You can ask me the same . . ."
Whether they stayed married or not, but wanted to be there for the boy. He wanted to help. Steve just didn't know how.
"What happened Suzaku? I know a little about your life, but what happened? Who hurt you so badly that you can't allow yourself to reach out at all?"
It killed him to ask it, but he had to know. Steve needed the history so he could try harder to help. If he'd even be allowed to see the kid going forward.
The question is a hard one. Not because it was hard to talk about but because there really wasn't an answer. Not an easy answer. Not an answer he could give Steve and it explain everything.
"I wouldn't say anyone hurt me... I hurt people." Steve knows that, Suzaku has hurt Steve, hurt Bucky. But it's still not easy to talk about.
Not at all. It's never easy to look someone in the eye and shatter their concept of him as a person worth... anything.
"I'm a murderer Steve. I've killed... Millions. I don't have anyone I am close to who I have not hurt. I don't want..." He sat even stiffer, formality worn as armour.
Steve managed to stay quiet. Barely. He wanted to protest that no one had hurt Suzaku. The kid was a walking wound! But it was obvious Suzaku didn't see it that way. For some unknown reason, the boy seemed to think he deserved that sort of treatment, that he was unworthy of kindness and caring. It broke Steve's heart. That kind of systematic abuse was a horror all it's own.
The confession to killing millions hurt too. Just what did they have him do in the military that he could kills millions? Even Steve couldn't claim that many lives, just many many thousands. He took one of Suzaku's hands, knowing the boy would let him but get no comfort from the touch. Nearly everything about Suzaku was heartbreaking . . .
"I don't mind being hurt if it means we can be closer Suzaku. Those we love always have the power to hurt us, even if they don't mean to. Sometimes especially then. I just wish I could help you."
"You do." It's more honest than he perhaps would be normally. But it is the truth. He has no idea why Steve had forgiven him. He understands less why Steve hasn't already gone about dissolving their marriage. "You have been nothing but kind to me."
From the moment Suzaku had arrived in hell. Steve had extended his friendship, his care and Suzaku could barely match that. He only brought pain, at the very least he caused Steve a headache. Even now he wished he could help Suzaku.
As if Suzaku deserved his help. As if he were worthy of it. Suzaku was meant to be dead. To live only behind a mask. His happiness for his world. Instead he was in hell and it fit him, a place of eternal punishment.
That all made sense. People like Steve did not. "I don't know... how to be who you want me to be."
"But it's not enough!" His words were full of anguish and he clung to that hand. Steve would have preferred to yank Suzaku into his arms, but the kid didn't look for things like that. Physical comfort seemed to be a foreign concept to Suzaku and it baffled Steve. He tried so hard to dig deeper, to find the cause so he could help it heal, but the boy gave him so little . . .
And it wasn't Suzaku's fault! Steve didn't blame the boy! But he also couldn't seem to do a damn thing to help, and that killed him. He cupped Suzaku's cheek with his free hand, leaning in until their foreheads touched, "Suzaku, I don't need you to be someone else, I just . . . I just want to help you be happier. To not hurt so much. You seem so lonely . . ." From Steve's perspective at least. It just killed him.
Hearing the anguish in Steve's voice was painful, hearing him believe it was not enough was worse. Suzaku knew that he was not the best as expressing how he felt, but had he fallen so far? So far that someone couldn't even tell when they had helped him, when they had been kinder to him than anyone ever should.
His forehead touched Steve's and he kept hold of his hand, not flinching or moving away from the touch. "You do." He told him quietly. "You do make me happier. I am sorry I am not good at expressing that."
Terrible at showing it, but despite the obvious torture his life here in hell was a lot less lonely, a lot less isolating than his life back in his world. Because of people like Steve who didn't give up, even when Suzaku tried to withdraw.
But he's at a loss as to how to make Steve see that.
"Do I? I can't tell Suzaku. It's not your fault, but I can't tell . . ."
Being allowed to stay close to the kid was a gift he took full advantage of. Steve couldn't help his need to try and fix things and people. It was too ingrained in who he was. Suzaku seemed so broken to him, so unhappy, lonely and just . . . just broken. But he had no clue what to do to help. Or even if Suzaku wanted help. Had he actually ever asked? Was he really being selfless in his quest to fix the kid, or was he just being selfish in assuming there was an issue to start with? Maybe Suzaku liked being the way he was . . .
"You do..." His voice dropped as low as Steve's. He really had messed this up. No surprise. Suzaku had never been good at friendship. Never minds something like marriage. He had known he would end up hurting Steve, from the moment their names had been caused.
