"Do I? I can't tell Suzaku. It's not your fault, but I can't tell . . ."
Being allowed to stay close to the kid was a gift he took full advantage of. Steve couldn't help his need to try and fix things and people. It was too ingrained in who he was. Suzaku seemed so broken to him, so unhappy, lonely and just . . . just broken. But he had no clue what to do to help. Or even if Suzaku wanted help. Had he actually ever asked? Was he really being selfless in his quest to fix the kid, or was he just being selfish in assuming there was an issue to start with? Maybe Suzaku liked being the way he was . . .
"You do..." His voice dropped as low as Steve's. He really had messed this up. No surprise. Suzaku had never been good at friendship. Never minds something like marriage. He had known he would end up hurting Steve, from the moment their names had been caused.
Someone such as him couldn't be married, not when he only brought pain to those around him.
"How... How can I show you?" He didn't look stoic and confident right now, his mask dropped as he kept his head pressed to Steve. He looks unsure, every part a young broken knight at loss for how to make this situation better.
Steve just stroked the boy's cheek, "Talk to me? I know you find it hard. I know something happened back home Suzaku, something beyond intolerable. Something that changed you." Because he couldn't imagine the kid had never smiled, never laughed. Never been happy.
"I don't know what happened Suzaku, and I won't ask you. I wish you'd tell me on your own one day, but I won't push. But it makes it hard for me to know if what I do is good or not. You're so reserved. It's not bad! You're welcome to be any way you want! But I can't read you very well." He chewed his lip, "I know you don't much like being touched either, but you endure it for me. I appreciate that." It also didn't make him stop.
It's not that he doesn't want to tell him, it's just that there is so much and nothing at all. No one thing separated a Suzaku whose smiles came easily to one whose didn't. More it was a build up of war and sorrow. His own sins and crimes chipping away at him until the hard armour he cloaked himself in became part of him, until the boy who believed in justice and wanted to save Japan had been pushed down so many times he no longer stood back up.
But none of that is a moment, none of that is something he can vocalise, none of it is one thing that Steve can fix. Suzaku is a man who should no longer exist, a man who should exist hidden behind a mask, serving the world he so betrayed. But instead he had been dragged to hell and....
Here he was. "I don't mind you touching me."
It's an easier subject, much easier to navigate. "You can touch me whenever you like."
He had been trying to show that, since they married, the couple of times they had spend time together since then, but it was probably best to speak it, to make it clear.
He chuckled and finally let his hands fall away, "I touch you even when all you do is tense up Suzaku. But I appreciate the permission. And I hope you get something from it. Some kind of comfort. It's meant to make you feel better, to let you know I care. And I do care Suzaku. Marriage or not, I care."
"You can use your words Suzaku. I know I tend to just . . . do things. And say things. But you can make your opinion known too. I know you have it in you."
He touched the kid lightly, just over his heart, "You have so much inside you Suzaku. I really think it's just a matter of you figuring out how to access it."
"I do not mind." He told him but he would try. To use his words more, to speak to him and let his opinion be known. It was not easy for him but he was beginning to realise that it wasn't something he could avoid here.
"I will try my best." To find it inside of him. He bowed his head politely.
"I know you will Suzaku. You always do your best. And I'm certainly not perfect by any means. If you're willing to try, I am too. All I'd ever ask is that you try."
Would it work? Maybe. Did he still feel at a loss? Very much so, but Steve would keep trying because he couldn't just cut Suzaku free. The kid needed someone who'd always be there, always be willing to push and support. Steve could do that.
He could do that. Try. Try harder. He just nodded again, not moving out of Steve's hold. He would do better, to meet Steve in the middle, to try and make this marriage work no matter how unconventional it was.
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compelledtoprotect) wrote2019-05-05 04:31 am
no subject
Being allowed to stay close to the kid was a gift he took full advantage of. Steve couldn't help his need to try and fix things and people. It was too ingrained in who he was. Suzaku seemed so broken to him, so unhappy, lonely and just . . . just broken. But he had no clue what to do to help. Or even if Suzaku wanted help. Had he actually ever asked? Was he really being selfless in his quest to fix the kid, or was he just being selfish in assuming there was an issue to start with? Maybe Suzaku liked being the way he was . . .
no subject
Someone such as him couldn't be married, not when he only brought pain to those around him.
"How... How can I show you?" He didn't look stoic and confident right now, his mask dropped as he kept his head pressed to Steve. He looks unsure, every part a young broken knight at loss for how to make this situation better.
But wishing to try.
no subject
"I don't know what happened Suzaku, and I won't ask you. I wish you'd tell me on your own one day, but I won't push. But it makes it hard for me to know if what I do is good or not. You're so reserved. It's not bad! You're welcome to be any way you want! But I can't read you very well." He chewed his lip, "I know you don't much like being touched either, but you endure it for me. I appreciate that." It also didn't make him stop.
no subject
But none of that is a moment, none of that is something he can vocalise, none of it is one thing that Steve can fix. Suzaku is a man who should no longer exist, a man who should exist hidden behind a mask, serving the world he so betrayed. But instead he had been dragged to hell and....
Here he was. "I don't mind you touching me."
It's an easier subject, much easier to navigate. "You can touch me whenever you like."
He had been trying to show that, since they married, the couple of times they had spend time together since then, but it was probably best to speak it, to make it clear.
no subject
begin to wrap?
He's terrible at showing it. He will do better. It's a promise.
yup!
He touched the kid lightly, just over his heart, "You have so much inside you Suzaku. I really think it's just a matter of you figuring out how to access it."
Re: yup!
"I will try my best." To find it inside of him. He bowed his head politely.
no subject
Would it work? Maybe. Did he still feel at a loss? Very much so, but Steve would keep trying because he couldn't just cut Suzaku free. The kid needed someone who'd always be there, always be willing to push and support. Steve could do that.
wrap! <3