[He wanted to throw the pan across the room. He wanted to rip out the stove and fling that as well, then the rest of the appliances and cabinets and everything else he could reach. What Steve did was finish cooking and slide the food onto a plate, setting the pan in the sink afterwards. Destroying his and Bucky's home wouldn't solve any problems, and he wouldn't even feel better after he finished.
Steve braced his hands on the counter, still not looking at Bucky.]
I can't be objective about this Buck. I can't. I know what you said makes sense, and in any other situation I'd just worry about you being safe but agree it was necessary. But not with this. You just don't understand . . .
I'm not asking you to be. I'm not asking you to be okay with it.
I'm doing because if I don't? They'll keep targeting us, and we'll never be able to see it coming. We won't be able to fight back.
[Bucky's eyes widen a little as he finally realizes - if he's on the inside, they can't target him. He doesn't want them targeting anyone he cares about, either, but he's actually safer doing this. As long as he's not caught.]
[Steve whipped around, agony on his face. He was shouting but he couldn't seem to stop.]
I don't want you to know what they did Bucky! I don't want those pictures in your head! I don't want to find you after they decide you're a traitor either! These creatures aren't human! They're monsters Bucky! They take joy in torturing and killing!
[He turned away again, fists clenched. All he wanted to do was destroy something, to get the rage and the pain out for a little while, but trashing their suite wouldn't help anything and Bucky might get hurt if he lost himself. Or if the man tried to stop him.]
Which is why they need to be stopped. And this is the only way I could think of to stop them.
[With Steve's rising temper, Bucky could feel his own start to bubble over. His voice wasn't quite the level of Steve's, but it started to get louder.]
If you've got another way? I'm listening. I'm more than happy to do anything else, but I'm going to stop them.
[Yelling at Bucky only make him feel a little guilty. It was a sort of outlet, to scream at someone. And in lots of ways the man deserved it. Steve lunged across the room, stopping less than a foot in front of Bucky as he shouted.]
How could you do it Buck!? You didn't even tell me! You didn't even ask! You just risked your life, your god damned soul! Didn't you think about the consequences!?
[Bucky couldn't yell any longer, not after hearing that. This wasn't the Steve he knew. He knew the Order had clearly done something to Steve, but no, he didn't know the extent of it. This gave him a mild idea it was horrible.]
Of course I didn't. Because I don't care about the consequences, Steve. Saving everyone else is important, and I'll be fine.
[The quiet words cut like knives. Yelling had been something close to cathartic, but only if Bucky was shouting back. Those soft words killed him. All the rage went out of him and Steve reached for Bucky, desperate.]
Bucky you can't! I can't lose you! I can't let them catch you and . . . and . . .
You're walking into the lion's den Bucky! If they find you out, killing you will be a blessing! Why can't someone else be the sacrificial lamb? Why does it have to be you?
[Steve caught the man by the shoulders and squeezed them, pleading shamelessly.]
Please Bucky. There's nothing in that monstrosity to save, just more beings who want to cause pain and destruction. If we just start hunting them, we can thin the herd enough to force a confrontation! We can do it Buck! We can take them!
They'll find you out and hurt you dammit! They'll string you up with barbed hooks in your shoulders and hips! they'll bleed you! They'll cut out pieces and leave gaping wounds and you won't die Buck! You'll just suffer forever! They'll steal you away and keep you from everyone! Why can't you believe me!?
[It was killing him, knowing what the order had done to others, what they'd done to him. If they discovered Bucky . . .]
Then I won't let them find out! [Bucky's voice rose on that one, frustration building.]
Why can't you at least let me try? [Because Steve sounded like he spoke from experience, and if that was the case, Bucky can't allow him to get caught again.]
[Steve spun away and put a few steps between them, hands opening and closing as he trembled with the need to destroy something. He didn't, but it was a real battle. The anger and the fear were overwhelming and he had to get a grip.]
I can't lose you Buck! I can't go through that again! I can't watch someone I love get tortured! I can't lose you!
[Steve's reaction should have been indication Bucky should keep his distance, but instead, he walked to close the distance between them.]
I'm not going to get caught and tortured. You're not going to lose me.
[At least if Bucky was tortured, he would still be alive. Telling Steve had clearly been a mistake. And all he wanted to do was inform Steve, tell him, not shut him out.]
[Feeling the man close in on him made Steve whip around, backing up into the wall to keep his distance.]
They caught me Bucky! They caught me and hurt me and I still have nightmares and flashbacks! They hurt so many people . . . They'll hurt you too dammit! You think I wanna see that? You think I want you to know what that's like up close and personal? I know you wanna help but it's too dangerous!