Someone such as him couldn't be married, not when he only brought pain to those around him.
"How... How can I show you?" He didn't look stoic and confident right now, his mask dropped as he kept his head pressed to Steve. He looks unsure, every part a young broken knight at loss for how to make this situation better.
Steve just stroked the boy's cheek, "Talk to me? I know you find it hard. I know something happened back home Suzaku, something beyond intolerable. Something that changed you." Because he couldn't imagine the kid had never smiled, never laughed. Never been happy.
"I don't know what happened Suzaku, and I won't ask you. I wish you'd tell me on your own one day, but I won't push. But it makes it hard for me to know if what I do is good or not. You're so reserved. It's not bad! You're welcome to be any way you want! But I can't read you very well." He chewed his lip, "I know you don't much like being touched either, but you endure it for me. I appreciate that." It also didn't make him stop.
It's not that he doesn't want to tell him, it's just that there is so much and nothing at all. No one thing separated a Suzaku whose smiles came easily to one whose didn't. More it was a build up of war and sorrow. His own sins and crimes chipping away at him until the hard armour he cloaked himself in became part of him, until the boy who believed in justice and wanted to save Japan had been pushed down so many times he no longer stood back up.
But none of that is a moment, none of that is something he can vocalise, none of it is one thing that Steve can fix. Suzaku is a man who should no longer exist, a man who should exist hidden behind a mask, serving the world he so betrayed. But instead he had been dragged to hell and....
Here he was. "I don't mind you touching me."
It's an easier subject, much easier to navigate. "You can touch me whenever you like."
He had been trying to show that, since they married, the couple of times they had spend time together since then, but it was probably best to speak it, to make it clear.
He chuckled and finally let his hands fall away, "I touch you even when all you do is tense up Suzaku. But I appreciate the permission. And I hope you get something from it. Some kind of comfort. It's meant to make you feel better, to let you know I care. And I do care Suzaku. Marriage or not, I care."
"You can use your words Suzaku. I know I tend to just . . . do things. And say things. But you can make your opinion known too. I know you have it in you."
He touched the kid lightly, just over his heart, "You have so much inside you Suzaku. I really think it's just a matter of you figuring out how to access it."
"I do not mind." He told him but he would try. To use his words more, to speak to him and let his opinion be known. It was not easy for him but he was beginning to realise that it wasn't something he could avoid here.
"I will try my best." To find it inside of him. He bowed his head politely.
"I know you will Suzaku. You always do your best. And I'm certainly not perfect by any means. If you're willing to try, I am too. All I'd ever ask is that you try."
Would it work? Maybe. Did he still feel at a loss? Very much so, but Steve would keep trying because he couldn't just cut Suzaku free. The kid needed someone who'd always be there, always be willing to push and support. Steve could do that.
He could do that. Try. Try harder. He just nodded again, not moving out of Steve's hold. He would do better, to meet Steve in the middle, to try and make this marriage work no matter how unconventional it was.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-10-30 10:03 am (UTC)And the blush that rose on his face. But mostly it is guilt. He likes Steve. The man has been nothing but kind to him since the moment they met and really, that's part of the problem.
He's too nice, nice in a way that Suzaku doesn't deserve and so it's hard to accept anything. It feels like taking advantage.
But did he want the marriage dissolved? Did he want to be married to Steve? He doesn't know. Honestly. If Steve had suggested he didn't want to be stuck with him he would have agreed to dissolve it in a heartbeat but it doesn't seem that Steve does want that.
"I don't know." It's complicated. It's gotten a lot more complicated these last month or so. "I apologise... If you got the impression..."
He looked up, trying for some confidence at least. "I'm not very good. At intimacy."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-02 12:38 am (UTC)Whether they stayed married or not, but wanted to be there for the boy. He wanted to help. Steve just didn't know how.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-02 05:23 am (UTC)"It wouldn't be prying. I can answer your questions."
And ask his own.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 02:26 am (UTC)It killed him to ask it, but he had to know. Steve needed the history so he could try harder to help. If he'd even be allowed to see the kid going forward.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 08:51 am (UTC)"I wouldn't say anyone hurt me... I hurt people." Steve knows that, Suzaku has hurt Steve, hurt Bucky. But it's still not easy to talk about.
Not at all. It's never easy to look someone in the eye and shatter their concept of him as a person worth... anything.
