hard to explain. kinda feel auras. spirits. his feels wrong.
clown, 2 mos. wiring door, 1 mo.
[It takes a while before Steve gets this answer as well, and it's telling Setsuna isn't offering to stop by and explain in person, because it would obviously be easier on him than using a phone.]
Setsuna didn't bother with much else in text, a little anxious at Steve's words. Granted, he knew this was never going to go too well, which was part of why he still didn't tell Steve about any of it, until now.
On top of everything, he couldn't find Kurai again, not sure what happened.
He tried to put a smile on his face he entered suite 3 and called out, "So...what kind of discussion were you thinking? Can I at least get a last meal first?" It was his attempt at humor, to deflect. It was either that, or get snotty, which was still likely.
Steve didn't look amused, but he was already holding a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches. It was just one of those things; kids were always hungry, and so was he, so why not make food? He lifted a brow and pointed at the couch, where a glass of tea waited on the coffee table.
"Sit. Eat. Then you can tell me all about the evil clown and the nut who thinks explosives are toys. And why you haven't bothered to mention any of it." He peered past Setsuna, the stern expressing slipping a little, "Hey, where's your friend? I thought you were bringing someone?"
When Setsuna saw Steve's face, whatever bit of humor he was attempting slid away, fast. It was all big brown eyes that looked back at Steve, intent and worried.
"I was joking. I'm not actually hungry," he admits as he looks guiltily at food, a little confused. It took some adjustment with his mind that insisted he should have a fist in his face, rather than the offer of food. This was Steve...Steve wasn't like that. It's in his softer tone of voice, the way his shoulder curl up around him when he sits, and no matter how many times his eyes stray, they always go back to watch Steve.
He did at least sit and pulled the tea close to his body. He cupped his hands around the mug, taking in the heat.
"There's not much to talk about. The clown just feels wrong to me. He hasn't done anything, though. And the other guy was putting explosives in his door, so I left. I haven't been staying there, so I'm definitely not taking any friend of mine there," Setsuna explained, until Steve's question. He looked down into his mug and sighed.
"I couldn't find her when I went back. Probably for the best. I hope she's somewhere better. At least back home."
Steve took the food back to the counter and covered it before coming to sit next to Setsuna on the couch. He listened to the kid talk, still frowning, but he wasn't angry exactly. He was worried. Worried as hell. If Setsuna hadn't been in his room to sleep, where the hell had he gone? Not every night was spent in Steve's bed . . .
Then Setsuna mentioned the disappearance of his friend and all the rest went to the wayside. He reached out and ran a hand through the boy's hair, concern all over his face, "What do you mean baby? She just walked away, or . . . or she's not in the hotel anymore?"
Since Steve didn't ask, Setsuna didn't tell him where he slept, when he did sleep. Thor's bed, was one of those places, on occasion. Then there was when he finally broke down and asked if he could stay in Steve's suite for a brief time.
Instinctively, Setsuna leaned his head into the feel of a hand through his hair. It still conjured up memories of Kira, but he was starting to accept the gesture from other people. His mood was already low.
"She's not here," Setsuna said, and managed a little smile. "I hope that means she's someplace better."
"Oh Setsuna . . . " Steve didn't ask, he just pulled the kid onto his lap so Setsuna could be cuddled. The suite sounded horrible, beyond unsafe, and the question of where the kid had been sleeping bugged Steve, but it was a secondary worry at the moment. He knew how painful it was to have someone from home show up, and then just as suddenly disappear. That hurt like hell.
Considering how on edge Setsuna had been at first, scared he was in trouble with the conversation that started all of this, Setsuna's entire body went tense when Steve grabbed for him muscles rigid until he was in Steve's arms and realized Steve just wanted to comfort him.
As for Kurai.... Kurai vanishing wasn't what hurt Setsuna. Sure, he missed her, but the last thing he ever wanted for her was for her to be in Hell, especially this one.
To Steve's apology, he looked up, confused, and asked, "What are you sorry for?"
Steve stroked Setsuna's cheek lightly. He was used to the way the boy often flinched and stiffened, though it always hurt a little. It wasn't Setsuna's fault though, or his own, and he reminded himself of that. Often. The kid might never stop it, but Steve was confident he was making an impression anyway. A good one for a change. He'd get back to the issue of where Setsuna had been sleeping eventually.
