[Steve was smiling. Those were good men to be watching over Suzaku. He didn't know Noah, but he was probably a good man too. It actually made him feel a little less worried about the kid knowing he had those two for roomies.]
I don't know Noah, but Peter and Geralt are great. You should really look out for Peter though. He can talk your ear off if you're not careful. And Geralt can scare off anyone with just a look. Good men to have at your back.
Peter does seem very friendly. We have only spoken a couple of times. [And truthfully it was Peter doing most of the talking, but Suzaku could be polite at least.]
I spoke to Geralt in the hospital. Me and Noah have been roommates for longer but he has friends elsewhere that he spends much of his time with. [Rather than spending time in the suite. Not that Suzaku can judge, he spent little time there himself.]
I do, yeah. Peter's seriously sweet. If you need a man at your back, Peter's an excellent choice. And Geralt is . . . very quiet. And interesting as hell. But he's hard to draw out. I bet you have better luck than I do.
"I am not sure. But I did learn he misses his horse." It's the only thing he knows about the man. He took another bite of food, falling quiet as he watched Steve.
Someone else he knew far less about than he should.
"Yeah. He does love that horse. We've chatted about her a time or two." Steve couldn't get over the horse. It was so human and sweet. It made him like Geralt even more honestly.
"Peter though. If you need help, you can trust him. He'll try to help no matter what it is."
He nodded, taking another bite of the food. He had gotten that from Peter, even if they had only had a short conversation. Someone who would try to help.
Much like Steve himself. He looked at him, his husband and then down at his food, not sure what to say. Perhaps he should have figured out what he was going to say before turning up at the mans door...
Trying to keep things normal with Suzaku was . . . difficult. The kid gave him so little, and he understood why, at least in general. Suzaku had been abused and probably tortured, definitely misused, and he had no one back home. Steve hoped he had people in the hotel, but he wasn't positive his hopes were real. If only he could get the guy to open up!
They ate in silence for a bit, "Suzaku? You haven't asked about the ah . . . marriage."
The food was good even if the silence was a little awkward. He knew that was his fault. After all Steve was so friendly, it was hard to think of him struggling for conversation with others.
He looked up with big green eyes when Steve brought up the very thing that Suzaku had not managed to. "No. I... I'd been wondering about it. I know that I'm not exactly..." He frowned, shook his head slightly.
He reached over to touch the kid's hand lightly. Suzaku put up with being touched, but he didn't seem to crave it, or enjoy it. That was another problem Steve just hadn't had the time or the desire to try and poke at. There were so many ways it could go wrong . . .
"It's a little odd. Although back home you'd be old enough to marry if you really wanted to. I suppose I just expected you'd want to get it dissolved. So you didn't have any . . . obligations." Like coming to dinner.
"I didn't think you would want that." He didn't move his hand, looking down at their hands silently. Honestly he couldn't figure out what Steve would want. Suzaku can't imagine him wanting to be married to Suzaku but...
But talking to the man was perhaps the first step he should have taken. Even if his absence for so long wasn't exactly his choice.
It was hard to leave his hand in place and stay calm. The last thing he wanted was for Suzaku to think he was talking about sex, because he would never force that on someone. Ever.
"I mean, a little platonic time together would be nice. I've always liked you Suzaku, but you've never given the impression you'd want something intimate." With anyone as far as he could tell. Steve had never heard even a whisper of the kid being romantic with someone. Not that he spent a lot of time asking questions like that . . . He sighed at Suzaku's question, studying him.
He sat calmly, wearing a mask of calm is almost second nature to him, his uncomfort is only shown in the way he stares at their hands, too intently.
And the blush that rose on his face. But mostly it is guilt. He likes Steve. The man has been nothing but kind to him since the moment they met and really, that's part of the problem.
He's too nice, nice in a way that Suzaku doesn't deserve and so it's hard to accept anything. It feels like taking advantage.
But did he want the marriage dissolved? Did he want to be married to Steve? He doesn't know. Honestly. If Steve had suggested he didn't want to be stuck with him he would have agreed to dissolve it in a heartbeat but it doesn't seem that Steve does want that.
"I don't know." It's complicated. It's gotten a lot more complicated these last month or so. "I apologise... If you got the impression..."
He looked up, trying for some confidence at least. "I'm not very good. At intimacy."
Steve smiled at the boy, "Really? I never would have guessed." It was a gentle tease, but the smile faded quickly, "Suzaku, can we talk? Seriously I mean. Would it be prying if I asked more about your life? You can ask me the same . . ."
Whether they stayed married or not, but wanted to be there for the boy. He wanted to help. Steve just didn't know how.