"I'm a murderer Steve. I've killed... Millions. I don't have anyone I am close to who I have not hurt. I don't want..." He sat even stiffer, formality worn as armour.
"I don't want to hurt you."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 05:32 pm (UTC)The confession to killing millions hurt too. Just what did they have him do in the military that he could kills millions? Even Steve couldn't claim that many lives, just many many thousands. He took one of Suzaku's hands, knowing the boy would let him but get no comfort from the touch. Nearly everything about Suzaku was heartbreaking . . .
"I don't mind being hurt if it means we can be closer Suzaku. Those we love always have the power to hurt us, even if they don't mean to. Sometimes especially then. I just wish I could help you."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 08:09 pm (UTC)From the moment Suzaku had arrived in hell. Steve had extended his friendship, his care and Suzaku could barely match that. He only brought pain, at the very least he caused Steve a headache. Even now he wished he could help Suzaku.
As if Suzaku deserved his help. As if he were worthy of it. Suzaku was meant to be dead. To live only behind a mask. His happiness for his world. Instead he was in hell and it fit him, a place of eternal punishment.
That all made sense. People like Steve did not. "I don't know... how to be who you want me to be."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-25 04:50 am (UTC)And it wasn't Suzaku's fault! Steve didn't blame the boy! But he also couldn't seem to do a damn thing to help, and that killed him. He cupped Suzaku's cheek with his free hand, leaning in until their foreheads touched, "Suzaku, I don't need you to be someone else, I just . . . I just want to help you be happier. To not hurt so much. You seem so lonely . . ." From Steve's perspective at least. It just killed him.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-25 05:13 am (UTC)His forehead touched Steve's and he kept hold of his hand, not flinching or moving away from the touch. "You do." He told him quietly. "You do make me happier. I am sorry I am not good at expressing that."
Terrible at showing it, but despite the obvious torture his life here in hell was a lot less lonely, a lot less isolating than his life back in his world. Because of people like Steve who didn't give up, even when Suzaku tried to withdraw.
But he's at a loss as to how to make Steve see that.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-26 09:52 pm (UTC)Being allowed to stay close to the kid was a gift he took full advantage of. Steve couldn't help his need to try and fix things and people. It was too ingrained in who he was. Suzaku seemed so broken to him, so unhappy, lonely and just . . . just broken. But he had no clue what to do to help. Or even if Suzaku wanted help. Had he actually ever asked? Was he really being selfless in his quest to fix the kid, or was he just being selfish in assuming there was an issue to start with? Maybe Suzaku liked being the way he was . . .
no subject
Date: 2021-11-27 09:16 am (UTC)Someone such as him couldn't be married, not when he only brought pain to those around him.
"How... How can I show you?" He didn't look stoic and confident right now, his mask dropped as he kept his head pressed to Steve. He looks unsure, every part a young broken knight at loss for how to make this situation better.
But wishing to try.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-20 03:55 am (UTC)"I don't know what happened Suzaku, and I won't ask you. I wish you'd tell me on your own one day, but I won't push. But it makes it hard for me to know if what I do is good or not. You're so reserved. It's not bad! You're welcome to be any way you want! But I can't read you very well." He chewed his lip, "I know you don't much like being touched either, but you endure it for me. I appreciate that." It also didn't make him stop.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-20 05:58 am (UTC)But none of that is a moment, none of that is something he can vocalise, none of it is one thing that Steve can fix. Suzaku is a man who should no longer exist, a man who should exist hidden behind a mask, serving the world he so betrayed. But instead he had been dragged to hell and....
Here he was. "I don't mind you touching me."
It's an easier subject, much easier to navigate. "You can touch me whenever you like."
He had been trying to show that, since they married, the couple of times they had spend time together since then, but it was probably best to speak it, to make it clear.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-25 03:34 am (UTC)begin to wrap?
Date: 2021-12-28 01:43 pm (UTC)He's terrible at showing it. He will do better. It's a promise.
yup!
Date: 2021-12-30 07:00 am (UTC)He touched the kid lightly, just over his heart, "You have so much inside you Suzaku. I really think it's just a matter of you figuring out how to access it."
Re: yup!
Date: 2022-01-01 08:25 pm (UTC)"I will try my best." To find it inside of him. He bowed his head politely.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-05 03:38 am (UTC)Would it work? Maybe. Did he still feel at a loss? Very much so, but Steve would keep trying because he couldn't just cut Suzaku free. The kid needed someone who'd always be there, always be willing to push and support. Steve could do that.
wrap! <3
Date: 2022-01-05 05:32 am (UTC)