"I'm sorry your friend left sweetheart. I mean, I realize the bigger picture is that she went home, but that doesn't make it any easier to not even be able to say goodbye. I'm sorry you're sad Setsuna."
Setsuna shifts his weight next to Steve, then tries to curl up close to him as his stomach starts to churn. He's uncomfortable, until Steve apologizes outright for Kurai's disappearance.
Eyes big and confused, he looks up at Steve and shakes his head.
"I'm not really sad about that, though. I'd much rather Kurai not be here, at all. I'll see her again when I get out," Setsuna points out, still convinced it would happen one day.
Steve slid his arm around Setsuna's shoulders, cuddling the boy against his side when him inched closer. He met Setsuna's eyes with a faint smile, "I'm not exactly happy to hear you've been having such a terrible time in your suite, but I'm not exactly angry at you Setsuna. I just wish you felt you could trust me with the truth sooner. I would have helped you find another place to stay even if it wasn't here with me kiddo. Were you just scared I'd yell or something? Why did you leave it so long?"
Setsuna eased a little at the physical affection, and Steve's words, eating all of it up as he relaxed.
"Sorry.... Just, I didn't know you that well, at first," Setsuna said. Even if it was an excuse, it was the truth. "And then I didn't say anything because I didn't want to worry you. I thought I could handle it on my own."
He swallowed after, and his eyes trailed to the side as he added, "The longer it went on, and I didn't say anything, then I was scared you were gonna yell at me."
He sighed and hugged the kid tighter, "You know, I wanna say I wouldn't have gotten upset, but I probably would have. The idea of you in danger makes he worry Setsuna, how could it not? I just wish I hadn't scared you into being quiet." Steve rested his cheek on Setsuna's hair.
"You know, even if I yell sometimes, I'll never love you any less. And I'd never hurt you kiddo. I want to help you. I want you to be safe and happy always. A little cheesy I guess, but it's still what I wish I could help you find."
"It's not your fault.... I just thought I could handle things on my own," Setsuna tried to assure Steve, though he was worried his comfort wouldn't reach him. Steve always seemed hellbent on taking responsibility.
Eyes downcast, with a sigh, Setsuna added, "And I definitely didn't want you to worry."
As for everything else, cheesy, maybe, but the comfort of someone so close, caring so much, Setsuna latched onto it, desperate for the love that Steve offered him.
"It's okay if you yell," Setsuna said, eyes looking up, sincere. "I deserve it sometimes. Getting scolded, or smacked. It's really okay."
"Yelling sometimes, but no hitting. I'm not gonna backhand you for being a kid. Or for being yourself in general. We're both pretty prone to acting before thinking, and to risking our necks whether we really need to or not. That doesn't mean you should get smacked." Of course, he had actually spanked Setsuna once . . . But that had been a knee-jerk reaction, not a thought-out response! And it was wrong. Setsuna was way too old to spank!
"I am proud of you Setsuna. You kept yourself in one piece, and I know you've been helping other people too. All when you were dealing with this stuff and keeping it a secret. I don't approve of the keeping secrets part, but you did good kiddo. Keeping yourself alive is a pretty impressive feat." One he wished the kid didn't have to be an expert at.
"Steve...." Setsuna breathed in, heavily to that. It was harder than he thought it would be to admit, "It's the only thing I listen to, sometimes. So if you have to hit me, it really is okay." He reached out to place a hand on Steve's shoulder, trying to drive home the point with both comfort and his nearly golden eyes peering into Steve's blue ones.
He meant every bit of it, despite his own frustration. He'd rather Steve hit him than stay angry at him, or be stressed out because of anything he did.
As for the spanking, truly, Setsuna had barely registered the act at the time, and while he felt embarrassed because of his age, he felt he had more than earned it. Scaring Steve as he had, he didn't mind the act if it meant Steve wasn't freaking out. And if that was the only way Steve could express himself? Setsuna could never hold it against him, and would prefer it to getting whipped, any time.
All of that means everything when Steve actually praises him. Setsuna's cheeks warmed and colored over with red at the words.
"Proud of me...?" He couldn't verbalize much else, stunned.