"What happened Suzaku? I know a little about your life, but what happened? Who hurt you so badly that you can't allow yourself to reach out at all?"
It killed him to ask it, but he had to know. Steve needed the history so he could try harder to help. If he'd even be allowed to see the kid going forward.
The question is a hard one. Not because it was hard to talk about but because there really wasn't an answer. Not an easy answer. Not an answer he could give Steve and it explain everything.
"I wouldn't say anyone hurt me... I hurt people." Steve knows that, Suzaku has hurt Steve, hurt Bucky. But it's still not easy to talk about.
Not at all. It's never easy to look someone in the eye and shatter their concept of him as a person worth... anything.
"I'm a murderer Steve. I've killed... Millions. I don't have anyone I am close to who I have not hurt. I don't want..." He sat even stiffer, formality worn as armour.
Steve managed to stay quiet. Barely. He wanted to protest that no one had hurt Suzaku. The kid was a walking wound! But it was obvious Suzaku didn't see it that way. For some unknown reason, the boy seemed to think he deserved that sort of treatment, that he was unworthy of kindness and caring. It broke Steve's heart. That kind of systematic abuse was a horror all it's own.
The confession to killing millions hurt too. Just what did they have him do in the military that he could kills millions? Even Steve couldn't claim that many lives, just many many thousands. He took one of Suzaku's hands, knowing the boy would let him but get no comfort from the touch. Nearly everything about Suzaku was heartbreaking . . .
"I don't mind being hurt if it means we can be closer Suzaku. Those we love always have the power to hurt us, even if they don't mean to. Sometimes especially then. I just wish I could help you."
"You do." It's more honest than he perhaps would be normally. But it is the truth. He has no idea why Steve had forgiven him. He understands less why Steve hasn't already gone about dissolving their marriage. "You have been nothing but kind to me."
From the moment Suzaku had arrived in hell. Steve had extended his friendship, his care and Suzaku could barely match that. He only brought pain, at the very least he caused Steve a headache. Even now he wished he could help Suzaku.
As if Suzaku deserved his help. As if he were worthy of it. Suzaku was meant to be dead. To live only behind a mask. His happiness for his world. Instead he was in hell and it fit him, a place of eternal punishment.
That all made sense. People like Steve did not. "I don't know... how to be who you want me to be."
"But it's not enough!" His words were full of anguish and he clung to that hand. Steve would have preferred to yank Suzaku into his arms, but the kid didn't look for things like that. Physical comfort seemed to be a foreign concept to Suzaku and it baffled Steve. He tried so hard to dig deeper, to find the cause so he could help it heal, but the boy gave him so little . . .
And it wasn't Suzaku's fault! Steve didn't blame the boy! But he also couldn't seem to do a damn thing to help, and that killed him. He cupped Suzaku's cheek with his free hand, leaning in until their foreheads touched, "Suzaku, I don't need you to be someone else, I just . . . I just want to help you be happier. To not hurt so much. You seem so lonely . . ." From Steve's perspective at least. It just killed him.
Hearing the anguish in Steve's voice was painful, hearing him believe it was not enough was worse. Suzaku knew that he was not the best as expressing how he felt, but had he fallen so far? So far that someone couldn't even tell when they had helped him, when they had been kinder to him than anyone ever should.
His forehead touched Steve's and he kept hold of his hand, not flinching or moving away from the touch. "You do." He told him quietly. "You do make me happier. I am sorry I am not good at expressing that."
Terrible at showing it, but despite the obvious torture his life here in hell was a lot less lonely, a lot less isolating than his life back in his world. Because of people like Steve who didn't give up, even when Suzaku tried to withdraw.
But he's at a loss as to how to make Steve see that.
"Do I? I can't tell Suzaku. It's not your fault, but I can't tell . . ."
Being allowed to stay close to the kid was a gift he took full advantage of. Steve couldn't help his need to try and fix things and people. It was too ingrained in who he was. Suzaku seemed so broken to him, so unhappy, lonely and just . . . just broken. But he had no clue what to do to help. Or even if Suzaku wanted help. Had he actually ever asked? Was he really being selfless in his quest to fix the kid, or was he just being selfish in assuming there was an issue to start with? Maybe Suzaku liked being the way he was . . .
"You do..." His voice dropped as low as Steve's. He really had messed this up. No surprise. Suzaku had never been good at friendship. Never minds something like marriage. He had known he would end up hurting Steve, from the moment their names had been caused.
Someone such as him couldn't be married, not when he only brought pain to those around him.
"How... How can I show you?" He didn't look stoic and confident right now, his mask dropped as he kept his head pressed to Steve. He looks unsure, every part a young broken knight at loss for how to make this situation better.
