I'm glad you have those memories Suzaku. I'm so happy you had that connection with someone. I just wish I could help you find something similar.
[Maybe if he could find someone that Suzaku connected to like that, the kid would be able to relax. To enjoy life between the hellish things the hotel did to them. Steve couldn't help thinking his young friend was miserable, even if he didn't say so.]
I have friends here. [It's almost defensive. He has connections.
Maybe not as strong and complete as that long ago summer, but he was not ten years old anymore. The world with all the pain, war and suffering had changed him, as it had changed everyone.]
I... [He stared down at his food.] I care for you. [It's humiliating to have to spell it out, but Steve always required him to use words.
[He frowned at that, but he already knew that Steve thought him a far better person than he actually was.
Even after he had betrayed him and left him to die. Steve was very strange.
He blinked as his hand was taken, but squeezed back, nervously.]
You've always been very kind and... [He trailed off, figuring how best to put this. In a way that wouldn't be insulting.
And in a way that gets even a part of what he is feeling across.] I'm not a child, you're a soldier... I understand that better than I understand... I don't have much common with a lot of people my age. [Not that that prevented friendship, but...]
I'm sorry. I know you're an adult. I know you've been through wars. I just . . . You seem so young sometimes, so innocent. I know you don't really need to be protected. I know that. Hell, we've fought side by side before. But sometimes I just . . .
[He shook his head again. Sometimes he had trouble with words too.]
You seem so sad. You never really relax or smile or seem to have any fun. It makes me want to fix it somehow. So I treat you more like a kid, trying to coax you into something fun. Because I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry Suzaku. I'm sorry.
You have no need to apologise. [Why was this so difficult? He stared at his food again.
Steve had been one of the first people he had met in hell. His kindness had been confusing then and it still was. He always went out of his way to make sure Suzaku was comfortable and it was far far more than Suzaku deserved.
Especially when he clearly was so bad at reciprocating.]
I try... [He really did. That was why this was so frustrating. He tried his best to relax and be comfortable around Steve. He even thought he was doing an okay job.
No don't! It's not a lack in you Suzaku! It's me! I keep trying to change you instead of just letting you be! As long as you say you're happy, I should believe it. I shouldn't try to force my idea of happiness on you. I have no right.
I push things on you Suzaku. That's unfair of me. Completely unfair. I don't have the right to do that. And you don't deserve to be put in the position of always having to say no. I need to stop trying to force myself on you.
Very very rarely. In fact he can't remember the last time he'd refused Steve anything.
He hasn't really wanted to, it's not as if Steve asks for a lot. Company sometimes and someone to eat his food.
Had he made Steve feel like he was asking too much of him? That's...
Suzaku was never good at friends, he's never been friends long enough with someone for more subtle problems like this to occur. He's definitely never been married before...
"But you know you could, right? You know you can always tell me if something really bothers you? Or you have a better idea? Or if you just want something because you want it and you think I should be with you to share it. All of that's just fine! I'd love to do activities that you thought up, even if it's just sitting quietly in the same space!"
Just because someone didn't say no didn't mean the activity was enjoyed or welcome. Suzaku rarely seemed to have opinions and Steve just felt like the boy let himself get pushed around because he was too kind to say he didn't like something. That wasn't what Steve wanted, but he worried it was what happened.
"Really? You're not just saying that?" Because the kid had a habit of saying what Steve wanted to hear, even if it wasn't strictly the truth. It was the only thing about Suzaku that ever really frustrated him. He knew the kid wasn't good or confident with touching and being touched, and that he tended to be quiet more often than anything else. That was just the way Suzaku was. But the not speaking up thing . . .
"I expect you to say no to me at some point. And to come up with at least one activity on your own. And yeah, I realize I'm being hypocrite by telling you to do things after telling you not to let me boss you around." He was smiling when he said it, aware of just how ridiculous he sounded, "But I mean it Suzaku. Don't let me force you to do things, ok?"
He nodded, he really wasn't just saying it. He liked Steve, a lot. So he would try. To say no, to come up with an activity, to not be forced into anything.
Though truly he wasn't being. It was just that Steve's ideas were not exactly anything taxing or difficult for him.
