[Steve gave the boy a grateful look and brought over the bread, settling down as well.]
I'll remember for next time. When we get back to the hotel, I'll make sure to keep rice on hand. Back home we usually have bread with stuff like stew. It soaks up the soup really well.
[He started to reach for the ladle to dish up the food and paused.]
[ So would rice, he thinks, but doesn't say anything. The only thing that matters is that he and Steve get to spend some quality time together, and that he makes the other man happy, at least for a little bit. He'd agree with anything to that end anyway. ]
Um, sure, of course...
[ It's not all that important to him who pours the food, but he supposes it's nice when he gets affirmation that he's capable of some things. Which probably means he's getting a little more anxious about it than is really reasonable, but luckily, he does successfully fill two bowls quickly enough, and pushes one toward Steve with a bright smile. ]
[Steve took the bowl with a beaming smile and pushed the plate of bread toward the middle of the table, where they could both reach it. He leaned over his bowl and drew in the scent, a long, slow breath. It smelled divine!]
I don't think it's possible to dislike something that smells so amazing. Thank you Yoon. This means so much to me.
[ It's also probably hella spicy to anyone who's not used to such foods, but it doesn't really occur to Bum to mention it. At least Steve's reaction seems to be a good one, so he already looks a little more confident when he pulls his own bowl closer. ]
I'm glad... [ He fiddles with the utensils for a moment before glancing up briefly. ] You mean so much to me...
[ He finally seems to have reached his embarrassment quota and quickly looks down into his lap before he starts eating without another word. ]
[He would have said something else nice, but Steve was a little busy sucking in air against the amount of heat on his tongue. That was spicy! But still tasty! He drained his glass of water a few times before he managed words again. Steve's eyes were watering a little and his voice was a bit hoarse, but he was smiling.]
You mean a lot to me too Yoon. That is spicy! But it's so good!
[ For him, it's just how warm food is supposed to taste, so at first he's a little confused -- why is Steve crying? -- before he sort of explains it, and of course, Bum immediately looks worried. ]
Oh-- Are you okay?
[ At... at least it sounds like he still likes it? ]
I'm glad... [ He does keep half an eye on that pitcher, but since it seems that Steve is mostly fine, he'll leave that be for now. He blinks twice at the question. ] Um-- yeah, it's the usual... My grandmother always made it like this, too.
[ And he probably learned from helping her, because his uncle had definitely never touched anything in the kitchen. Women's work, something something. Bum was just happy to be useful, though he wonders how much of an aid he really was, at least at the start. ]
[Steve emptied his bowl and sat back with flushed cheeks and a satisfied smile, draining his last glass of water until he refilled the pitcher.]
Clearly I'm not used to your grandma's cooking, but I wouldn't mind having a lot more. We should definitely make it a thing to teach me how to cook your way too. I have a feeling it'd be really fun!
[ He smiles, beams almost, clearly happy with the positive reaction he's getting. The suggestion makes him perk up a little, too. ]
Oh! I think so too! [ He looks down at his plate for a moment before glancing at Steve again, just a hint bashful about something he hasn't voiced yet. ] I, um... I would like to spend more time with you...
[ Friday dinners were nice and all, but it was so little! And Steve did offer to teach him some self defense a while ago too, which honestly could be a pretty good excuse to see him even more, not that he's bringing it up right now. ]
Yeah? It's settled then. We'll do cooking at least once a week, on top of the usual meals. That sound good?
[Steve almost never turned someone down who wanted his company. It made him happy to spend time with friends anyway, and it was such a small ask from someone to have some of his time. It seemed the very least he could do.]
[ He nods enthusiastically, even if he hopes not all of their time together has to revolve around food. Should he say something? Should he wait for another time? He doesn't want to ask for too many favors all at once. So maybe it's best to wait. ]
[ Still, there's no harm in chatting about other things. ]
[ Soon he finishes his food, then glances at Steve. He's both bubbling over with the need to talk to him, and scared that he'll say something wrong and ruin things again. Besides, why would Steve even want to hear anything? But they were friends, right?.. ]
[ Another glance, quickly averted back to his empty plate. He might be a little flustered. ]
So... um... what have you been up to?..
[ During the time they haven't seen each other, he means. ]
[He was eating a lot slower, but Steve was still working on getting that large bowl emptied. There would still be leftovers, but he didn't want Yoon to think he disliked the meal! And he really did sort of like the heat burning his whole head at the moment.]