Steve just stroked the boy's cheek, "Talk to me? I know you find it hard. I know something happened back home Suzaku, something beyond intolerable. Something that changed you." Because he couldn't imagine the kid had never smiled, never laughed. Never been happy.
"I don't know what happened Suzaku, and I won't ask you. I wish you'd tell me on your own one day, but I won't push. But it makes it hard for me to know if what I do is good or not. You're so reserved. It's not bad! You're welcome to be any way you want! But I can't read you very well." He chewed his lip, "I know you don't much like being touched either, but you endure it for me. I appreciate that." It also didn't make him stop.
It's not that he doesn't want to tell him, it's just that there is so much and nothing at all. No one thing separated a Suzaku whose smiles came easily to one whose didn't. More it was a build up of war and sorrow. His own sins and crimes chipping away at him until the hard armour he cloaked himself in became part of him, until the boy who believed in justice and wanted to save Japan had been pushed down so many times he no longer stood back up.
But none of that is a moment, none of that is something he can vocalise, none of it is one thing that Steve can fix. Suzaku is a man who should no longer exist, a man who should exist hidden behind a mask, serving the world he so betrayed. But instead he had been dragged to hell and....
Here he was. "I don't mind you touching me."
It's an easier subject, much easier to navigate. "You can touch me whenever you like."
He had been trying to show that, since they married, the couple of times they had spend time together since then, but it was probably best to speak it, to make it clear.
He chuckled and finally let his hands fall away, "I touch you even when all you do is tense up Suzaku. But I appreciate the permission. And I hope you get something from it. Some kind of comfort. It's meant to make you feel better, to let you know I care. And I do care Suzaku. Marriage or not, I care."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-10-03 07:43 pm (UTC)[Steve was smiling. Those were good men to be watching over Suzaku. He didn't know Noah, but he was probably a good man too. It actually made him feel a little less worried about the kid knowing he had those two for roomies.]
I don't know Noah, but Peter and Geralt are great. You should really look out for Peter though. He can talk your ear off if you're not careful. And Geralt can scare off anyone with just a look. Good men to have at your back.
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Date: 2021-10-04 03:30 am (UTC)I spoke to Geralt in the hospital. Me and Noah have been roommates for longer but he has friends elsewhere that he spends much of his time with. [Rather than spending time in the suite. Not that Suzaku can judge, he spent little time there himself.]
You know Peter and Geralt?
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Date: 2021-10-08 02:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-08 05:38 pm (UTC)Someone else he knew far less about than he should.
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Date: 2021-10-16 05:22 am (UTC)"Peter though. If you need help, you can trust him. He'll try to help no matter what it is."
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Date: 2021-10-17 03:34 pm (UTC)Much like Steve himself. He looked at him, his husband and then down at his food, not sure what to say. Perhaps he should have figured out what he was going to say before turning up at the mans door...
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Date: 2021-10-18 01:15 am (UTC)They ate in silence for a bit, "Suzaku? You haven't asked about the ah . . . marriage."
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Date: 2021-10-18 03:45 am (UTC)He looked up with big green eyes when Steve brought up the very thing that Suzaku had not managed to. "No. I... I'd been wondering about it. I know that I'm not exactly..." He frowned, shook his head slightly.
"It must be strange for you to be married to me."
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Date: 2021-10-25 01:52 am (UTC)"It's a little odd. Although back home you'd be old enough to marry if you really wanted to. I suppose I just expected you'd want to get it dissolved. So you didn't have any . . . obligations." Like coming to dinner.
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Date: 2021-10-25 03:58 am (UTC)But talking to the man was perhaps the first step he should have taken. Even if his absence for so long wasn't exactly his choice.
"Do you wish to dissolve the marriage?"
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Date: 2021-10-30 08:33 am (UTC)"I mean, a little platonic time together would be nice. I've always liked you Suzaku, but you've never given the impression you'd want something intimate." With anyone as far as he could tell. Steve had never heard even a whisper of the kid being romantic with someone. Not that he spent a lot of time asking questions like that . . . He sighed at Suzaku's question, studying him.
"Do you?"
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Date: 2021-10-30 10:03 am (UTC)And the blush that rose on his face. But mostly it is guilt. He likes Steve. The man has been nothing but kind to him since the moment they met and really, that's part of the problem.
He's too nice, nice in a way that Suzaku doesn't deserve and so it's hard to accept anything. It feels like taking advantage.
But did he want the marriage dissolved? Did he want to be married to Steve? He doesn't know. Honestly. If Steve had suggested he didn't want to be stuck with him he would have agreed to dissolve it in a heartbeat but it doesn't seem that Steve does want that.
"I don't know." It's complicated. It's gotten a lot more complicated these last month or so. "I apologise... If you got the impression..."