"No!" Steve slashed his arm through the arm, not aiming to hit Bucky, just unable to stay still, "Dammit Buck no!" His eyes were pleading, voice broken.
"Haven't we been through enough!? Haven't we fought and lost more than most people? Don't we deserve a little happiness!?" He shook his head, "I know this is hell and all we do is suffer, but you're here! You're here and I can touch you!" Steve reached for Bucky, tears in his eyes, "Don't we deserve to be just a little selfish? Just once?"
Bucky worried his bottom lip, sucked it in and bit on it while Steve talked. A pained look flickered across his face.
"Of course we do. You, above everyone, deserve to be selfish," he promised Steve, reaching out to take his face in his hands.
"But I can't.... I can't just stand by and watch things happen when I might be able to do something about it." There was a pained note in Bucky's voice, something tight and uncomfortable. "I feel like you used to get that. You of all people should know what that's like."
He wasn't sure when they diverged from that path, but he can't go down that direction, not when it could endanger everyone he cares about, and especially Steve. To protect him, to keep him safe, Bucky would be whatever he has to be.
He turned his face into Bucky's hands, kissing the man's palms as he fought tears, "I wanna help people too Buck, but not like this. Not where you risk everything. It's not like what we normally do! They don't wanna fight, they wanna take prisoners. It's not a straight forward battle!"
Steve didn't want anyone to suffer, but he couldn't stand the idea of Bucky getting caught and tortured. He'd lose his mind and then everyone would be at risk. Why couldn't the man understand that? "There's other things we can do Buck! So many other ways to help!"
Bucky was, without fail, far more direct. This is exactly the sort of operation that he's weak at, but it didn't matter. He hated to see Steve so upset, so worried, but he couldn't just give up, either.
"This is the only way I can help right now, Steve. Please."
Dissolving into tears sounded really good at the moment, but he didn't. He fisted his hands in the man's shirt, hanging on tight as he buried his face in Bucky's shoulder. It was a long moment before he managed to find his voice.
"I can't stop you. I can plead with you, but I can't stop you." He lifted his head to meet Bucky;s eyes, "Come back to me. Promise. Promise you'll come back."
He almost laughed, a little of the anguish lifting from his eyes, "Yeah, but you don't always remember me. Try not to forget again, ok? And call me Buck. If you need an out, call me. I'll be there in a heartbeat."
Steve didn't try to avoid Bucky's mouth, though for a moment her was stiff. Then he was pulled Bucky close and kissing back hard. When they broke apart he had tears in his eyes, but Steve didn't plan to let them fall.
"Just come back to me. I can't lose you again." He would never agree that Bucky should be the one playing spy, but he also wouldn't try to tie the man to a chair, which he knew wouldn't work. If he didn't have so many problems with everything related to the Order, Steve would be out there doing the same thing. But he couldn't be objective and he knew he'd never be able to pull anything off. He'd never forgive himself if Bucky got hurt though.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 07:39 pm (UTC)Steve braced his hands on the counter, still not looking at Bucky.]
I can't be objective about this Buck. I can't. I know what you said makes sense, and in any other situation I'd just worry about you being safe but agree it was necessary. But not with this. You just don't understand . . .
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 03:10 pm (UTC)I'm doing because if I don't? They'll keep targeting us, and we'll never be able to see it coming. We won't be able to fight back.
[Bucky's eyes widen a little as he finally realizes - if he's on the inside, they can't target him. He doesn't want them targeting anyone he cares about, either, but he's actually safer doing this. As long as he's not caught.]
Help me understand.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 09:31 pm (UTC)[Steve whipped around, agony on his face. He was shouting but he couldn't seem to stop.]
I don't want you to know what they did Bucky! I don't want those pictures in your head! I don't want to find you after they decide you're a traitor either! These creatures aren't human! They're monsters Bucky! They take joy in torturing and killing!
[He turned away again, fists clenched. All he wanted to do was destroy something, to get the rage and the pain out for a little while, but trashing their suite wouldn't help anything and Bucky might get hurt if he lost himself. Or if the man tried to stop him.]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 09:35 pm (UTC)[With Steve's rising temper, Bucky could feel his own start to bubble over. His voice wasn't quite the level of Steve's, but it started to get louder.]
If you've got another way? I'm listening. I'm more than happy to do anything else, but I'm going to stop them.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 10:22 pm (UTC)[Yelling at Bucky only make him feel a little guilty. It was a sort of outlet, to scream at someone. And in lots of ways the man deserved it. Steve lunged across the room, stopping less than a foot in front of Bucky as he shouted.]