You mean around here? Oh ah. Well. You know . . .
[Sex? More sex? Fighting things, suffering? What should he say to the kid?]
Keeping to myself, if I'm being honest. I haven't been the best at treating any of my friends as if they matter as much as they do to me, especially you Yoon. I'm so sorry about that. I've been pretty terrible to everyone by not making an effort. I really have no excuse.
[ He would probably think that, so he'd better finish up! ]
[ It might be a good thing that he doesn't mention the sex, or the suffering for that matter. Bum would probably feel jealous, or concerned, or both. Luckily he had been fairly preoccupied lately, which meant that he wasn't actually stalking the man, so for now he wouldn't know anything he didn't tell him... best not to get used to that, of course. ]
Oh. [ He's not sure what he expected, and he's not sure how he feels about it. On one hand, being treated the same as everyone else wasn't all that nice... but then again, when the alternative was being treated worse... okay, he's fine with this. He thinks. He forces a little smile. ] W-well, we have all the time to make up for it, right?..
[ He doesn't want to guilt-trip the man, but at the same time, the constant apologies are... nice. He's never had anyone feel so bad after mistreating him before. It almost makes him want to push a little, see if he can get any more of this attention... ]
Y-yeah. I know that. [ Bum's mumble sounds a little apologetic, even though there's no real reason for him to be. ] I was just--
[ Scared is the first word he wants to use. That night at the club really did terrify him, once he gathered his bearings enough to think it over rationally and without being guided by... hormones, or whatever. Not what happened between them, not really, but how nonchalant Steve had acted about it. That was the scary part. And even if he knew it was all Hell's doing, some part of him still wondered. Worried. ]
[ But the last thing he wants to do is make Steve feel like some kind of monster. Not when the other man already feels so terrible and guilty. Not just because he succumbed to Hell's traps that one unfortunate time, while others were being affected on the regular despite their best wishes. No, he can't hold it against him, and he absolutely can't let him think he does. ]
--confused.
[ It seems like a better choice, and it's still true enough to be genuine. Because he was quite torn between trying to figure out what exactly their relationship was and what he wanted it to be. He's still not quite sure, to be honest. Being friends is nice. Very nice. But then, every now and then, he definitely spends some time fantasizing about his friend without all of those clothes in the way and he's both terrified and intrigued by his own thoughts. ]
I'm sorry for that. I don't mean to make you feel that way. Can you tell me what it is you want? That's a good way to start, right?
[He'd finally eaten all he could and pushed his bowl aside, devoting all his attention to Yoon. The last thing he wanted to do was say what he wanted because he had a feeling that Yoon would just agree with anything he said, and that wouldn't help the boy feel secure and heard.]
[ He fidgets. Folding and unfolding his arms, plucking at the rim of his shirt, shifting in his chair. It's true that he doesn't know what to say, but is that really an answer? Maybe if he just -- lays it all out on the table, the other man would understand?.. He sighs, glancing up at Steve and then at the table in front of him again. ]
I-I really like you. And I really like being friends. A-and I'm afraid I'll mess up what we have... but... [ His cheeks are turning red. ] But I also... want you...
[ His arms are folded again, pressed up so hard against him his knuckles are almost white. He's so scared, or maybe embarrassed, or maybe both, but he's still talking, still trying to make his heart known. ]
I want to be able to-- touch you w-without worrying what's "appropriate"... [ He finally looks up again, searching Steve's face. His expression is so worried, so fragile, a single rejection could probably shatter him. ] But I also don't-- I don't want you to pity me, or-- or feel like you need to do something you... don't want.
[ He takes a deep breath. ]
You said, before, that there's-- many people you love... I-I thought about it, and I'm-- okay with that...
[ Mostly because he's realized he's much in the same boat here, but it might take him a moment to admit it. He still thinks, for some reason, that Steve would not be okay with it. ]
[Steve watched and listened, offering a reassuring smile any time Yoon glanced up at him. It was what he'd expected the kid to say, and he was proud of Yoon for finally finding the nerve, but he did wince at the last part. He leaned on the table, holding out a hand for one of Yoon's]
I want that too Yoon. I want to be closer. I want you to feel confident about touching me, about asking or showing me what you need. And I'm sorry about this place. Back home . . . back home things aren't so complicated. Being with just one person would be easy there. Here . . . I don't want to hurt you Yoon. So I won't lie. You wouldn't be the only one I care about, but I'd never talk about someone else with you.