He looked up, trying for some confidence at least. "I'm not very good. At intimacy."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-02 12:38 am (UTC)Whether they stayed married or not, but wanted to be there for the boy. He wanted to help. Steve just didn't know how.
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Date: 2021-11-02 05:23 am (UTC)"It wouldn't be prying. I can answer your questions."
And ask his own.
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Date: 2021-11-14 02:26 am (UTC)It killed him to ask it, but he had to know. Steve needed the history so he could try harder to help. If he'd even be allowed to see the kid going forward.
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Date: 2021-11-14 08:51 am (UTC)"I wouldn't say anyone hurt me... I hurt people." Steve knows that, Suzaku has hurt Steve, hurt Bucky. But it's still not easy to talk about.
Not at all. It's never easy to look someone in the eye and shatter their concept of him as a person worth... anything.
"I'm a murderer Steve. I've killed... Millions. I don't have anyone I am close to who I have not hurt. I don't want..." He sat even stiffer, formality worn as armour.
"I don't want to hurt you."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 05:32 pm (UTC)The confession to killing millions hurt too. Just what did they have him do in the military that he could kills millions? Even Steve couldn't claim that many lives, just many many thousands. He took one of Suzaku's hands, knowing the boy would let him but get no comfort from the touch. Nearly everything about Suzaku was heartbreaking . . .
"I don't mind being hurt if it means we can be closer Suzaku. Those we love always have the power to hurt us, even if they don't mean to. Sometimes especially then. I just wish I could help you."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 08:09 pm (UTC)From the moment Suzaku had arrived in hell. Steve had extended his friendship, his care and Suzaku could barely match that. He only brought pain, at the very least he caused Steve a headache. Even now he wished he could help Suzaku.
As if Suzaku deserved his help. As if he were worthy of it. Suzaku was meant to be dead. To live only behind a mask. His happiness for his world. Instead he was in hell and it fit him, a place of eternal punishment.
That all made sense. People like Steve did not. "I don't know... how to be who you want me to be."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-25 04:50 am (UTC)And it wasn't Suzaku's fault! Steve didn't blame the boy! But he also couldn't seem to do a damn thing to help, and that killed him. He cupped Suzaku's cheek with his free hand, leaning in until their foreheads touched, "Suzaku, I don't need you to be someone else, I just . . . I just want to help you be happier. To not hurt so much. You seem so lonely . . ." From Steve's perspective at least. It just killed him.
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Date: 2021-11-25 05:13 am (UTC)His forehead touched Steve's and he kept hold of his hand, not flinching or moving away from the touch. "You do." He told him quietly. "You do make me happier. I am sorry I am not good at expressing that."
Terrible at showing it, but despite the obvious torture his life here in hell was a lot less lonely, a lot less isolating than his life back in his world. Because of people like Steve who didn't give up, even when Suzaku tried to withdraw.
But he's at a loss as to how to make Steve see that.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-26 09:52 pm (UTC)Being allowed to stay close to the kid was a gift he took full advantage of. Steve couldn't help his need to try and fix things and people. It was too ingrained in who he was. Suzaku seemed so broken to him, so unhappy, lonely and just . . . just broken. But he had no clue what to do to help. Or even if Suzaku wanted help. Had he actually ever asked? Was he really being selfless in his quest to fix the kid, or was he just being selfish in assuming there was an issue to start with? Maybe Suzaku liked being the way he was . . .
no subject
Date: 2021-11-27 09:16 am (UTC)Someone such as him couldn't be married, not when he only brought pain to those around him.
"How... How can I show you?" He didn't look stoic and confident right now, his mask dropped as he kept his head pressed to Steve. He looks unsure, every part a young broken knight at loss for how to make this situation better.
But wishing to try.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-20 03:55 am (UTC)"I don't know what happened Suzaku, and I won't ask you. I wish you'd tell me on your own one day, but I won't push. But it makes it hard for me to know if what I do is good or not. You're so reserved. It's not bad! You're welcome to be any way you want! But I can't read you very well." He chewed his lip, "I know you don't much like being touched either, but you endure it for me. I appreciate that." It also didn't make him stop.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-20 05:58 am (UTC)But none of that is a moment, none of that is something he can vocalise, none of it is one thing that Steve can fix. Suzaku is a man who should no longer exist, a man who should exist hidden behind a mask, serving the world he so betrayed. But instead he had been dragged to hell and....
Here he was. "I don't mind you touching me."
It's an easier subject, much easier to navigate. "You can touch me whenever you like."
He had been trying to show that, since they married, the couple of times they had spend time together since then, but it was probably best to speak it, to make it clear.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-25 03:34 am (UTC)begin to wrap?
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