"Setsuna . . ." He could understand, oddly enough. Steve understood almost all of Setsuna's little quirks, even if he didn't approve of them. People got fucked up, people developed weird coping mechanisms. And worst of all, children were sometimes conditioned to be fucked up by those that were meant to protect them.
Steve leaned in and rested his forehead against Setsuna's, one hand cupping the back of the kid's head gently, "I can't make any promises kiddo, but I'll remember what you said. Beating on you, for any reason, just seems so wrong. You're my baby brother Setsuna. The idea of hurting you, for any reason, won't ever be my first choice. But I'll remember. If it ever becomes necessary, I'll remember."
He sat back and smiled at the kid, "Yeah. I'm proud as hell of you Setsuna. All the time."
There were only three people Setsuna had felt regularly protected by before coming to Hell. Of course, none of them were there. As far as he was concerned, they had done their best. His parents, on the other hand, were a part of his life he tried not to waste much time dwelling on.
Forehead touching Steve's, Setsuna managed a little smile, even he looked down in the middle of their conversation.
"Don't do anything that feels wrong, to you," Setsuna wasted no time in suggesting, not wanting Steve doing anything that would devastate him. "I'm just saying, if it happens, you don't need to feel bad about it. I don't want you beating yourself up like last time."
He can't quite say much to hearing Steve's proud of him, so he just blushed and looked down again, instead.
"I won't Setsuna. But I'll remember what you said. Sometimes I find it easier to communicate with a fist myself, but I know that's not the correct way normal people interact. Doesn't change the way I feel about it though." He stroked Setsuna's hair, "I really do get it kid. We'll figure out what works for both of us eventually, and in the mean time, we'll try not to hurt each other too much, hmm?"
Steve just hugged the kid again, glad they were both safe and unharmed for once.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-12-18 06:17 am (UTC)clown, 2 mos. wiring door, 1 mo.
[It takes a while before Steve gets this answer as well, and it's telling Setsuna isn't offering to stop by and explain in person, because it would obviously be easier on him than using a phone.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-24 04:35 am (UTC)[When he wasn't so angry and hurt.]
--> to Action
Date: 2019-12-28 05:49 am (UTC)Setsuna didn't bother with much else in text, a little anxious at Steve's words. Granted, he knew this was never going to go too well, which was part of why he still didn't tell Steve about any of it, until now.
On top of everything, he couldn't find Kurai again, not sure what happened.
He tried to put a smile on his face he entered suite 3 and called out, "So...what kind of discussion were you thinking? Can I at least get a last meal first?" It was his attempt at humor, to deflect. It was either that, or get snotty, which was still likely.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-05 08:10 pm (UTC)"Sit. Eat. Then you can tell me all about the evil clown and the nut who thinks explosives are toys. And why you haven't bothered to mention any of it." He peered past Setsuna, the stern expressing slipping a little, "Hey, where's your friend? I thought you were bringing someone?"
no subject
Date: 2020-01-06 05:05 am (UTC)"I was joking. I'm not actually hungry," he admits as he looks guiltily at food, a little confused. It took some adjustment with his mind that insisted he should have a fist in his face, rather than the offer of food. This was Steve...Steve wasn't like that. It's in his softer tone of voice, the way his shoulder curl up around him when he sits, and no matter how many times his eyes stray, they always go back to watch Steve.
He did at least sit and pulled the tea close to his body. He cupped his hands around the mug, taking in the heat.
"There's not much to talk about. The clown just feels wrong to me. He hasn't done anything, though. And the other guy was putting explosives in his door, so I left. I haven't been staying there, so I'm definitely not taking any friend of mine there," Setsuna explained, until Steve's question. He looked down into his mug and sighed.
"I couldn't find her when I went back. Probably for the best. I hope she's somewhere better. At least back home."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-17 04:26 am (UTC)Then Setsuna mentioned the disappearance of his friend and all the rest went to the wayside. He reached out and ran a hand through the boy's hair, concern all over his face, "What do you mean baby? She just walked away, or . . . or she's not in the hotel anymore?"
no subject
Date: 2020-01-17 07:37 am (UTC)Instinctively, Setsuna leaned his head into the feel of a hand through his hair. It still conjured up memories of Kira, but he was starting to accept the gesture from other people. His mood was already low.