[ It definitely helps, those receptive expressions, even if Bum still kind of feels like he wants to sink through the floor and disappear, somehow still anticipating rejection even though Steve had assured him multiple times it wasn't the case. He just... wasn't used to being assertive about anything, so actually having to speak his mind... well, it's terrifying. And embarrassing. But he wants this so badly. ]
[ He bites his lip and nods slowly. ]
I-- I know that. I had... someone... back home, too. [ Not someone good, exactly, but someone he wanted to stay faithful to. Here, though... Is it really so terrible if he wants to have something he can look forward to in this awful place? If he wants as much of it as he can get? ] And-- I met nice people here... [ He probably doesn't need to go into much detail there. Steve is one such person... and he wants to tell him about another one, but he's scared he might not like it, and things are going so well right now. ] What-- what I'm saying is, I understand... and it's okay...
[Steve continued to hold out his hand, waiting for Yoon to have the nerve to take it. He smiled at the boy, nodding a little.]
Did you? Someone you cared about? What were they like Yoon? What did you like best about them?
[He wasn't trying to pry, but Steve longed to know more about the boy. Nice things preferably. He knew too much about the horror poor Yoon had had to endure.]
[ He hadn't even noticed it at first, but at those questions, his gaze darts down to the table again and he finally realizes the quiet offer. He exhales shakily and sneaks one hand into Steve's, though still not looking at him. ]
[ It's... complicated. Yes, there were things about Sangwoo that he deeply cherished, but did it make up for all the darkness? A while ago, he would be unsure. Now, he can firmly say that no, it did not. It did not at all, Bum did not deserve what happened to him. ]
[ But... he doesn't know if he wants to open up to Steve that much just yet. And it's really difficult to separate the good and the bad for anything else. ]
Y-yeah... [ He thinks, considers, swallows. ] He-- wasn't a good person, but... he was the only one who ever stood up for me... and... he was kind...
[ When he wasn't trying to kill him, anyway. He can probably skip that part. Right? ]
[Steve's smile warmed a few degrees as he closed his hand around Yoon's small one and gave it a gentle squeeze. Physical connections really were everything to him.]
Sometimes we fall for the wrong people. It's nothing to be ashamed of Yoon. Very few people are all good or all bad. Most of us have lots of both, and finding the good in someone is a blessing, especially when most other people would only see the bad.
[His thumb stroked over the back of Yoon's hand slowly, over and over.]
I'm a little jealous. I never had the chance to do the relationship thing back home. The few long-term things I've tried since leaving have been . . . awkward. At best.
[ He smiles back shyly, turning his hand a little so he can close his fingers around Steve's hand in return. The man's words are comforting but he has to wonder, just how far would his understanding really go. ]
[ What would he think if Bum confessed that he was finding the good in a serial killer who routinely abused him? Would he think less of him? Would he be horrified? Judgemental? Pitying? Would he still want anything to do with him? ]
I... I guess...
[ No, he doesn't need to know the whole story. Not yet. Not until it's pried out of him like several things so far have been. ]
[ He raises his face to look at Steve in surprise when he admits he never had a relationship at home, though. How was that possible? He was such a catch in all meanings of the word. ]
Really? [ He even forgets to stutter, so floored by that revelation. ] Never?
[Steve knew Yoon was holding back, the kid always did. But so did he. When the boy was ready, he'd speak up. Until then, Steve would take the crumbs he could get.]
Really really. I think I've mentioned I didn't always look like this? Back before the serum no one wanted me because I was five breaths away from dying. After the serum, everyone wanted me, but I didn't want something casual and meaningless. There was a lady once, someone who saw me before the serum, but I ended up in the ice before we could see where it would go.
[He sighed with a soft smile.]
When I woke up, it was like starting all over again, but with the worst handicap ever. I never really felt at home, you know?
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compelledtoprotect) wrote2019-05-05 04:31 am
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I'll remember for next time. When we get back to the hotel, I'll make sure to keep rice on hand. Back home we usually have bread with stuff like stew. It soaks up the soup really well.
[He started to reach for the ladle to dish up the food and paused.]
Did you wanna serve?
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Um, sure, of course...
[ It's not all that important to him who pours the food, but he supposes it's nice when he gets affirmation that he's capable of some things. Which probably means he's getting a little more anxious about it than is really reasonable, but luckily, he does successfully fill two bowls quickly enough, and pushes one toward Steve with a bright smile. ]
I-I hope you like it.