How could you do it Buck!? You didn't even tell me! You didn't even ask! You just risked your life, your god damned soul! Didn't you think about the consequences!?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-05 12:05 am (UTC)[Bucky couldn't yell any longer, not after hearing that. This wasn't the Steve he knew. He knew the Order had clearly done something to Steve, but no, he didn't know the extent of it. This gave him a mild idea it was horrible.]
Of course I didn't. Because I don't care about the consequences, Steve. Saving everyone else is important, and I'll be fine.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-05 12:29 am (UTC)Bucky you can't! I can't lose you! I can't let them catch you and . . . and . . .
no subject
Date: 2023-07-05 01:06 am (UTC)[He insisted. Bucky didn't want to get caught, or killed, or harmed. He just wanted to help.]
I promise. And I meant it. If you have another way, tell me. I'll do whatever it takes.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-05 02:20 am (UTC)[Steve caught the man by the shoulders and squeezed them, pleading shamelessly.]
Please Bucky. There's nothing in that monstrosity to save, just more beings who want to cause pain and destruction. If we just start hunting them, we can thin the herd enough to force a confrontation! We can do it Buck! We can take them!
no subject
Date: 2023-07-12 02:19 am (UTC)[Why not him? That's the way Bucky sees it. He didn't answer Steve's question, knowing he'll hate the answer.]
torture talk and possible triggers?
Date: 2023-07-20 12:31 am (UTC)[It was killing him, knowing what the order had done to others, what they'd done to him. If they discovered Bucky . . .]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-28 01:35 am (UTC)Why can't you at least let me try? [Because Steve sounded like he spoke from experience, and if that was the case, Bucky can't allow him to get caught again.]
Better me than you, again!
no subject
Date: 2023-07-30 11:37 pm (UTC)[Steve spun away and put a few steps between them, hands opening and closing as he trembled with the need to destroy something. He didn't, but it was a real battle. The anger and the fear were overwhelming and he had to get a grip.]
I can't lose you Buck! I can't go through that again! I can't watch someone I love get tortured! I can't lose you!
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 12:17 am (UTC)I'm not going to get caught and tortured. You're not going to lose me.
[At least if Bucky was tortured, he would still be alive. Telling Steve had clearly been a mistake. And all he wanted to do was inform Steve, tell him, not shut him out.]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 12:51 am (UTC)They caught me Bucky! They caught me and hurt me and I still have nightmares and flashbacks! They hurt so many people . . . They'll hurt you too dammit! You think I wanna see that? You think I want you to know what that's like up close and personal? I know you wanna help but it's too dangerous!
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 02:26 am (UTC)"Don't I have every right to make sure I give them back what they gave you." It wasn't really a question.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 02:49 am (UTC)"Haven't we been through enough!? Haven't we fought and lost more than most people? Don't we deserve a little happiness!?" He shook his head, "I know this is hell and all we do is suffer, but you're here! You're here and I can touch you!" Steve reached for Bucky, tears in his eyes, "Don't we deserve to be just a little selfish? Just once?"
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 05:51 pm (UTC)"Of course we do. You, above everyone, deserve to be selfish," he promised Steve, reaching out to take his face in his hands.
"But I can't.... I can't just stand by and watch things happen when I might be able to do something about it." There was a pained note in Bucky's voice, something tight and uncomfortable. "I feel like you used to get that. You of all people should know what that's like."
He wasn't sure when they diverged from that path, but he can't go down that direction, not when it could endanger everyone he cares about, and especially Steve. To protect him, to keep him safe, Bucky would be whatever he has to be.
"Steve, please, let me do this?"
no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 09:48 pm (UTC)Steve didn't want anyone to suffer, but he couldn't stand the idea of Bucky getting caught and tortured. He'd lose his mind and then everyone would be at risk. Why couldn't the man understand that? "There's other things we can do Buck! So many other ways to help!"
no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 10:40 pm (UTC)"This is the only way I can help right now, Steve. Please."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 10:51 pm (UTC)"I can't stop you. I can plead with you, but I can't stop you." He lifted his head to meet Bucky;s eyes, "Come back to me. Promise. Promise you'll come back."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 11:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-08-06 11:37 pm (UTC)Wrap?
Date: 2023-08-07 12:00 am (UTC)"I will." So he said. The chance Bucky would put Steve into the same danger he was in, not very likely.
He leaned in to take a kiss, if Steve would allow it.
yup!
Date: 2023-08-07 12:23 am (UTC)"Just come back to me. I can't lose you again." He would never agree that Bucky should be the one playing spy, but he also wouldn't try to tie the man to a chair, which he knew wouldn't work. If he didn't have so many problems with everything related to the Order, Steve would be out there doing the same thing. But he couldn't be objective and he knew he'd never be able to pull anything off. He'd never forgive himself if Bucky got hurt though.