And he'd try to. It would be hard for both of them honestly. Steve would always have the need to make suggestions and to try and to get Suzaku more involved, and the kid would always be more inclined to just go along and not argue or have many opinions. But they could both work on their flaws and that was what mattered.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
compelledtoprotect) wrote2019-05-05 04:31 am
no subject
[Maybe if he could find someone that Suzaku connected to like that, the kid would be able to relax. To enjoy life between the hellish things the hotel did to them. Steve couldn't help thinking his young friend was miserable, even if he didn't say so.]
no subject
Maybe not as strong and complete as that long ago summer, but he was not ten years old anymore. The world with all the pain, war and suffering had changed him, as it had changed everyone.]
I... [He stared down at his food.] I care for you. [It's humiliating to have to spell it out, but Steve always required him to use words.
As hard as those words may be.]
no subject
Good. You never talk about anyone, so I guess I wondered. I mean, you're so nice Suzaku. I just know people would like you if you gave them a chance.
[His heart broke and he reached for the boy's hand, squeezing it lightly.]
Oh Suzaku. I care about you too. You're family. I just . . . I just don't want to keep you from being happy somehow. I'm not exactly your age . . .
no subject
Even after he had betrayed him and left him to die. Steve was very strange.
He blinked as his hand was taken, but squeezed back, nervously.]
You've always been very kind and... [He trailed off, figuring how best to put this. In a way that wouldn't be insulting.
And in a way that gets even a part of what he is feeling across.] I'm not a child, you're a soldier... I understand that better than I understand... I don't have much common with a lot of people my age. [Not that that prevented friendship, but...]
no subject
I'm sorry. I know you're an adult. I know you've been through wars. I just . . . You seem so young sometimes, so innocent. I know you don't really need to be protected. I know that. Hell, we've fought side by side before. But sometimes I just . . .
[He shook his head again. Sometimes he had trouble with words too.]
You seem so sad. You never really relax or smile or seem to have any fun. It makes me want to fix it somehow. So I treat you more like a kid, trying to coax you into something fun. Because I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry Suzaku. I'm sorry.
no subject
Steve had been one of the first people he had met in hell. His kindness had been confusing then and it still was. He always went out of his way to make sure Suzaku was comfortable and it was far far more than Suzaku deserved.
Especially when he clearly was so bad at reciprocating.]
I try... [He really did. That was why this was so frustrating. He tried his best to relax and be comfortable around Steve. He even thought he was doing an okay job.
But clearly not.]
no subject
No don't! It's not a lack in you Suzaku! It's me! I keep trying to change you instead of just letting you be! As long as you say you're happy, I should believe it. I shouldn't try to force my idea of happiness on you. I have no right.
no subject
He shook his head.] I wouldn't want you to change. [Because then he would be doing the same.
Why was this all complicated? No one had told him marriage would be this complicated.
Then again it's not as if he'd ever spent any time around married people before. Maybe it was always this complicated.]
no subject
no subject
Very very rarely. In fact he can't remember the last time he'd refused Steve anything.
He hasn't really wanted to, it's not as if Steve asks for a lot. Company sometimes and someone to eat his food.
Had he made Steve feel like he was asking too much of him? That's...
Suzaku was never good at friends, he's never been friends long enough with someone for more subtle problems like this to occur. He's definitely never been married before...
no subject
Just because someone didn't say no didn't mean the activity was enjoyed or welcome. Suzaku rarely seemed to have opinions and Steve just felt like the boy let himself get pushed around because he was too kind to say he didn't like something. That wasn't what Steve wanted, but he worried it was what happened.
no subject
Maybe he should, maybe he should be making a bigger effort to include Steve in his own life, such as it was.
"I'll do that." Make sure he asked him, try to give his opinions more, even if he really didn't mind going along with what Steve wanted.
no subject
"I expect you to say no to me at some point. And to come up with at least one activity on your own. And yeah, I realize I'm being hypocrite by telling you to do things after telling you not to let me boss you around." He was smiling when he said it, aware of just how ridiculous he sounded, "But I mean it Suzaku. Don't let me force you to do things, ok?"
no subject
Though truly he wasn't being. It was just that Steve's ideas were not exactly anything taxing or difficult for him.
"I will try my best."
He agreed.
wrap?
And he'd try to. It would be hard for both of them honestly. Steve would always have the need to make suggestions and to try and to get Suzaku more involved, and the kid would always be more inclined to just go along and not argue or have many opinions. But they could both work on their flaws and that was what mattered.
wrap!
Who would have thought marriage was so difficult.