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I don't think it's possible to dislike something that smells so amazing. Thank you Yoon. This means so much to me.
[He looked up with a soft smile.]
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I'm glad... [ He fiddles with the utensils for a moment before glancing up briefly. ] You mean so much to me...
[ He finally seems to have reached his embarrassment quota and quickly looks down into his lap before he starts eating without another word. ]
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You mean a lot to me too Yoon. That is spicy! But it's so good!
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Oh-- Are you okay?
[ At... at least it sounds like he still likes it? ]
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I love it! And I'm fine! Just not used to so much spice in every spoonful. Do you always have it with this much heat?
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[ And he probably learned from helping her, because his uncle had definitely never touched anything in the kitchen. Women's work, something something. Bum was just happy to be useful, though he wonders how much of an aid he really was, at least at the start. ]
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Clearly I'm not used to your grandma's cooking, but I wouldn't mind having a lot more. We should definitely make it a thing to teach me how to cook your way too. I have a feeling it'd be really fun!
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Oh! I think so too! [ He looks down at his plate for a moment before glancing at Steve again, just a hint bashful about something he hasn't voiced yet. ] I, um... I would like to spend more time with you...
[ Friday dinners were nice and all, but it was so little! And Steve did offer to teach him some self defense a while ago too, which honestly could be a pretty good excuse to see him even more, not that he's bringing it up right now. ]
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[Steve almost never turned someone down who wanted his company. It made him happy to spend time with friends anyway, and it was such a small ask from someone to have some of his time. It seemed the very least he could do.]
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[ Still, there's no harm in chatting about other things. ]
[ Soon he finishes his food, then glances at Steve. He's both bubbling over with the need to talk to him, and scared that he'll say something wrong and ruin things again. Besides, why would Steve even want to hear anything? But they were friends, right?.. ]
[ Another glance, quickly averted back to his empty plate. He might be a little flustered. ]
So... um... what have you been up to?..
[ During the time they haven't seen each other, he means. ]
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You mean around here? Oh ah. Well. You know . . .
[Sex? More sex? Fighting things, suffering? What should he say to the kid?]
Keeping to myself, if I'm being honest. I haven't been the best at treating any of my friends as if they matter as much as they do to me, especially you Yoon. I'm so sorry about that. I've been pretty terrible to everyone by not making an effort. I really have no excuse.
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[ It might be a good thing that he doesn't mention the sex, or the suffering for that matter. Bum would probably feel jealous, or concerned, or both. Luckily he had been fairly preoccupied lately, which meant that he wasn't actually stalking the man, so for now he wouldn't know anything he didn't tell him... best not to get used to that, of course. ]
Oh. [ He's not sure what he expected, and he's not sure how he feels about it. On one hand, being treated the same as everyone else wasn't all that nice... but then again, when the alternative was being treated worse... okay, he's fine with this. He thinks. He forces a little smile. ] W-well, we have all the time to make up for it, right?..
[ He doesn't want to guilt-trip the man, but at the same time, the constant apologies are... nice. He's never had anyone feel so bad after mistreating him before. It almost makes him want to push a little, see if he can get any more of this attention... ]
[ What was wrong with him? ]
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We do. And I'll be better, I promise. You can stop by anytime too you know. I don't mind random visits.
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[ Scared is the first word he wants to use. That night at the club really did terrify him, once he gathered his bearings enough to think it over rationally and without being guided by... hormones, or whatever. Not what happened between them, not really, but how nonchalant Steve had acted about it. That was the scary part. And even if he knew it was all Hell's doing, some part of him still wondered. Worried. ]
[ But the last thing he wants to do is make Steve feel like some kind of monster. Not when the other man already feels so terrible and guilty. Not just because he succumbed to Hell's traps that one unfortunate time, while others were being affected on the regular despite their best wishes. No, he can't hold it against him, and he absolutely can't let him think he does. ]
--confused.