"She's not here," Setsuna said, and managed a little smile. "I hope that means she's someplace better."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-19 05:16 am (UTC)"I'm sorry kiddo. I'm so sorry . . ."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-19 11:49 am (UTC)As for Kurai.... Kurai vanishing wasn't what hurt Setsuna. Sure, he missed her, but the last thing he ever wanted for her was for her to be in Hell, especially this one.
To Steve's apology, he looked up, confused, and asked, "What are you sorry for?"
no subject
Date: 2020-01-19 11:29 pm (UTC)"I'm sorry your friend left sweetheart. I mean, I realize the bigger picture is that she went home, but that doesn't make it any easier to not even be able to say goodbye. I'm sorry you're sad Setsuna."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-20 10:15 pm (UTC)Eyes big and confused, he looks up at Steve and shakes his head.
"I'm not really sad about that, though. I'd much rather Kurai not be here, at all. I'll see her again when I get out," Setsuna points out, still convinced it would happen one day.
"...I was more afraid I upset you."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-20 11:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-01-21 02:01 am (UTC)"Sorry.... Just, I didn't know you that well, at first," Setsuna said. Even if it was an excuse, it was the truth. "And then I didn't say anything because I didn't want to worry you. I thought I could handle it on my own."
He swallowed after, and his eyes trailed to the side as he added, "The longer it went on, and I didn't say anything, then I was scared you were gonna yell at me."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-27 07:21 am (UTC)"You know, even if I yell sometimes, I'll never love you any less. And I'd never hurt you kiddo. I want to help you. I want you to be safe and happy always. A little cheesy I guess, but it's still what I wish I could help you find."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-31 03:31 am (UTC)Eyes downcast, with a sigh, Setsuna added, "And I definitely didn't want you to worry."
As for everything else, cheesy, maybe, but the comfort of someone so close, caring so much, Setsuna latched onto it, desperate for the love that Steve offered him.
"It's okay if you yell," Setsuna said, eyes looking up, sincere. "I deserve it sometimes. Getting scolded, or smacked. It's really okay."
no subject
Date: 2020-02-20 08:44 am (UTC)"I am proud of you Setsuna. You kept yourself in one piece, and I know you've been helping other people too. All when you were dealing with this stuff and keeping it a secret. I don't approve of the keeping secrets part, but you did good kiddo. Keeping yourself alive is a pretty impressive feat." One he wished the kid didn't have to be an expert at.
cw: very confused outlook on abuse and seeing it as necessary
Date: 2020-02-23 11:35 pm (UTC)He meant every bit of it, despite his own frustration. He'd rather Steve hit him than stay angry at him, or be stressed out because of anything he did.
As for the spanking, truly, Setsuna had barely registered the act at the time, and while he felt embarrassed because of his age, he felt he had more than earned it. Scaring Steve as he had, he didn't mind the act if it meant Steve wasn't freaking out. And if that was the only way Steve could express himself? Setsuna could never hold it against him, and would prefer it to getting whipped, any time.
All of that means everything when Steve actually praises him. Setsuna's cheeks warmed and colored over with red at the words.
"Proud of me...?" He couldn't verbalize much else, stunned.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-06 03:42 am (UTC)Steve leaned in and rested his forehead against Setsuna's, one hand cupping the back of the kid's head gently, "I can't make any promises kiddo, but I'll remember what you said. Beating on you, for any reason, just seems so wrong. You're my baby brother Setsuna. The idea of hurting you, for any reason, won't ever be my first choice. But I'll remember. If it ever becomes necessary, I'll remember."
He sat back and smiled at the kid, "Yeah. I'm proud as hell of you Setsuna. All the time."
Want to wrap this one up?
Date: 2020-03-07 04:18 pm (UTC)Forehead touching Steve's, Setsuna managed a little smile, even he looked down in the middle of their conversation.
"Don't do anything that feels wrong, to you," Setsuna wasted no time in suggesting, not wanting Steve doing anything that would devastate him. "I'm just saying, if it happens, you don't need to feel bad about it. I don't want you beating yourself up like last time."
He can't quite say much to hearing Steve's proud of him, so he just blushed and looked down again, instead.
sure!
Date: 2020-03-10 12:04 am (UTC)Steve just hugged the kid again, glad they were both safe and unharmed for once.