[ It seems like a better choice, and it's still true enough to be genuine. Because he was quite torn between trying to figure out what exactly their relationship was and what he wanted it to be. He's still not quite sure, to be honest. Being friends is nice. Very nice. But then, every now and then, he definitely spends some time fantasizing about his friend without all of those clothes in the way and he's both terrified and intrigued by his own thoughts. ]
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[He'd finally eaten all he could and pushed his bowl aside, devoting all his attention to Yoon. The last thing he wanted to do was say what he wanted because he had a feeling that Yoon would just agree with anything he said, and that wouldn't help the boy feel secure and heard.]
this is what you get for being nice to him Steve,
[ He fidgets. Folding and unfolding his arms, plucking at the rim of his shirt, shifting in his chair. It's true that he doesn't know what to say, but is that really an answer? Maybe if he just -- lays it all out on the table, the other man would understand?.. He sighs, glancing up at Steve and then at the table in front of him again. ]
I-I really like you. And I really like being friends. A-and I'm afraid I'll mess up what we have... but... [ His cheeks are turning red. ] But I also... want you...
[ His arms are folded again, pressed up so hard against him his knuckles are almost white. He's so scared, or maybe embarrassed, or maybe both, but he's still talking, still trying to make his heart known. ]
I want to be able to-- touch you w-without worrying what's "appropriate"... [ He finally looks up again, searching Steve's face. His expression is so worried, so fragile, a single rejection could probably shatter him. ] But I also don't-- I don't want you to pity me, or-- or feel like you need to do something you... don't want.
[ He takes a deep breath. ]
You said, before, that there's-- many people you love... I-I thought about it, and I'm-- okay with that...
[ Mostly because he's realized he's much in the same boat here, but it might take him a moment to admit it. He still thinks, for some reason, that Steve would not be okay with it. ]
like he plans to leave XD
I want that too Yoon. I want to be closer. I want you to feel confident about touching me, about asking or showing me what you need. And I'm sorry about this place. Back home . . . back home things aren't so complicated. Being with just one person would be easy there. Here . . . I don't want to hurt you Yoon. So I won't lie. You wouldn't be the only one I care about, but I'd never talk about someone else with you.
well good then!
[ He bites his lip and nods slowly. ]
I-- I know that. I had... someone... back home, too. [ Not someone good, exactly, but someone he wanted to stay faithful to. Here, though... Is it really so terrible if he wants to have something he can look forward to in this awful place? If he wants as much of it as he can get? ] And-- I met nice people here... [ He probably doesn't need to go into much detail there. Steve is one such person... and he wants to tell him about another one, but he's scared he might not like it, and things are going so well right now. ] What-- what I'm saying is, I understand... and it's okay...
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Did you? Someone you cared about? What were they like Yoon? What did you like best about them?
[He wasn't trying to pry, but Steve longed to know more about the boy. Nice things preferably. He knew too much about the horror poor Yoon had had to endure.]
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[ It's... complicated. Yes, there were things about Sangwoo that he deeply cherished, but did it make up for all the darkness? A while ago, he would be unsure. Now, he can firmly say that no, it did not. It did not at all, Bum did not deserve what happened to him. ]
[ But... he doesn't know if he wants to open up to Steve that much just yet. And it's really difficult to separate the good and the bad for anything else. ]
Y-yeah... [ He thinks, considers, swallows. ] He-- wasn't a good person, but... he was the only one who ever stood up for me... and... he was kind...
[ When he wasn't trying to kill him, anyway. He can probably skip that part. Right? ]
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Sometimes we fall for the wrong people. It's nothing to be ashamed of Yoon. Very few people are all good or all bad. Most of us have lots of both, and finding the good in someone is a blessing, especially when most other people would only see the bad.
[His thumb stroked over the back of Yoon's hand slowly, over and over.]
I'm a little jealous. I never had the chance to do the relationship thing back home. The few long-term things I've tried since leaving have been . . . awkward. At best.
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[ What would he think if Bum confessed that he was finding the good in a serial killer who routinely abused him? Would he think less of him? Would he be horrified? Judgemental? Pitying? Would he still want anything to do with him? ]
I... I guess...
[ No, he doesn't need to know the whole story. Not yet. Not until it's pried out of him like several things so far have been. ]
[ He raises his face to look at Steve in surprise when he admits he never had a relationship at home, though. How was that possible? He was such a catch in all meanings of the word. ]
Really? [ He even forgets to stutter, so floored by that revelation. ] Never?
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Really really. I think I've mentioned I didn't always look like this? Back before the serum no one wanted me because I was five breaths away from dying. After the serum, everyone wanted me, but I didn't want something casual and meaningless. There was a lady once, someone who saw me before the serum, but I ended up in the ice before we could see where it would go.
[He sighed with a soft smile.]
When I woke up, it was like starting all over again, but with the worst handicap ever. I never really felt at home, you know?
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